"I wish we could open our eyes..."

"...and see in all directions at the same time.  Oh, what a beautiful view...if you were never aware of what was around you."  ~Death Cab For Cutie

This picture is really speaking to me today.  I've been thinking about art, about the world, about life.  Sometimes its too much.  There are these times when I become completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything I thought my brain could handle.  I guess these are the ups and downs of life you know?  The moments when you feel in control and the moments when you feel out of control and then...what the hell you do when you lose it?  

Its so easy to let the world take hold of you.  I mean, I look at the news, I look at the war, I look at the illiterate primate who runs our country, we look at so much suffering.  And then you see the ignorance.  People can be so fucking ignorant.  That ignorance is what makes things seem so unsolvable, so full of despair and just - hopelessness.  And thats when I want to close my eyes, just like this girl in the photo.  I lose faith in the goodness that still exists in the world.  I lose faith in my art.  I become too frustrated to try and make a difference in anything I do because I have come face to face with my own insignificance.  These are the times when I have to really fight to keep my eyes open, to not give up, to not become ignorant, to always be aware no matter how painful it can sometimes feel.  Because without that awareness, the color is gone, the reality is gone, the pieces of life -whether painful or joyful- that have fueled the creativity in me are depleted.  I cannot find the beauty in myself or in what I create without first feeling the rawness of life around me.  Sometimes I feel like I cant handle it.  Those are the times when my sketchbook goes untouched, when my prismacolor case grows this fine layer of dust and loneliness.  But I reach that breaking point, when you feel yourself fill with so many thoughts and emotions all at once - frustration, self doubt, despair, helplessness, anxiousness - until finally I explode.  Sometimes externally, sometimes internally, sometimes out loud, sometimes just physically, but always on paper.

Right now I can feel myself filling with some of these things, as well a mixture of excitement and fear for whatever is coming next.  It was today I truly began to recognize it in myself.  As much as this whole human process of mine can be confusing and mind numbing and even sometimes depressing... I become excited because I can see the end of this creative DROUGHT in sight.  Its that moment when I'm finished losing myself in a piece that  I have been waiting for - waiting for it to come spilling out the top of my head and out through my fingers - when I remember why I need so badly to keep believing in the good of the world and the good in myself.  Its so easy to give up.  I guess thats the true test of a human spirit - how hard you fought to put life into living.