Blub Blub Blubber.

I could not control my tear ducts today.  I think its part of pms.  It happens regularly around that time.  I'll cry for no reason and then just not be able to stop until I am all out of tears and then I'll feel better.  But today was a little different.  

I got up and took my mom to her conference, stealing the car for the morning so I could finish her birthday gift.  I got her this really pretty locket and I needed to get the picture sized to fit it. (She looooved it.)  But all morning I just had this weird uneasy feeling.  At first I thought it was because I had a physical later and I hate going to the doctor's office.  But I was feeling so much anxiety and couldn't really pin point what it was.  It was just bothering me.  

I picked up Mom and we went to the doctors.  The lady at the desk asked all these questions about where I'm going to college and how this was my last appointment at the pediatricians.  Last appointment.  Usually my mom comes in with me and we steal rubber gloves to blow up and make jokes about how much the doctor talks but she let me go by myself this time and I thought hey, I can handle this.  But then I got into the room and looked around at the stupid dragonfly wall paper I had seen for so many years and was suddenly just overwhelmed.  I had to try really hard not to cry all of the sudden as the lady took my blood pressure.  "Your blood pressure is high, are you nervous?" And I explained to her that I had been feeling anxious all day and wasnt sure why.  And then I kindly asked her to tell my mother to come to my little room.  As soon as she came inside and closed the door I burst into tears - half cause i didnt really know why I was suddenly so overwhelmed, and half because I suddenly felt like Peter Pan - never ever ever wanting to grow up.

The doctor eventually came in and Mom kind of explained what was happening - (she said she was afraid the doctor would think she beat me hahaha)  And the doctor gave me this complete look of pity and would not shut UP about her sons and how things dont really hit you at first.  She was totally right but at the same time I was really trying hard not to keep crying and all I could think was - just give me my fucking gardisil shot and send me on my way.  My mom was so cool about it, I was a blubbering idiot and she totally understood.  And the best part is she knows that there are times when both of us could get emotional but I'll only cry worse if she does.  So - her not getting emotional either really helped me.  Well - kind of.  I cried in the car a lot too.  I was just - gah....couldn't stop.  At that point - I knew for sure it was hormones and not all the anxiety I had been feeling earlier so I just let go and had a good cry.  My eyes feel puffy still.

On a happier note - I know Dad's got something up his sleeve for Mom's birthday dinner - and I know it includes cake. So maybe I'll just go and enjoy some cake and some family time and just...be.