My Brain and the Money Monster.

I need to stop waking up at noon.  This morning - er - afternoon...I woke up with this total feeling of uselessness.  Half of the day had been wasted and yet I could do absolutely nothing to will myself out of bed.  So when I finally did get my ass up, I felt lousy and tired anyway.  I kind of wandered around for a bit, not knowing what to do with myself.  There were dishes waiting for me in the kitchen sink, a sketchpad that has been missing me and my attention for about a week, and little old me - with no attention span or any motivation to do a damn thing.

I decided i'd take a shower and just wake the hell up and DO something with my life today.  But I didn't end up doing much. (Besides those damn dishes.)  I was already feeling pretty crappy about my non-productive day, when the tuition bill arrived from Nazareth.  Oh my Jesus.  My heart sunk to the freaking floor.  I thought I was going to cry.  Cry for me, cry harder for my parents, cry for the kitchen my mom will never get finished, cry for all the things my parents are letting go of, cry for the debt that will plague them and myself for the rest of our LIVES.

My mom went over the bill with me, and we talked about how loans will work out, how I'll be contributing, how forms needed to be filled out.  I just had this completely torn feeling.  Part of me felt awful - I mean how can I do this to my parents?  They DESERVE a new kitchen, they DESERVE a new work van, a studio, they DESERVE A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING VACATION FOR THEIR 25th ANNIVERSARY.  But then poof. One little bill in the mail and its all gone.  And its all because of me.  The other part of me feels like I shouldnt let myself and my education be compromised by all these money issues. That these next few years will be worth every cent.  But my brain can't let go of what its doing to my family and our bank accounts.  I feel.....selfish.

I walked into the kitchen, where my mom was standing, taking some advil and wearing a look of pure exhaustion.  She looked at me and said, "dont even think about letting this make you feel guilty.  Other families do this, we can do it too.  Instead of feeling guilty, just use it to motivate you.  Everything you do now - EVERYTHING, counts.  These next four years are the beginning of the rest of your life.  Dont take it for granted."  I needed her to say that to me.  I needed it to come from her more than anyone.  We laughed as she popped the cork off a wine bottle on the counter and took a lonnnggg swig.  Then she hugged me and said, "I'm so excited for you, kid."  Well break my heart and sew it back together.  I went online and started looking up how to budget better, guides to handling student loans, scholarships...just doing a little research.  Ask any one of my friends - i'm a penny pincher already - but you ain't seen nothin yet.

I ended the day talking to my two favorite people and just getting my mind of this huge money monster playing around obnoxiously in the back of my brain.  Thank god for Sam and Kelan.  I don't know how I would manage without them.  If the world had more Kelans and Sams, it would be a significantly better place.  So tomorrow brings college finances and paperwork up the ying yang.  I have to keep telling myself I deserve this.  I have to keep telling myself that once I publish my first childrens book, I will build my parents their dream house and send them on a vacation to wherever they want.  I have to keep telling myself there is always a way.