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Sometimes we get a little bored on weekends and make forts to watch movies under.  Isn't that the shittiest fort you have ever seen? <>

Well its been a while since my last post and so much has been happening I can hardly see straight.  The project I had been so worried about wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was still pretty rough grading in our class but I came out with a B.  I have never been so thankful for a B in my entire life.  Maureen, our professor is a hard ass.  But at the same time she is my HERO.  She has had the most interesting life, so many stories and she is so devoted to her painting.  She also has ADD and a sailor's mouth so I could listen to her talk all day.  We'll get up to go to class early in the morning and she'll walk in the room with old hoodies on, covered in paint saying, "Why the fuck am I awake?"  She's quirky and strange and psycho but I absolutely love it.  Underneath all of that she is an extremely good person.  After her husband died, she sold a painting in France for like $16,000.  She came home and looked around at all the material stuff her husband had collected and sold all over her stuff because she wanted to make a difference with the money somewhere instead of just "fuckin around."  (classic Maureen.)  She spent some time in Tanzania where she helped teach and stayed in a village.  From then on, every single cent of any money she makes when she sells a painting, she sends to the town she stayed in.  How freakin amazing is that?  Hands down - my hero.

This past week has been one of the absolute busiest.  I had three huge assignments due one day after another.  I handed in the last of them yesterday and rewarded myself with a longgg beautiful nap.  (or two.)  I have spent the past week or so staying up until 2-3am working on either art or english or some kind of homework.  Its a lot to handle especially because I haven't been procrastinating and I'm still up so late!  Part of that is probably because of this boy who likes to hold my hand sometimes.  But still..I've been doing well staying on top of things.  But now I take more naps than I did when I was a toddler.  I go to class, work, eat, sleep, work, sleep, eat, go to class...etc.  It never ends.  And I'm so in love with it.  

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.  My sister Maggie is coming up to spend the night in my dorm.  She's so excited about and so am I.  I cant wait to just hang out and show her what dorm life is like.  I think she'll love it.  Its so strange because I feel so far away.  Its almost weird to go home because my life is SO drastically different.  I cant wait for Mags to be here so I can just show her around...this is my life now.  I love weekends with a passion.  And this weekend I'm going home for a night which I am really looking forward to.  I haven't been home in a month.  So Mags sleeps over Friday, I sleep over Saturday.  I have to go to my best friend's little sister's baby shower.  I have a feeling its going to be an awkward, almost painful event seeing as she is 16 years old, but I really want to see Ally.  I have missed her so much.  So this weekend should be fun, I can't wait to just be with my family.  You forget how much you need them sometimes.  

till next time <3

This week has been a little overwhelming.  But in the best ways.  This week things in school have gotten more serious.  I'm terrified for my art class tomorrow.  I worked my ass off on a linear perspective and turned it in when it was due, tomorrow i get the grade.  Then today I heard that the other class working on the same project ended up getting F's.  EVERY single one of them got F's.  Its brutal.  If I ever catch anyone saying that Art majors dont work hard...I'll personally kick their ass.

Today I've just been feelin a little down.  Missing people, feeling overwhelmed, a little scared of tomorrow.  But I keep reminding myself how well everything is going and how I have to take the good with the bad.  Find a balance. 

In other news...my beautiful dorm walls are no longer blank.  I bought my Dave Matthews poster - finally.  His sax player recently died.  And I cried.  I seriously did.  I need to find out when his next concert is near by.  I'm having Dave concert withdrawals.  The other day I went out with my momma and my sister, my cousin Tori and Aunt Gerri, to the Clothesline festival at the art gallery.  It was so awesome.  Its like a lilac festival only for all artists.  I saw so many things I loved and wanted to learn how to make.  Hopefully before I die I'll get a booth there and sell my art.  There were potters, sculptors, painters, jewelry makers, glass blowers, belly dancers, hula dancers, wood workers, guitar players.  It was just a big beautiful day of art. And I spent it with the best people in the world.

My birthday is around the corner in November.  18 on the 18th!!! WOO.  I'm savin up for my next tattoo...and hopefully for a nose piercingggggg.  I dont know yet.  But..at LEAST a tattoo.  I have to start working on that design soon.  I'm so excited :)  I love being an adult who can make her own decisions sometimes.  Nobody can really talk you out of doing what you want.  You're free.  Tattoos? Piercings? Mhm.  yes please.  Thats another reason I love art so much.  It just has so many infinite possibilities and you can express yourself however the hell you want because it becomes your life.  It completes you, transforms you into the person you want to become inside and out.  I love that. I love this.  This is me.

it just makes sense.

Things are good.  I mean...SO good.  The kind of good you are afraid of sometimes cuz you think it might not last, that its too good to be true.  And then you remind yourself that you deserve everything in front of you at this very moment...and the world gets even prettier.

This is the first time I have felt completely in control of my life.  I'm a freaking sponge.  I cant stop listening, I cant stop watching, I cant stop laughing, I cant stop learning new things.  Every single part of me is meant to be here.  I have amazing friends already and its only been two weeks.  I leave my art classes feeling like a dreamer, a creator, an adult. Sometimes I catch myself tearing up a little bit - not cuz of homesickness or stress - but just because I'm so incredibly happy and thankful.

I do miss the family a lot, but I have seen them once or twice since move in day.  Its really hard for me to be away from them but they keep me motivated and excited.  And when I do get to see them it just makes it that much better. My time here is for me, but its also for them <3

  

My dorm floor is awesome.  I cant believe how quickly people can become friends and I'm really glad everyone has clicked so well this far.  I have lost countless hours of sleep playing cards and taking walks and just talking with people - and its so worth it.  I can sleep when I'm dead.  (And when my homework is done...which I've actually been keeping up with fairly well.)  I've lost a little weight, I laugh my ass off at least three times a day, I learned how to play poker, and I am kicking ass in art class.  

Life is sweet.

dum dum dum....

College is awesome.  Plain and simple.  Besides the early classes, I'm having such an amazing time just living here.  My floor is full of incredible, funny, insane people who laugh at my dumb jokes.  I like doing laundry, I love having homework, I love having my own desk and taking care of myself.  I love this.  :)

Buddhism and Myself

Last night was really an enlightening experience.  Naz held an open house for the center for spirituality, inviting students from all walks of faith to join either the Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, or Buddhist meetings - ( think there were more but I dont remember them all.)  Now here's my issue...like I've said before, I dont find myself to be super religious, but I do believe I am a spiritual person.  I was raised in a very interesting church that is technically catholic, but extremely liberal.  (we actually got excommunicated for supporting gay marriage and allowing women on the alter.)  So going to church as I kid, I never really knew exactly what I was, I always just considered us the hippy church and I am so proud to be apart of it. But suddenly here I am, in this beautiful center for spirituality, totally feeling like I dont know where I belong, but knowing for sure that I am supposed to be there...somewhere.

I asked a friend who actually has been going to the same church as me for a long time, which mass might suit me best and she suggested the Catholic mass because it might be more familiar to me.  I had every intention of taking her advice, and while the mass was getting set up, there was a bit of down time to explore the rooms.  So I wandered into the zen meditation room to check it out where I ended up meeting Jessica.  Jessica was really really cool.  She practices Tibetan Buddhism and she started to explain to me some of it, and of course....I couldnt stop listening and asking questions.  It was so interesting I could have stayed there for hours...and I kind of did.  I started to hear the Catholic mass start up in the chapel, but something was just telling me to stay.  More and more people joined the group, students and faculty and the discussion was just so amazing and eye opening.  I had so many misconceptions about Buddhism, and was really excited about all the concepts of it.  There is so much connectivity in all religions that it makes me kind of angry that they try and compete with each other.  Love, compassion, truth, are present in every religion I have come across so far in my life, I dont understand how some religions view other religions as being "wrong."

While I was sitting there I just kept thinking about how the things I believe in and how...thus far, I havent really found my place in a certain religion because my morals and values tie into so many.  I'm like a mutt.  I believe in love more than anything and that it is the root of goodness in the world.  I believe that in our humanity, striving to be good, and truthful, and thankful and to question things is must.  I can't really explain exactly what I was feeling as I listened to Jessica and Chris and some others talk about their experience and their own personal truths, other than saying that I just felt...full.  I had an art professor at our advisement meeting say, "Start thinking creatively now.  Go experience things and see things, look for inspiration so that when you get to really express yourself with your art, you know what you want to say."  I wondered about my future work while I sat in the zen room, I wondered about how this might affect the things I create and it felt so right to be there. 

What do I want say?  Theres so much.  So much.

quick update

  Got up, ate breakfast, had orientation groups meet and talk about Work study and Sexual assault.  Ate lunch.  Got on buses for community service.  Got lost.  Found Camp.  Weeded, mulched, got dirty.  Came home, took shower, almost dropped clean underwear in shower, (again) ate dinner, came back to dorm.  Played an AWESOME game of Apples to Apples with new friends, went to mixer, came back, stayed up coloring with new friends for shits and giggles.  Went on a midnight adventure to first floor to find microwave for ramen noodles, and finallly..I'm in bed.  :)

Beginnings.

So today was day two of crazy-insane-orientation weekend.  I'm getting sick of the stupid ice breaker games and I just really want to start classes.  Thats why today was so exciting.  

We woke up way to early for breakfast and spent a horrendously long time at  presentation that no one could hear or understand or stay awake through.  So we ditched the ITS presentation that no one could really hear and hiked back up to our room to set up the printer, etc...Then the best part of the day finally arrived.

We were sent to go meet our advisors in our different departments.  So finally, all of us Art kids were in one room with all of our professors.  The Art staff on this campus are truly the most real and down to earth people you will meet.  They all introduced themselves and started to talking to us about the year and expectations and stuff.  I now know that there will probably be NO time for me to work a second job.  My drawing professor's class alone requires hours of work in class and THEN...at least six hours every week of outside studio work to get a mere C.  Thats just one of my art classes.  I'm minoring in Art History which I probably will start working on new semester.  The professor for that said that for every hour of class there is at least two hours of outside work.  Intimidating and SO exciting.  You really just get completely immersed and I am SO ready for it.  I have no idea the kind of work load my english, italian, and seminar will give me, but I am planning to stay on top of it the best I can.  This is my life now.

My advisor Lynn is really awesome.  She came to lunch with a bunch of us girls.  (oh yeah, combing Art Ed and Studio Majors, there is a grand total of THREE guys. yay.) She answered a ton of questions and really made me feel more at ease about my little training in high school and just got me excited about everything.  I left lunch wanting to burst with happiness.

Now Me and Sam are hanging out in our room and finishing some unpacking. I cant stop thinking about how amazing it is to even be here.  I just feel so incredibly blessed.  Tonight is a Grey's marathon and some chill time.  Perfect <3

Safe Sex is Good Sex.

So today was move in day.  It went much much MUCH better than I expected it too.  The emotions were definitely running high and I felt this need to stay close to my family until the very last moments before they left.  I'm starting to learn though that everything is bearable when you have faith in yourself and whats ahead of you and the people in your life.  I definitely shed tears today, but my happiness here is keeping me in balance.  Things that seemed overwhelming yesterday seem so right now.  I'm really glad for that.

We moved all our crap in after waiting in a lonnnng ass line.  There were a bunch of people helping out so it didnt take long to get all of our stuff up in the room.  Sam had gotten there earlier to unload so we had plenty of space.  (I seriously have the best roomie in the world.  I would be lost without her.  And she was even so gracious as to give me the bed by the window.  What a doll.  I hope we can room together next year and the year after and the year after...and yeah.  love her.)  We unpacked a little and set up the basics, then had a quick lunch and met up with orientation groups.  At first they werent so eventful, but I had a chance to meet a lot of awesome new people.  Everyone here is sooo nice.  We had this long welcome ceremony with a bunch of speeches and our statement of intent, then we had to say goodbyes.  I had been dreading them all day.  There was this big ball of DREAD in the pit of my stomach.  I'm closer to my family than I think I could ever explain, so the moving out process was a milestone I was verrrrry aware of.  I still am. So we all cried, (there really was no way to avoid it) and then headed to the parking lot where there was this fork in the road. I had to go one way, and the family had to go the other way.  Gah.  It took me a bit to get myself together as I walked down my road.  But I did it.  And I am so happy I did.

We met up in groups again and had a really quick dinner and an RA meeting.  Then later we had groups AGAIN (gah.) and then we went and saw a comedian in the gym.  They were pretty decent.  But I gotta say, once you've seen Dane Cook there is no going back.  Its like seeing a cadillac and then having to buy an old lumina or something.  Still gets you from A-B, but doesnt drive as sweet.  Everyone was so tired by that point a bunch of them started to get up and leave to use the showers and such.  I almost felt bad for them.  Me and Sam came back to our dorm and unpacked some more, ran around our floor and knocked on doors, saying hey to everyone on Kearney East and hunting down a sink so we could make some crystal light for the fridge.  

We have the perfect room.  its tucked away at the end of a hall, with a little window seat right outside of it.  We live next door to our peer mentor who promptly posted a small envelope of condems on her white board outside her door with a note that said "safe sex is good sex!" right after the parents had all left.  It was an insane day and I have no idea why I am still up at 2:10am, but I dont want to forget any of this.  :)

More tomorrow <3

Thursday <3

I leave on Thursday.  I've never been so ready and so scared for anything in my entire life.

Blub Blub Blubber.

I could not control my tear ducts today.  I think its part of pms.  It happens regularly around that time.  I'll cry for no reason and then just not be able to stop until I am all out of tears and then I'll feel better.  But today was a little different.  

I got up and took my mom to her conference, stealing the car for the morning so I could finish her birthday gift.  I got her this really pretty locket and I needed to get the picture sized to fit it. (She looooved it.)  But all morning I just had this weird uneasy feeling.  At first I thought it was because I had a physical later and I hate going to the doctor's office.  But I was feeling so much anxiety and couldn't really pin point what it was.  It was just bothering me.  

I picked up Mom and we went to the doctors.  The lady at the desk asked all these questions about where I'm going to college and how this was my last appointment at the pediatricians.  Last appointment.  Usually my mom comes in with me and we steal rubber gloves to blow up and make jokes about how much the doctor talks but she let me go by myself this time and I thought hey, I can handle this.  But then I got into the room and looked around at the stupid dragonfly wall paper I had seen for so many years and was suddenly just overwhelmed.  I had to try really hard not to cry all of the sudden as the lady took my blood pressure.  "Your blood pressure is high, are you nervous?" And I explained to her that I had been feeling anxious all day and wasnt sure why.  And then I kindly asked her to tell my mother to come to my little room.  As soon as she came inside and closed the door I burst into tears - half cause i didnt really know why I was suddenly so overwhelmed, and half because I suddenly felt like Peter Pan - never ever ever wanting to grow up.

The doctor eventually came in and Mom kind of explained what was happening - (she said she was afraid the doctor would think she beat me hahaha)  And the doctor gave me this complete look of pity and would not shut UP about her sons and how things dont really hit you at first.  She was totally right but at the same time I was really trying hard not to keep crying and all I could think was - just give me my fucking gardisil shot and send me on my way.  My mom was so cool about it, I was a blubbering idiot and she totally understood.  And the best part is she knows that there are times when both of us could get emotional but I'll only cry worse if she does.  So - her not getting emotional either really helped me.  Well - kind of.  I cried in the car a lot too.  I was just - gah....couldn't stop.  At that point - I knew for sure it was hormones and not all the anxiety I had been feeling earlier so I just let go and had a good cry.  My eyes feel puffy still.

On a happier note - I know Dad's got something up his sleeve for Mom's birthday dinner - and I know it includes cake. So maybe I'll just go and enjoy some cake and some family time and just...be.

car plane shuttle train ...boat.

Home from Lake Hartwell, Georgia.  It was absolutely perfect.  We got up super early on Friday morning to get to the airport.  (I would just like to add that I am a master at packing light.  I fit all my stuff in one carry on.  Woo.)  We ended up dropping off our car and taking a shuttle to the airport.  Even though it was incredibly early, we were all laughing our heads off about anything and everything all the way to the gate.  

We started to board and I noticed there was a soldier and his family waiting to get on our plane.  As soon as they called our seat section, his mother burst in to tears and gave him the biggest hug.  It was heart wrenching.  I really hate goodbyes.  I start college in two weeks and saying goodbye to my family is the only thing that makes me emotional.  I hate it.  

The plane ride was pretty smooth, even though it smelled like rubber gloves and fruit loops.  It took us about two hours to get to Atlanta - the craziest airport I have ever seen.  From there we got on the Marta train.  Atlanta is an insane city.  The high ways are six lanes of traffic - coming AND going.  The Marta is a train that runs over the top of it.  It was really interesting to see all the people that use it. Workers, families, travelers, everyone uses it.  I had never been in one space with so many different people in it.  Black, white, latin, asian, middle eastern... everyone.  At one point during our ride, a middle eastern man with a suit on and a thick black turban on his head boarded the train.  Immediately everyone around him was looking down, uncomfortable, it was like you could see people's thoughts, most of them probably thought he was a terrorist.  He sat down and was very quiet, his expression kind of said "dont-fuck-with-me," but then, a woman came on the train with a baby in a stroller, four kids, in her work uniform.  Every seat was taken.  Nobody moved except the middle eastern man who got up and offered her his seat.  People can be so unexpectedly beautiful.

The train ride was about 45 minutes long and afterwards, my aunt Kathy picked us up in the rental car.  We drove for ANOTHER hour and 45 minutes, all of us tired and totally sick of vehicles in general.  Soon the city kind of dissolved from six lanes of traffic, to four, to two, until finally we were out in the boonies on a single dirt road.  Lake Hartwell is beautiful.  The beaches are red clay, the weather is a steady 98 degrees every day, and the water is so nice.  It was a big family event, my cousins were there, my aunt and uncle, my grandparents.  The cottage was like home away from home - (with central air and guitar hero).  We spent the days out on the boat, floating around, jet skiing, tubing, taking boat rides to all the different coves, taking "coffee cruises" in the morning (basically taking breakfast on the boat to see the lake during the morning hours.)  We watched movies in the air conditioning at night, went to the famous T-60 boil for a heaping pot of seafood, read books, did puzzles and just completely relaxed.  I may have looked like a tomato with my sun burn, but I could have cared less.  

To get back home we did the same routine - backwards - car shuttle plane etc...It was good to be home, to see civilization again, to see the dog and our own bedrooms.  I found myself a little emotional though. We came home to a pile of mail from Naz, and it hit me - I'm leaving.  Soon. I wont be living here much longer.  And then that fear of good byes kicked in again when I opened the orientation pamphlet to see pictures of parents saying goodbye to their kids.  God.  I felt homesick already.   But I felt incredibly lucky too and reminded myself - I'm only twenty minutes away, its not like I died, and pretty soon I'll be so absorbed in school I wont have time to be emotional.  Letting go is hard.

The Olympics started.  AMAZING opening ceremony.  I've been watching it all weekend now.  (Especially volleyball)  Right now gymnastics are on and the "women" gymnasts, look to be about 8 years old.  All the guys are what...4"11?  Nice arms though :)  The cameras kept showing George Bush in the crowd and he looked bored out of is freaking mind.  They even caught him checking his watch and yawning.  Way to go Pres, way to conk out on an amazing event bringing people all over the globe together. We can obviously see your enthusiasm.  I cant wait till this loser is out of office.

Till next time :)

  

Random Things I Have Realized About Myself.

* I have a deep love for kettle corn.

* Whenever I go to Bed Bath and Beyond or JC Pennies and I see those fake little bed set ups - I immediately feel like taking a nap.

*  Some people have dyslexia with words, I have it with numbers.

*  I enjoy people - watching.

*  Everytime I see something out of the ordinary, I immediately think about how I can put it in a children's book.

*  I feel guilty after every time I eat.

*  I hate money, but I wish I had more of it.

*  I want to get my nose pierced, but I'm too chicken.  Tattoo me I'm fine...piercings...not so much.

*  I am afraid sometimes that dreaming is about as far as I'll get in life.

*  If I could be any animal in the world, I would be a panda.  

*  I have no religion.  Not really.  When people ask I dont know how to answer. I think next time some one asks me, I will just say Love.

*  Sometimes I think about living over seas for a few years without telling anyone but my Mom and Dad.  

*  I like the smell of fall and campfires more than anything else.

*  I have a freckle on my left butt cheek.

*  The only time I feel completely at peace with the world is when I'm on a boat.

*  I also have an obsession with scarves. I love them, I have tons of them, and I always want more.

*  I cant dance without giggling the whole time.

*  I'm really fond of doing laundry?

*  Every time I see a blank wall on a public bathroom stall, I have to write on it.

And The World Spins Madly On

I would like to tell you what my brain is doing right now.  but this is about all I can come up with.  

Lists.

So, I really do think I have seasonal insomnia.  I can stay up for hours on end even when I am completely exhausted.  Then I wake up at 12:30 and get pissed at how much of the day I have lost.  I feel like there are so many things I need to remember right now.  I literally have to make lists of everything. One list for things I need to get done, one list for things I have left to get before college, one list of forms I need to fill out before college, another list of grants and scholarships to apply for, another one for things I need before vacation in two weeks, another list of clothes, toiletries, cleaning supplies and rubbermaids and just an all around inventory of the things I already have done.  

Holy mother.

As much as I feel a taaaddd overwhelmed by it, these things just make me feel more excited, and more independent, and more satisfied with myself when I get some of these things done.  Today I tackled a big one on the list - transferring music onto my macbook from the desk top.  The desktop takes foreverrrrr to burn cds.  its ridiculous.  But I have to get as much music on my ipod and my mac before I leave.  It was kind of a bigger project than I expected, but it was fun to listen to all this old music I hadn't heard in a long time.  

Yesterday I got my official housing letter!!!! So Sam and I are now officially roomies.  We requested each other initially but we didn't know for sure what would happen because nothing was guaranteed.  Everything else has been going fairly smooth with the whole Nazareth transition, I was afraid there would be some catch and Sam and I would get split up, but luckily, it worked out in our favor yet again.  :)  I was relieved and so happy to get the letter in my hands along with my own mailbox number and such.  I feel like such a grown up haha.

I guess its weird that I am surprised that things are going so well with this whole college situation so far.  But then I look back on my high school years and realized that I deserve the good stuff thats coming my way for all the shit I put up with at OHS.  I was talking to my mom the other day and just having a conversation about college versus high school.  I realized that I compromised myself a lot in high school because even though I felt like I was more mature than most of the people around me, I allowed them to take advantage of me and I held back a lot.  I'm excited for college mostly because I am so focused on what I want to do and who I want to be, and because I have learned from high school, I know now that compromising myself is the last thing I want to do.  Its time to be a little selfish and fight for the things I want.  I was way too passive in high school and I probably missed a few really good opportunities because I was busy letting someone else take over.  Good thing I've learned, because these next four years determine the rest of my career.  No room for compromising myself and my abilities.  Oh heyyy!  I DO have a backbone!  :P

Well I'm off to burn more cds and listen to music and tackle more lists.  lists lists lists.  Wish me luck : /

Thought Vomit.

When I can't write, and I really want to, I make a list of everything that pops into my head at the time.  I call it thought vomit.  Whenever I imagine someone reading it, I picture them asking the nearest person if there is any chance I am on crack.  Just for the record I'm not...today.  hhahahaa

*Do you ever feel like you are insanely busy with things to do and then find yourself sitting on your couch - realizing that all that busy craziness is really just in your head?  Thats me.  Right now.  On my couch.  Trying to organize shit in my head.  Just when I feel like i've sorted things out, I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm forgetting something important and I cant figure it out what it is.  oh well.

* Yesterday I spent a looveelyyy time with my Caitlin.  I love her.  I didnt realize how much I was truly missing her until we actually got to spend time together.  We almost cleared the magazine shelves at Barnes and Nobles and took our stack to a near by table.  We ended up reading cosmopolitans sex tips for shits and giggles and met up with Ally to impart on her our new found wisdom.  

*I really like watching indie films.  I'm not sure many of my friends would be really into it, maybe a few, but mostly I just like how off beat they are and how random they can be.  Even if they suck I watch them.  Because they remind me what real life is like.  I love movies that tell me about life.  Any movies like that...Garden State, Once, Dedication...stuff like that.  Because I get so completely bored with hollywood plots (so predictable) incredibly thin women and heroic men.  I actually get waaaay more excited about REAL people, with real problems, with real unconventional love stories.  Even if the movie is boring to everyone else.

*When I think about eating Mac and Cheese, I get excited, but afterwards I just want to barf.  I ask myself, "why did I just put that in my system?  hello intestines, I forgot you were in there."

*I hate it when people use the word "fag."  It makes me want to kick someone's ass.  I also wish people wouldn't throw around the word "billion".  I read this thing about it online. A billion minutes ago, it was 1970, a billion seconds ago, Jesus was alive.  Politicians throw this word around like its nothing.  

*I want to write a childrens book more than anything in the world.  Always have.

*This Wednesday  I get to take my god-son out to the movies for a little day trip.  Him and his sister are probably the most adorable, perfect, intelligent kids in the world.  They eat organic, they are vegetarian, their momma does yoga and home schools them. And they are the most humble and beautiful family I have ever met.  I am so excited.

*In a few weeks, I will be on a boat, on Lake Hartwell, GA.  I'm leaving my cell phone and my laptop at home.  A whole week with no contact, no news, no media.  Just me and the family, down by the cottage in hot southern weather, gettin my glow on.  (translation: burning like the irish girl I am.)

*I watched the second Step Up Movie.  I really really didnt want to.  I thought it was going to bomb really bad, but all it really did....was make me wish I was black.

*Jesus was totally a liberal.

My Brain and the Money Monster.

I need to stop waking up at noon.  This morning - er - afternoon...I woke up with this total feeling of uselessness.  Half of the day had been wasted and yet I could do absolutely nothing to will myself out of bed.  So when I finally did get my ass up, I felt lousy and tired anyway.  I kind of wandered around for a bit, not knowing what to do with myself.  There were dishes waiting for me in the kitchen sink, a sketchpad that has been missing me and my attention for about a week, and little old me - with no attention span or any motivation to do a damn thing.

I decided i'd take a shower and just wake the hell up and DO something with my life today.  But I didn't end up doing much. (Besides those damn dishes.)  I was already feeling pretty crappy about my non-productive day, when the tuition bill arrived from Nazareth.  Oh my Jesus.  My heart sunk to the freaking floor.  I thought I was going to cry.  Cry for me, cry harder for my parents, cry for the kitchen my mom will never get finished, cry for all the things my parents are letting go of, cry for the debt that will plague them and myself for the rest of our LIVES.

My mom went over the bill with me, and we talked about how loans will work out, how I'll be contributing, how forms needed to be filled out.  I just had this completely torn feeling.  Part of me felt awful - I mean how can I do this to my parents?  They DESERVE a new kitchen, they DESERVE a new work van, a studio, they DESERVE A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING VACATION FOR THEIR 25th ANNIVERSARY.  But then poof. One little bill in the mail and its all gone.  And its all because of me.  The other part of me feels like I shouldnt let myself and my education be compromised by all these money issues. That these next few years will be worth every cent.  But my brain can't let go of what its doing to my family and our bank accounts.  I feel.....selfish.

I walked into the kitchen, where my mom was standing, taking some advil and wearing a look of pure exhaustion.  She looked at me and said, "dont even think about letting this make you feel guilty.  Other families do this, we can do it too.  Instead of feeling guilty, just use it to motivate you.  Everything you do now - EVERYTHING, counts.  These next four years are the beginning of the rest of your life.  Dont take it for granted."  I needed her to say that to me.  I needed it to come from her more than anyone.  We laughed as she popped the cork off a wine bottle on the counter and took a lonnnggg swig.  Then she hugged me and said, "I'm so excited for you, kid."  Well break my heart and sew it back together.  I went online and started looking up how to budget better, guides to handling student loans, scholarships...just doing a little research.  Ask any one of my friends - i'm a penny pincher already - but you ain't seen nothin yet.

I ended the day talking to my two favorite people and just getting my mind of this huge money monster playing around obnoxiously in the back of my brain.  Thank god for Sam and Kelan.  I don't know how I would manage without them.  If the world had more Kelans and Sams, it would be a significantly better place.  So tomorrow brings college finances and paperwork up the ying yang.  I have to keep telling myself I deserve this.  I have to keep telling myself that once I publish my first childrens book, I will build my parents their dream house and send them on a vacation to wherever they want.  I have to keep telling myself there is always a way.

The Best of Times With The Best of People

So yesterday was THE most PERFECT day of the summer.  Perfect.  I cant even explain it.  I got up at the ASS CRACK of dawn and packed up the car with all the goods - cooler full of drinks, a box full of road snacks, blankets, towels, plastic bags, extra clothes...blah blah blah.  I ran to an ATM and filled my mom's car with gas.  After an unplanned trip back home to kill some time and apply some forgotten make up, I was on the road to Kelan's.  Who came complete with tuxedo shirt, orange swim trunks, a mix of dirty music, and no underwear. Hahahahaa....what would I be without him?  We drove out to Sam's house (only taking one wrong turn this time) at around 9, just in time to wake her up out of bed.  After a quick coffee run we were on out way to Stony brook.

We went through a series of bitchin mix cds and a stunning rendition of Sam's latest romance novel - (oh you know the one about the racist count and the indian chick) and actually ended up finding an easier route to the park because of her genius.  So it took us half the time we originally expected to get to the park.  Stony brook itself is basically...the best seven dollar water park in New York.  The gorge is so incredibly beautiful and so fun to just spend all day exploring.  Lots of little waterfalls and spots to just chill and swim or climb around.  So when we got there we had a lovely picnic and some of Sam's amazing couscous salad to fuel up for the day.  We practiced our cherry pit blowing skills and listened to part two of the Count and Indian Chick story - HOT.  

Then we hit the trail and spent hours climbing around, taking pictures, laughing our asses off and watching Kelan fearlessly take on slippery rocks.  (You have to give him credit, he fell a few times and landed with his body twisted in ways he couldnt imagine. His poor groin.  But he kept getting up, he braved gigantic spiders, and went down water falls like it was a piece of cake.)  We even saw some baby ducks running away from some bratty kids.  (Kids who Sam promptly scolded and told them to leave the poor babies alone. hahaha go sam)  We had several naked adventures as well hahaha.  "I feel so FREEEEE!"  It was perfect weather, the water was great, the people were fantastic.  It was just the most perfect day - followed by some freaking amazing chicken wings @ BWW. (holy shit goodness.)  Even though I got a little flack at home for being a few minutes late after curfew, my parents were psyched we had a good time too.  

After staying up a little later to clean up the car and the cooler, I finally got myself in a hot shower and off to bed.  I slept like a rock.  Waking up this morning, I can see the sunburn on my face and shoulder, my feet hurt from the rocks and probably the 6 or 7 miles we hiked, but it was so worth it.  It doesn't matter one bit when you spend the best of times with the best of people  :)

Sweet Summer time

So today I woke up promptly at noon.  The most beautiful thought popped into my head...."I have absolutely nothing I have to do today."  

I took my time getting out of bed, went to the kitchen and grabbed a Nutrigrain bar, opened every window in the house and stood in the sunshine for a bit.  I could feel the heat coming through the windows.  Its moments like these when you realize...it is so summer.

I spent yesterday with none other than Rachel Reeves.  We took a trip to Record Archive and bought cds, drove around the city with the windows down and the music up, talked like we hadn't seen each other in years.  I missed her.

Today I was a perfect balance of lazy and productive.  I did dishes, I cleaned a little, did some yoga, and then laid out in the sun.  I usually like cold weather so much better than hot weather, but today for some reason, it was perfectly fine to just sleep in the sun for a while - it was like a steam room...without the steam.  I loved it.

I came inside and sent some emails to my two favorite people - Kelan and Sam.  We're planning our day trip get away to Stonybrook in two days.  I'm so excited I could pee myself.  Tomorrow I work for a bit and then I get to see the other love of my life - Caits.  Going into this summer I thought work was going to consume my social life.  But I'm hanging onto it pretty well as of right now.

Best thing that has happened all day : this guy my mom works with found out about my obsession with Dave Matthews Band and he made me this care package of about 14 cds with all Dave music on it.  But not just ANY dave matthews music - stuff back from like 1993 - music you cant find or buy anymore!  So definitely been listening to it all day and pretending I'm back at Darien Lake scream-singing my lungs out in the pouring rain while Dave rocks out on stage.  

Its been a good one :)

Show Me

<< I'm feeling ready to dive into things.  I just got a ton of shopping done for the dorms this fall (only a month and a half left!)  and I am becoming extremely ecstatic about college.  This whole weekend has been about bed spreads and laundry baskets, clothes hangers and rubbermaid...but I'm realizing thats just the physical stuff.  I mean it is so incredibly nice to have these material things (and to be able to buy them for myself without asking for my parents help,) and get excited about living on my own.  But if I take a step back for a minute, this isn't just me getting ready to move out, it's me getting ready to start my life.  I get to go to school for the one thing that makes me happiest.  I get to learn new things and techniques that will help me improve and create more.  I get to TRAVEL and see places and meet people.  Its the beginning :)

We finished the day with a visit to Chee Burger Chee Burger.  (holy fatness.)  My dad started talking about someone he knew who would order the same thing every where he went - a burger, fries and a coke.  EVERYWHERE.  He would go to a chinese restaurant and thats what he'd order.  It made me realize that I could miss out on so much if I don't keep an open mind and ask questions, see and experience new things and step out of my comfort zone.   I want to see everything.  Show me everything.  I want to know.  Just show me.  Imagine how much better everyone's lives would be if they just asked.  Everything would be so much more interesting and people would be sooooo much smarter.  

I dont know what college is gonna be like.  I dont know what will happen in my art classes.  I dont know how to speak italian or how to drive stick, or how to belly dance or how to play poker.  I dont know how to talk to guys without sounding stupid, I dont know how to make everyone happy.  I'm not sure how to love myself completely or how to talk about politics in a room full of republicans.  I dont know.

Show me.

The Fourth.

I have gotten into the annual summer habit of staying up wayyyy to late and sleeping in for hours.  My body is having trouble adjusting - especially now that my work hours have switched to mornings.  But for some reason, even though I am fully aware that I should be sleeping, there is a part of me that just cant lay down and shut my eyes. I've been staying up drawing lately - which makes me really happy seeing as I have been almost completely void of any creative thought lately.  (I finally got my scanner up and running so as soon as I finish some good sketchs I'll post em on here.)  I think a mixture of exhaustion and half-dreaming has inspired some crazy characters and random doodles that are worthy of space in my sketchbook.  So for now - until I have serious issues (like insomnia??) I'll embrace the night owl in me.  

I finally got my Macbook the other day and I'm absolutely in love with it.  It is only adding to my late night distractions but its worth it.  When we were at the apple store we had this guy come over to help us. He was short, olive colored skin with this curly dark hair and an extremely sweaty upper lip.  You could tell he was brand spanking new.  He had one of those nifty looking apple t-shirts on that said " I could talk about this stuff for hours."  And he did.  He stuttered just a little bit initially (probably cuz my mom was asking him a million questions) but he got into it and ended up talking to the computer more than to us.  It was in between cute and awkward. It was (cawkward.)  I almost wanted to tap him on the shoulder and say, "should I leave you two alone?"  Anywho...the free ipod and printer were a definite plus.  

So today is the fourth of July.  Its turning out to be utterly uneventful thus far.  Which really does not bother me at all.  I'm not super patriotic.  I mean honestly, there are so many times when I am ashamed to be American.  I really admire our troops and sometimes wish I could find that kind of loyalty in myself.  I do try.  The only thing I really love about the fourth of July is the fireworks.  Other than that it is kind of a sad day.  My dad's best friend died today a few years ago in a boating accident.  I can see this kind of bittersweetness in my dad's face when he talks about it.  I think about Justin and his kids every time I hear his song on the radio - "Dont Stop Believin'"  I just saw his daughter Taylor recently and holy shit has she grown up.  I have got to hang out with her more.  

I do love the freedom that we have in America - just looking at it from a female stand point even.  I don't have to cover my face, I can vote, I can own my own property, I am not chained to a household, I am entitled to an education...I'm insanely lucky.  But as for the politics of this country..."Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right of left instead of right and wrong." - Richard Armour.  Couldn't agree more.  Yeah yeah I know I know - I'm a bleeding heart liberal.  But I think that every American whether right or left winged has to agree with that statement.  Anyway...I'm going to enjoy this day and see fireworks and eat food and goof off.  God bless America...

"Politicians are like diapers - both need changing regularly- and for the same reason."

James Freaking McAvoy

Well I just got back from seeing James in his newest movie.  I freaking love him.  Wanted was so incredible.  Not only was he SMOKING hot...the movie kicked major ass.  He is beautiful. He's been my favorite for a while - especially after I saw Becoming Jane.  Other girls like Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp...(both realllly good looking) but my man is James.  What can I say...I love him and his scottish self.  As Kelan would say...Bang me in the face.  I can't say anything else because I'll just ramble.  I want to marry him. And have his little scottish babies.  The End.

Love is a Movement

So. My mom got this tattoo recently (its bitchin.) She got the word LOVE in script across her forearm. Its beautiful. She had been wanting it for a long time. For months she searched for a single word that would some up everything she believed in so she could put it in ink on her body for everyone to see. We helped her out, offered words like peace and truth and understanding. But when we thought about it more we realized that the root of all those beautiful words is love. She says that now whenever she feels anger or hate, she looks at her tattoo and it reminds her that in all things, love should come first. I completely believe in that. I think if everyone tried a little harder to spread love instead of hate, the world could be a better place. Sounds kind of idealistic I know, but its not a lost cause. So Kelan and I have been trying to put love into everything we do. To remember the power of unconditional love is unstoppable. But recent circumstances...and people...can make it so hard to love. So even though love has no limits, I figured at least for those of us trying to follow it while living in a world full of haters - we need some helpful guidelines.

• "Love is a movement...love is a revolution..." -switchfoot. = Trying to put love into everything you do is a revolutionary thing. That kind of unconditional love is like a super power. And the more people that jump on the band wagon, the more powerful it gets. Just by being kind to people and at least putting effort into putting that kind of positive energy in the world - you make a difference - you cause a movement.
• "When you give love, you give life, and you might die tryin'" - dave matthews band. Giving love is definitely not always an easy thing. Cuz lets face it - people are bitches sometimes - there's no way around it. Love can be easy and love can be hard. When its hard, you have to remember giving it is giving life. And personally, I think that is something worth fighting for. So when someone decides that they are gonna make everyone around them miserable...just try to love. Even if you don't see a change in that person at all - someone else saw you try. And bam...you've influenced another lover.
• "People are just people like you..." - regina spektor. Nobody is perfect. There are going to be times when we just don't freaking feel like loving anyone. Don't kick yourself in the ass. We're human. And so is everyone else who may not be lovers like you. Dust yourself off and give your best tomorrow. Love is patient. Love is kind... and Love will understand when your pmsing, bloated, your best friend is being a bitch, and you just don't feel like dealing.
• "Its your godforsaken right to be loved loved loved..." - Jason Mraz. Love yourself. Even when you feel like crap. Just try. You have a right. You were made with love, now give it. And remember when dealing with even the bitchiest of people - they deserve to be loved too.
• "Love was always the goal. And my point every step of the way was that nothing is wrong with love, no matter what flavor it comes in." - Ani DiFranco. Dont judge. Love is love. gay straight, bisexual, inter racial, whatever. Love is Love. Who are we to judge its forms?
• "All you need is love, love is all you need." the Beatles. I think it pretty much sums itself up. Dont you? Makes sense. It really is the root of our existence. Its your cornerstone, your foundation. Sometimes I forget how much I've been keeping inside me and it all comes out in one big gush. Like when I see Kelan or Sam or Kaleigh or anyone I absolutely love and don't see often enough. Don't hesitate to give it. Its the bomb. Speaking of bombs...
• "Lets make a bomb of LOVE and blow it up." - Dave Matthews. Make love not war. Condems are cheaper than guns.
• "Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time." - Ani DiFranco. Don't expect people to love you back. The best kind of love, is the kind you didn't see coming.
  

Basically....Love wins. <3

Kelan Fish and Lima-Bean.

Let me start by saying, I absolutely love to drive.  Ever since I got my license I have lived for long drives and summer nights. So, I was especially excited when Kelan and I got invited to Sam's grad party - (future room mate and love of my LIFE. :)) who lives wayyyy out there in the boonies.  Mom even let me have the nice air conditioned car for the trip which was really cool because the van has no air conditioning.  Which does not fly on days like today.  

So, sitting in this super fly car with my one of my best friends I was feeling super grown up and independent.  But that was brief.  Because of course I got myself lost.  Seriously lost.  Thank god Kelan was in the car with me or I would have been driving for hours with no one to just help me laugh at the whole situation. We turned around, stopped, cussed our lungs out and laughed our heads off.  And eventuallly.....made it to Sam's house.  Who by the way, is probably the most adorable person on earth.  Her friends were so sweet and so funny and dealt with me and my lame jokes and big boobs.  All in all it was a lovely day. I've decided to get lost with Kelan more often :)

"I wish we could open our eyes..."

"...and see in all directions at the same time.  Oh, what a beautiful view...if you were never aware of what was around you."  ~Death Cab For Cutie

This picture is really speaking to me today.  I've been thinking about art, about the world, about life.  Sometimes its too much.  There are these times when I become completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything I thought my brain could handle.  I guess these are the ups and downs of life you know?  The moments when you feel in control and the moments when you feel out of control and then...what the hell you do when you lose it?  

Its so easy to let the world take hold of you.  I mean, I look at the news, I look at the war, I look at the illiterate primate who runs our country, we look at so much suffering.  And then you see the ignorance.  People can be so fucking ignorant.  That ignorance is what makes things seem so unsolvable, so full of despair and just - hopelessness.  And thats when I want to close my eyes, just like this girl in the photo.  I lose faith in the goodness that still exists in the world.  I lose faith in my art.  I become too frustrated to try and make a difference in anything I do because I have come face to face with my own insignificance.  These are the times when I have to really fight to keep my eyes open, to not give up, to not become ignorant, to always be aware no matter how painful it can sometimes feel.  Because without that awareness, the color is gone, the reality is gone, the pieces of life -whether painful or joyful- that have fueled the creativity in me are depleted.  I cannot find the beauty in myself or in what I create without first feeling the rawness of life around me.  Sometimes I feel like I cant handle it.  Those are the times when my sketchbook goes untouched, when my prismacolor case grows this fine layer of dust and loneliness.  But I reach that breaking point, when you feel yourself fill with so many thoughts and emotions all at once - frustration, self doubt, despair, helplessness, anxiousness - until finally I explode.  Sometimes externally, sometimes internally, sometimes out loud, sometimes just physically, but always on paper.

Right now I can feel myself filling with some of these things, as well a mixture of excitement and fear for whatever is coming next.  It was today I truly began to recognize it in myself.  As much as this whole human process of mine can be confusing and mind numbing and even sometimes depressing... I become excited because I can see the end of this creative DROUGHT in sight.  Its that moment when I'm finished losing myself in a piece that  I have been waiting for - waiting for it to come spilling out the top of my head and out through my fingers - when I remember why I need so badly to keep believing in the good of the world and the good in myself.  Its so easy to give up.  I guess thats the true test of a human spirit - how hard you fought to put life into living.

Affirm Life.

I have this addiction... To def poetry jam.  And this poem made me cry:

Affirm Life.

And this one makes me laugh:

Mr Fong is Korean.

i love it :)

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

Well.  I did it.  I graduated.  I finally walked that huge stage...(without tripping or falling might I add.)  The graduation party last Saturday was AWESOME.  Having so many people there, so many people saying "congratulations" or "i'm proud of you," made it all seem more - real.  We ate food, listened to good music, laughed our heads off, and ate some more.  It was a long day, but a happy one.  Thanks to graduation, I am no longer broke. Hahahaaa...I'm not rich but I am certainly not broke.  My family and friends were so generous I was overwhelmed.  I still am.  Money is the biggest source of worry for everybody.  Sharing it - is an extremely gracious thing.  I am so extremely grateful.  

Graduation itself was basically...a long ass ceremony.  It felt wonderful and liberating for about a minute and a half - hearing your name called, walking, shaking hands, grabbing that diploma shaking more hands.  The rest of it was a bunch of waiting.  My favorite teacher did the key note speech.  The speaker before him was obviously more popular and more about the jokes...but Salisbury was his humble self.  I don't think he will ever understand the significance he has had in my life, but I was extremely glad to hear him speak.  I hope I never forget moments like that.  

After like FOUR hours of names being called (yeah yeah...i exaggerate,)  it was finally over.  The family and the tears came along with endless photo ops, but it was a great night.  We went home and made cheeseburgers and talked and watched some strange reality tv show I cant remember.  I was just completely content.  SO happy and relieved and excited and scared and free all at once.  Now my mind is focused on the future.  College is something I can never take for granted.  My parents have worked hard to get me here and I feel like I have found my motivation - not to let any of their work be for granted.  I'm just so EXCITED I could pee myself.  With joy of course.  So these next few weeks bring quests for laptops and used cars, some serious hours at work, bed sheets and dorm stuff...summer time :)  Bring it on. 

Bubblemaker.

I'm in desperate need of time and inspiration.  Things are really picking up around here.  Graduation is next week, the family grad party is tomorrow, work hours should be loading on within the next week, and I've got money on the brain.  How to I get it, how to save it, when to spend it, car-laptop-dormstuff-clothes-supplies-food-friends....  This is why I didn't want to grow up, haha.  

I have so many ideas in my head, so many things I want to get sketched down on paper.  Yet it seems like whenever I have the time, the creativity doesn't flow.  Its major artistic block and its driving me insane.  When I'm busiest is when I have the best ideas, and unfortunately...the least time to hold on to them.  I have the greatest urge to just submerge myself in one beautiful idea.  Soon....soon.  :)

The BEST Night of My Young Life.

Anybody who knows me, knows that my musical GOD is Dave Matthews.  I've gotten through almost my entire life listening to his music.  He brought me through the best and worst of high school, and for my graduation present, I FINALLY got to see the Dave Matthews Band LIVE!!!!  It was the most insane concert I've ever been.  It was so incredible.

The music is so amazing.  The riffs are complex and different every song - yet you can pick his music out instantly.  I love that.  I screamed my lungs out, I danced like a crazy person.  Usually, I'm not a dancer because I get nervous dancing with people around, but it was great cause everyone around us was so stoned and drunk that nobody cared.  We all looked like idiots.

Dave is my hero.  Hands down.  He has been through so much in his life and yet he can bring this incredible music every time and play with such joy.  You can HEAR how happy playing music makes the band even through the radio.  So seeing him LIVE was the most amazing, happy experience of my life thus far.  I'm high on life right now.  Cant you tell? :)

People Can Surprise You

This day has been such a roller coaster.  Its the last official day of school and of course, emotions are running wild, tears and goodbyes and endless yearbook signing.  When the day started I felt a world apart from it all.  This morning my english teacher read the class his senior speech.  He was so close with us and he started to cry as he read it.  Of course the class responded the same way.  But I couldn't cry.  I couldn't feel anything.  I felt almost like I had processed most of the graduation feelings months ago -  I have been so ready to leave.  For the rest of the day I made it through.  No tears.

Then I got home and went online.  For our last english assignment, we were supposed to create a podcast and the new ones were up on the website so I went to check it out.  I found Ally's - my best friend.  She and I have been going through a rough time.  For the last month or so of school, I felt her pushing me away, distancing herself.  It upset me, and my natural reaction was anger.  But I went on line and I listened to the class podcasts, finally coming to hers.  It was entitled - "To My Best Friend."  The stone face I had worn all day shattered to pieces.  She spoke of her worst fears about the future and how they were not about starting over and taking on college, but about not seeing me anymore.  God...I was a faucet.  It changed my attitude completely.  I had spent all this time feeling hurt and angry when I didn't realize that her pushing me away, was part of her defense mechanism.  She thought it would be easier for her if we weren't so close when we both left.

It really taught me that forgiveness is so important.  That there is absolutely no time to waste being angry.  I mean, people always tell you that, but it is especially true when you go through experiences like this.  My eyes are all puffy...damnet!  I was doing so well today!  And I'm pretty sure my period is on the way...so this next week is going to be verrry interesting.  I'll need to go buy excessive amounts of kleenex.  

Above all, there is nothing more sacred to me, than friendship.