I'll wake up tomorrow and wonder why I even published this.

It's late. And once again, I can't sleep. I can't shut my brain off. I'm in a strange mood. Its reflective and sarcastic, it's lonely and it's weird. And it's wondering why I'm even writing about it when I'm sure half of cyber space doesn't give a flying...

Anyway.

You know, I am a blessed person. I truly am. I have an amazing family, amazing friends, I get to go to school and study art, the thing that makes me happiest. I get to choose. I get to walk outside my house without a bomb falling or a tank rolling down the street. I get to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I get to go to a steady job and receive a steady paycheck. I get to sleep in a bed with clean sheets and pillow cases that smell like shampoo and dryer sheets. I have air conditioning on hot nights and heat when the winter time rolls around. I am loved by the people in my life. And I love them in return.

I am blessed.

And thats why, in moments like these, when I'm up late and I can't shut off my mind, I feel selfish for the loneliness that settles in the pit of my stomach. I feel like an ass. That in the face of all that is good in my life, I have the audacity to wish for more. And yet here I am, feeling guilty and confused and wishing I knew who could fix it. Wondering if he is someone I have already met, or if he is someone I have yet to meet.

Guh. Yuck. I am not a co-dependent person. I don't do "oh-my-god-like-i-so-need-a-man-to-define-me-and-make-me-feel-valued-and-worthwhile." I just don't. I'm an independent girl. I'm pretty damn good at standing on my own two feet.

I know who I am. I'm not good at asking for help. I don't like onions and I don't like liars. I am happiest when I am creating or doing something productive. I love to laugh more than anything and my favorite sound in the world is good guitar. I listen to Billie Holiday especially when it rains. If no one is around, I will drink from the carton. I'll wear the same jeans two days in a row if i have to...whatever. I get nervous in public bathrooms when I realize EVERYONE can hear me pee. I'm afraid of sharks and drowning but I love boats. I like whiskey. I like tattoos. I like to listen to people's voice when they talk. I like the way hands were made to hold on to each other.

I think I have a pretty damn good handle on who I am and what makes me, me. So feeling like this makes me feel weak and stupid and lame and selfish and guilty and dumb and dumb and lamelamelame.

But if there's one more thing I know about myself, it's that I'm honest. And to be honest...I have been missing what its like to have a boy really care about me.

Recently things have gotten a little frustrating. My ex boyfriend/best friend and I have been hanging out. At first it was like perfect closure. I know I'm not interested in him romantically anymore. But I don't think its the same for him. He's said to me several times now that he still loves me.

Now let me be clear. There is no confusion here for me. There is no..."lets-get-back-together-and-emotionally-cut-each-other-to-pieces-for-no-good-reason-one-more-time." Do I love him? I always will in a way. But I'm not turning around. I'm not back pedaling.

And yet, I find myself leaning towards him again simply because I miss what its like to have someone tell you they love you and want you. I miss being wanted. And so, I've stopped trying to hang out with him. Because I won't be that girl who fucks with his head just because his affection is convenient to play with. I won't do it. I'm not in love with him anymore.

It has taken me over a year to finally come to that realization. It feels amazing. I feel free.

But when that feeling goes away, and its been a YEAR since any boy has shown you any kind of affection that makes you feel beautiful...

you stay up late at night writing ridiculous fucking blogs, sounding like a whining, idiotic, desperate girl who can't function without male attention.

I'm perfectly capable of functioning thank you very much. A man will never be my missing piece, or my other half. I am already complete in just being me, exactly how i was created.

But I can't help but impatiently hope for someone who makes being me...better.

long time no blog

Well I guess once again, I'm over due for an update. And because I have an unexplainable affection for lists, I guess I'll make one now :)

*Biggest, bestest update would have to be the Dave concert I went to with my two friends this past weekend. It was our first official road trip with no parents, no rules, AND alcohol. Awesomeeee. As always....Dave was a musical GOD. And I was left an absolute mess of happiness in his presence.

*School is right around the corner and I cannot freaking wait. I feel like there is still so much to get done. It's like time is moving too fast and too slow all at once. I have to start getting organized and making lists haha. Things I need, things I have, things I can't forget.

*You know...its totally pathetic, but I ALWAYS find myself watching trash tv when I'm up too late at night. I mean seriously.....? Daisy of Love? SERIOUSLY? Oh yeah. I've sunk to an all time low.

*The next tattoo is in the works in my sketchbook as we speak. :)

*Working at a pizzeria has proved to be a lot of fun. Of course it comes with its bitches...but I've also met some really cool people. I actually like work. (I don't like getting up in the morning for it.....but once I'm there its all good.)

*I didn't know what a pizza roll was until I started my new job. Sounds gross...but it is soooooooo delicious.

*I miss kissing. I don't mind being single, but I miss kissing.

*I need to find more ways to make money. Cuz even though I'm working 32 hours a week, I still feel like I'm not seeing the results. AND I'M A PENNY PINCHER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I'm as cheap and frugal as they come! Especially for an 18 year old girl. I think I have to just stop caring so much about it. It's just going to make me crazy. I'm pretty low maintenance, I don't need material things to be happy. I haven't shopped for myself in a lonnng time. My Dave trip was a big gift to myself. I think I need to find a balance. It's just hard.

*I miss Fall. I want cold back. I think cold weather is just better. It makes people hold on to each other tighter. The world needs a little more of that.

*I need to clean my room.

*Drunk dialing/texting the ex boyfriend is always a bad idea. Especially if your most intelligent statement is "My teeth are dizzy."

Later my lovers <3

scatter brained update...

*The new Dave Matthews CD is fucking phenomenal and you should all go out and buy it.

*I thoroughly enjoy having a paycheck.

*I also thoroughly enjoy having a sweet ass car to go and do nothing with.  

*I finally got the closure I was looking for with my ex.  We hung out and finally got back to being best friends.  It IS possible to be friends again.  And I am so thankful.  

*I've been finding time lately to doodle again and it feels so good.

*I have been trying hard to eat healthy along with my work out thing.  But God I love ice cream.  

*I miss my Dad. He's in Haiti at the moment helping work on a clinic in Bourne.  I worry about him.  But he comes home tomorrow!!!!!

*I'm pale.  Between work and home I miss the good sunning hours.  I've gotta stop the whole pasty white irish chick them I have going.  

*I want more tattoos.  Big ones.

*I'm pissed because I had to take out my nose ring for work and now its all closed up.  I really like it.  I'm so bummed.

There is nothing better in the whole world than riding on the highway with the windows down and the music up.  Cliche?  Yes.  True? Absolutely.

Summer time againnnn

It's weird to think that I started this blog almost a year ago.  Weird.

Well it's summer again and the world just keeps on turning.  Work at the pizza shop has been pretty decent.  I like this job loaaaddds more than my old one.  And the people are pretty amazing too.  They are just my kind of people.  For instance....first day on the job I start working next to this kid Jason who is a total hippie. We start chopping up tomatoes and everybody is just getting to know me a little and he says...

"So.  Hayden.  What's your favorite dinosaur?"

Insta-friends.

It's embarrassing to say, but over the past couple weeks, I sortofkindamaybe formed a small crush on my boss Jordan.  Gah.  Stupid me.  We had fun, he was really cool to talk to and he flirted back.  I go to a school where there are more squirrels then straight men so the male attention was kind of just...nice.  Well, he ended up getting transferred to another store, so he's never around anymore.  Which is cool I guess.  Although work is significantly more boring.  It wasn't a big huge deal and I don't really care too much about it.  But it's all good because basically what I needed was some dude attention to remind me that I'm not as invisible as I feel some times.  And it was nice to have someone else in my head rather than the ex....who is constantly yanking me around on a string.  Whatever.

In other news...I started this 90 day work out thing and holy balls is it hard.  This trainer is a nazi.  Its so easy to get discouraged but I just have to remind myself thats its only 90 days and it will totally be worth it when I'm done.  I just want to be a good shape you know?  I'm in decent shape now, but I just want to take better care of myself....and maybe not cry in a dressing room trying on bathing suits.  Hahaa.

Oh!!!!!!! And I finally got my first car :)  She's pretty.  Green.  Subaru. Beautious.  It is so nice to have my own transportation.  I mean, I'm working extra hard to make car payments and manage gas, but its all good.  So worth it.

This summer is much busier and crazier than I thought it would be, but the busy is good.  Its all good.  And to top off this fantastic June afternoon....the new Dave Matthews Band album is out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

peace, love and sunshine,

Hayd

I wish

I wish I could speak like I knew what I was talking about.  Speak like I knew myself.  Some people just have this gift.  The transition between brain, heart and voice is so smooth for them.  I watch def jam poetry because I am absolutely fascinated with expression in this pure, confident, vocal form.  I wish I had that.

Maybe I could write it.  But I envy the ease with which these poets just lay out their truths with their voices, without glancing at paper.  I can't take my eyes away from them.  I'm entranced by the tenor of their voice, or the inflections and rhythms, the shape of their mouths.  

I wish I could do that.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gaUm_7-lLo&feature=related

Beautiful.

"Art is not the Answer, Art is the Search."

Create, create, create.  Dream, dream, dream.

Right now I'm in my eastern religion class, listening to an ancient looking Chinese man with a missing front tooth talk about dumplings.  And all I can think about is how badly I want dumplings.  And then my next thought is how much food affects my thinking.  Then after that i think about the cake a want to bake for my sister's birthday.  Then I think about cakes in general...cupcakes, cheesecakes, layered cakes, dessert tiers.......party town.  

This past week my head has been full of ideas.  (Not just food related hahahaaa.)  But in general.  I have about eighty art projects going in my head and this week I've gone through post it notes like a crazy person, trying to get them all down before I lose them.  Never been more ready for summer.  Ready for time to do my own projects.

There two weeks left of the final semester.  I've got three big art assignments due, a math final, an italian final and a religion final.  I'm trying to keep my focus but like I said...my head is filled to the brim.  On top of that, I'm in the middle of setting up a summer job at a bakery in the city.  I love down town.  Its the perfect place to be in the summer.  So many shops, you can walk everywhere, live music...its beautiful.  I'm crossing my fingers, hoping the job will work out.  The other stress added to this heaping plate is that I need a car.  Badly.  Its not out of want anymore, I NEED a set of wheels to be able to get around and get to work.  Its a big deal.  I'm trying to make the right choices, the smart choices.  

Yesterday I was worried about it and I probably will be again later.  But for right now, I'm just happy to be almost finished with school.  And I am STILL thinking about dumplings.

:D peace and love

whoa. whoa. whoa.

I am so so so lost.  Dreams that I thought had taken a back burner are now bubbling up to the fore front of my mind this week.  There are so many things I want to be.  So many things I want to do.  And now I feel like I'm faltering in my focus.  I don't know where to put all my effort when I'm passionate about a few different things.  

Especially this year, I have really gotten into baking.  Every time I'm home, it's all I seem to do.  Its comfort to me.  Its home.  I had never realized how much i loved it until this year.  I was watching some food network show I don't even remember... and just thinking to myself...I could totally do this.  I'm completely drawn to cake artistry, to fondant art, to gumpaste flowers and crazy cake designs...to little pastries, to home made cookies, to cup cakes and cheesecakes and dessert tiers and cake boxes and corner bakeries.  I want to do it.  I want to own that little place where kids will press their noses to the window and look inside at amazing cakes and cookies and just want to be inside to smell the air.  I want to design cake boxes and desserts and tie up paper packages with string and sell wedding cakes to lovers.  I want to DO IT.  

Now, this passion is true, and real and new and terrifying.  And even as it is starting to get me completely absorbed...my other dreams haven't died.  I still want to write and illustrate childrens books.  That is still a huge thing for me.  Looking at my future, it is possible to do both.  To own a bakery of my own, to have a job that is still a total art form and then to be able to come home and work on my books.  I could do it.  I could SO do it.

The trouble now, is how to make it happen.  I want to keep taking art classes at Naz and see how the illustration program works.  But I also want to attend pastry school - so I really know what I'm doing.  So I'm trained and prepared to do well for myself.  So many questions.  And I know I have so much time to decide but, I'm afraid.  I feel like I'm losing time.  I wish there was a way to do both at the same time.  Meanwhile, this summer, I'm hoping for a job at the local bakery down the street.  Hoping it will give me  a taste as to where I'm headed.  Maybe affirm my new direction. 

So in essence, I'm just impatient as hell.  But I guess the general plan right now is...

*Keep it up in the illustration department in Naz.  And start taking some business classes on the side.

*Get the bakery job and work there this summer.  If I hate it, then I'll know its not meant to be.  But if it inspires me and continues to give me new ideas about my own future business...then start thinking about pastry schools.  

*I have a lot of transfer credits from high school - enough to knock out a whole year @ college.  If there is any chance I can graduate early, I'm doing it.  I'll take summer courses if I need too.  And instead of grad school, I'll go to pastry school.  

*Hopefully, if I keep working on my books on the side and get one published, I can use the money to pay for pastry school or for starting up my own place.  

Everything about this is so "wait-and-see."  I HATE wait-and-see.  Hate it.  But at the same time I'm excited.  I just have to keep my focus.  And it is going to be extremely hard.   I just feel frustrated and overwhelmed and overjoyed that I have these choices.  I just can't wait for my life to really start moving.

thought vomit for today.

*When my religion teacher speaks, I want to hug her.  Dr. Zhang has the thickest chinese accent I have ever heard and the most adorable round, happy cheeks on the planet.  Sometimes the kids in my class laugh at her when she struggles with her english and she gets all red and embarrassed.  I just want to hug her and tell it's okay.

*Speaking of religion class, the blue eyed boy who sits in front of me is passed out cold.  And he is soooooooooooo damn cute.  And would probably never speak to me unless he had to.  

*I would like nothing more than a cup of yogi tea, a good book and a down comforter.  Along with hours of time to read/sleep away.

*Every where I have been in the last couple weeks has inspired me to make something new, to draw or create something worth while, something that inspires ME.  Don't get me wrong, I adore art school, but the thing is, until now, art has never felt like work.  The current project is making me feel this way.  I can't wait to be done with it and start a new one.  I'm anxious for summer, for the time to work on my own projects.  

*This weekend I go home for spring break.  The first two nights I'm home, I am going to my little sister's school play at my old high school.  What that entails, is plenty of time with the hometown friends.  That should have me excited.  Why am I dreading it with my entire being?

*I'm buying Dave Matthews tickets this weekend.  When I think of that, nothing can TOUCH my happiness.

*I have been doing a lot of yoga lately.  I'm a lot stretchier than I ever thought I was.  

*Even on days when I feel completely happy with my work, with my social life, with everything.... I look in the mirror and want to change what I see.  My self image should never tear my mood down, but God it does.  

*i love pineapple.

roots

This past week has just been one of those...blehhhh weeks.  I couldn't find much motivation and I did the bare minimum when it came to work.  I just felt detached and unproductive - uninspired.  Just part of the never ending roller coaster I guess.  

But when the week ended, Maggie came to visit and I spent some time with the family.  And I just feel so much better.  I realized that when I feel like I'm just kind of out on a limb, alone, and kind of stuck in neutral...going back to my roots brings me back to myself.  Realigns me.  So much so that this morning I actually woke up early, took my time, took a shower, ate a good breakfast and went on my way to class feeling refreshed and new.  Its like taking a deep breath and starting over, getting rid of all of my self doubt, my exhaustion, my creative drought.  It feels good.

It's so damn easy to get down on myself when I get like I was last week.  Things that stemmed from lack of motivation end up moving into stress level, body image...blah blah blah.  I know I am a beautiful person.  I just want to live like I have never doubted that.

Peace 

joyful girl

"i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because its the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it because i want to

i want to

everything i do is judged

and they mostly get it wrong

but oh well

'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged

and the woman who lives there can tell

the truth from the stuff that they say

and she looks me in the eyes

and says would you prefer the easy way?

no, well ok then

don't cry

i wonder if everything i do 

i do instead

of something I want to do more

the question fills my head

i know theres no grand plan here

this is just the way it goes

when everything else seems unclear

i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because its the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it just because i want to

because i want to."

~Ani DiFranco

don't burn the day awayyy

I can't believe that next week is midterms.  Holy hell.  This semester is flying by.  We get tomorrow off and I swear I am going to make this three day weekend last.  I want nothing more than to be home, to be with my family and just relax for once.  In between my old job, my new job and the giant amount of work for school...I'm starting to feel the effects.

In better news, there is a very good chance that this summer I could be going to THREE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND CONCERTS!!!!!!!!!!!!  Two of them are for sure, the third is a maybe, but I'm hoping it will happen.  It would be HEAVEN.

I love Dave so much.  I mean...Dear God.  He can't be topped.  The first time I saw him in concert, there was an opener band that took like an hour and all I could think was...."opening band?  WHO THE FUCK OPENS UP FOR DAVE FREAKING MATTHEWS??!!"  It just didn't make sense to me at all.

Look at this picture.  I mean...come on.  He's a musical beast.

So...definitely something to look forward to.  So stoked.

thank you.

So this morning I listened to my drawing professor Maureen's lecture on art...it's purpose, its use...basically why we do what we do.  I left feeling like all the bits and pieces of conjectures I had previously had about art, had been affirmed by someone I deeply respect and it was just an amazing feeling.  She said, "Dedicate your life to the pursuit of happiness.  For you, for others.  If you can live a fulfilled, happy life, then your very presence on earth has been enough."

I almost wanted to cry.  It was like someone had finally articulated perfectly what I have struggled to verbalize for so long.  Struggled to understand for so long.  I feel like I'm moving in the right direction again.

<3

in recent news...

*I know everyone had probably heard this quote before, "Not all those who wander are lost."  Well I'm finding it to be especially true recently.  I feel like SO much is going on around me.  I feel like I'm working so hard and not always seeing the results I want.  I'm doing really well in school, but that fact is...I'm stuck in the grunt work phase.  Fundamentals are being drilled into my head when all I really want to do is start my concentration studies.  I'm having trouble being patient.  Its a constant struggle, but the fight I actually look forward too.  So even though I may feel like I'm wandering around trying to get my bearings and keep my head together, I know I'm meant to be here.  I know that this is where I belong and that there are bigger plans for me.   I just have to stay focused and I have to take one thing at a time.  Its hard.  I guess this is when you know you're a grown up. 

*I miss my family a lot.  Its strange.  Its not severe homesickness, its just a need to know that someone is still rooting for you when you come home after working crazy hours in a studio, then going to two part time jobs, then doing homework and realizing you forgot to eat again.  Its finally being able to sit down and then realize all you really want is your mom to hug you and take care of you like you were a ten year old again.

*I have been having the strangest dreams lately.  I mean really really bizarre.  I can't remember half of them but I always wake up freaked out and a little disturbed.  They are borderline nightmares but not to the extent where I wake up crying.  I just wake up and find myself very glad to be conscious.  Weird.

*I think I'm doomed when it comes to boys.  I just don't get it anymore.  The ex is confusing as hell and pissing me off to no end.  He wrote me a poem.  And it was fucking beautiful.  BEAUTIFUL.  But why does he insist on doing this?  Yanking me around like this.  Is he BORED?  Is he horny?  What?  I don't get it.  And frankly, I'm sick of being played with.  As sweet as that poem was, this boy had been and probably always will be...all talk and no action. He could say he loves me and then not talk to me for two weeks.  Because thats what he does.  What he always did.  He could spout sonnets all day long, but in the end, he is just a lazy ass, lousy excuse for a boyfriend.  He could write a long term relationship, but he couldn't bother putting in ANY effort to actually having one.  I'm not going back to that.  I'm not.  It doesn't help though, that there are NO guys around here.  But I'd rather be alone than be in a one sided relationship.

*I love my yoga class.  Even though its late at night and its the tail end of my busiest day AND I complain that I dont want to go....as soon as we start, I feel so much better.  My body feels AMAZING afterwards.  Like every muscle has just been to a day spa.  I usually have a lot of back issues from working at the studio and by the time I finish the hour and a half of yoga...I'm golden again.  Fixed.  Its magical.

*Valentines day is coming up.  Hate it.  And NOT because I'm single.  I hated it when I was dating too.  Too much pink.  Too much fluff.  Too much ridiculous commercialism.  Not enough booze.  My room mate and I are fixing that problem Feb 14th.  Parrtaaayyyy.

*I've been listening to Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Lena Horne, Ella Fitzgerald...you name it...over and over again.  I love the sound of old jazz classics like that.  It makes me happy.  It makes me feel love.

*I tried someone's home made plum moonshine.  And it tastes awful.  Never, ever again.

perspective.

Ugh.

I am just having one of those weeks.  The kind where everything piles on top of you at once.  Throw hormones into the mix and it makes you a miserable person when you really don't want to be.  I feel like my brain can hardly hold what it needs to.  What it wants to.  

Need to:

*finish my 3D assignment

*spend a few hours in the studio working on my pastel

*study for italian

*Read for religion

*Work on a giant math project

*go to a second job interview

*save more money

*be skinnier.

Want to:

*Sleep more

*Work on illustrations for Jessica's children's book.  (she found an interested publisher!)

*get my vender's license so I can do my henna tattoos as a side job over the summer.

*be prettier.

*Go to the movies and have a social life.

*play with my dog

*go to a party 

It feels like a lot to handle.  When I feel like I can't possibly do it all, I think of our new president.  If he can even attempt to fix a country....I think I can manage to do my homework.

Trying to keep everything in perspective.  Deep cleansing breaths.  

Inauguration 2009

Thank you GOD for professors that let students out early to go watch history unfold.

I can't even put into words how I feel about everything I saw today.

I can't even try.  But I couldn't NOT blog on a day like today.

Look how beautiful they are.  

So much hope.  Just SO much hope.  <3

clean slate

So, here I am, back at school again and SO happy to be in my bed under a million blankets. The new semester started up yesterday. I know that it just might kick my ass, but I'm excited either way. I'm excited to be busy again and to just jump into things. I missed my room mate, I missed the dorms, I even missed the shitty dining hall food...which is definitely not so shitty anymore. The school hired a new dining service and we have been eating like Queens.

I'm feeling good about things. The new year alway has this "clean-slate" effect on me. 2008 was by far the most amazing year of my life as of yet...and I want to make 2009 even better. There is a lot of work ahead of me though, whether its school work or its finding a full time job for the summer...I know there are going to be issues but right now I'm trying to just stay positive about it.

I'm also feeling good about all the beautiful boys who seem to keep coming out of the wood work recently. Sam and I have the same horoscope and she read it to me the other day. Apparently this is the year for romance if you're a Scorpio. Well...cross your fingers I guess hahaa.

Till next time...<3

the last day of 2008

2008 has pretty much been the best year of my life thus far. 

A Few Things I learned in 2008:

*Getting out of high school saved my life.

*I'm smarter than I thought I was.

*I'm stronger than I thought I was.

*I like vodka.

*I can sleep when I'm dead.

*Working hard really really does pay off.

*I'm sooooo lucky to be able to do what I love.

*I have no idea what the future holds for me, but thats ok. I almost like not knowing.

*I Love Lucy re runs make me happy.  thats good tv.

*Letting go is an art form in itself.

*I witnessed history Nov 4th.

*Seeing the duality in everything can be frustrating.  I'm not a fence rider, but I can see both sides of an argument.

*I finally figured out what a falaffle is.

*My room mate really is one of my greatest friends.

*I never want to let go of the part of me that is still child.

*Life is short and scary and wonderful all at once.

*babies are incredible beings.

*Money will always be a problem.  Always. 

*I agree with Jim Gaffigan...I have never felt good after eating Hot pockets. 

*The definition of home changes when you live on your own.  My home is my family.  My house and my dorm are just the places I sleep and keep my shit.

*If I could date anyone in the world it would be Rob Pattinson. duh.

*I cannot shave my legs without nicking myself at least once.

*I love soymilk.

*some friendships, even if you know its better they end, are just bound to last forever.

*Some wounds are especially hard to heal completely.

*I'm going to be something.

*Pancakes are best at midnight.

*Kahlil Gibran pretty much sums it up.  "Kneel only before Truth, Follow only Beauty and Obey only Love."

I'm so pumped for 2009

adam and eve

Just some lyrics that seemed to stick with me today....

"....you're trying to find a reason

why you have to leave

but i know its cuz you think you're adam

and you think i am eve.

you rhapsodize about beauty

and my eyes glaze

everything i love is ugly

i mean really, you would be amazed

just do me a favor

it's the least that you can do

just don't treat me like I am 

something that happened to you

i am truly sorry about all this

you put a tiny pin prick

in my big red balloon

and as i slowly start to exhale

thats when you leave the room

i did not design this game

i did not name the stakes

i just happen to like apples

and i'm not afraid of snakes.

i am truly sorry about all this

i envy your ignorance

i hear that its bliss

so i let go the ratio

of things said to things heard

as i leave you to your garden

and the beauty you preferred

and i wonder what of this

will have meaning for you

when you've left it all behind

i guess i'll even wonder

if you meant it

at the time."

~Ani DiFranco

peace love and assorted baked goods.

Its getting closer and closer to Christmas time.  It has never been sweeter to just be home.  I didn't realize while I was at school how good it feels to be home for holidays like this.  I'm looking at Christmas in a whole new light this year.  Suddenly everything that was appealing about it when I was a little kid has come flooding back.  The last couple years Christmas was good - except my mind was on other things.  My head was already thinking about the future, planning it, wishing for it, wanting more than anything to just be a grown up already.  And now that I'm exactly where I had wanted so badly to be, home is so much sweeter and I'm a little kid again.  I'm excited about the little things again - the hot chocolate, christmas ornaments made out of popsicle sticks and excessive amounts of glitter glue, decorating the house...even Christmas shopping. I usually hate to take part in ridiculous holiday consumerism, but this year I'm happy to do it.  I like to shop for people I love.  And baking...all I want to do, all day long is bake and bake and bake.  I caught myself watching Martha Stewart the other day when I was home alone.  As much as I hate to admit it, after watching I was planning in my head my own little bakery/bookstore, complete with my artwork all over the walls and my children's books being sold along with cute little packages of baked goods.  Damn you Martha Stewart.

I'm just really feeling Christmas this year.  I think I had been missing it the past couple years and I'm so glad to have it back.  The tree is decorated, Dad has his guitar out playing music in the next room, Mom's making Christmas cards...and I just have this really peaceful feeling.  This month has been incredibly stressful for our family financially and emotionally.  But I just feel hopeful right now.  We survive.  We live.  We celebrate.  We bake hardcore.  Life is still amazing and full and wonderful.  

peace love and assorted baked goods.  ~Hayden

diplomacy

So yesterday I had that meeting with that professor I was telling you about to challenge my grade.  I left that meeting feeling more confident and grown up than I ever have.  Before this meeting, it took everything in me to write a diplomatic, respectful email to this particular teacher - who has dubbed himself king of all ass-holes in my life thus far.  When I found out that our presentation received the lowest grade in the class after being on of the best ones given over all...I was livid.  Our presentation really was one of the top presentations, hands down.  So when I found out we had the lowest grade I was ready to blow.  I looked down at my new tattoo, trying to remember that peace and love should come first when really...all I wanted to do was verbally abuse this man until he cried.

So I took a deep breath and wrote an extremely well written, respectful email addressing my concerns.  I was so happy just to be standing up for myself that all of my nerves disappeared when we walked into his office yesterday for the meeting.  I got the grade bumped up to a decent grade and I was happy.  Happy because the meeting went so well, everyone left in a good mood, no one was offended, everyone was satisfied.  And I realized just how far a little diplomacy can go.  Its all about taking that deep breath and choosing.  Choosing to do the right thing, the peaceful thing.  I tried to imagine all the things that I could make so much better in my life if I just took that deep breath more often and thought first before speaking in retaliation.  I'm not a pro at it, but I want to try to be better at it.  If everyone could take that second to just think first and choose the peaceful way out of a conflict...imagine what could be.

I realize that my blog portrays me as a bit of an idealist.  And people may not always like that about me.  But I have come to the point where I just don't care what they think anymore.  Because even if all this peace and diplomacy talk seems to be unrealistic to others...to me, just visualizing it, and trying my best to be that person who chooses peace, diplomacy and love first is taking baby steps in the right direction.  And I'm ok with that.  Sure I may be an idealist, but I'm educated, I'm aware, and at least I'm trying.  Even if I'm only one person, I'm trying.  

Finals are almost done.  My biggest projects are all turned in.  I looked back at my portfolio and had a moment.  I have come so far in just one semester.  There is always that point when you wonder ...did I do enough?  Am I enough?  My goal was to manage this semester and I did.  No matter what I am proud of that and how far I have come as an individual.  For me, it was enough.  I think I need to teach myself to stop trying to please people sometimes.  I realized as I turned in all my work, that I havent picked up a pencil for myself in months.  So I am SO ready for break.  To draw, to sleep, to read book after book....I'm so ready.  And I deserve it.

Well, I'm off to take an Italian exam.  Cross your fingers.  <3

Finalssssss

I need some tea to calm me down.  Finals week is killer.  How I'm finding time to blog is beyond me...and probably not the smartest thing to do in a time crunch week....but I needed a break - badly.  I really think that the key to finals is mind over matter.  I look at all my projects, all the studying I have to do and I know that it is all doable, all possible, all reasonable.  The enormity of it is what's overwhelming.  Sometimes I can handle it, keep it all at bay, control the stress.  Other times I want to scream.  Other times I just want to sleep.  Right now I'm kind of in between all of that.

I felt fearless today.  I had a ridiculously inadequate instructor give me an even more ridiculous grade on a presentation that I worked extremely hard on.  Ask anyone in the class - it was an extremely unfair grade.  So I went and challenged it with my presentation partner.  I have an appointment next monday to talk to the instructor, but I sent him an extremely diplomatic email about it - to which he didn't even respond.  So today when we made the appointment, I made sure to stand up extra tall, to speak like an adult, look him in the eye and let him know I will not be spoken down to.  Thats one thing I really hate.  Don't be condescending with me...I'm intelligent enough to carry a conversation as your equal.  I feel empowered haha.  Even if he doesn't change the grade...I'll still be pissed but I am more proud that I stood up for myself than anything else.  Independence is so sweet.

another thing that is sweet...is microwavable kettle corn.  Not as good as the real thing...but still. Makes me happy.

<3

"there is nothing false about hope."

Yes We Can.

gratitude.

Tomorrow is annual turkey day.  A day of visits to Grandma's house, extreme over eating, and sitting around watching football, and making fun of napping cousins (with their pants unbuttoned in response to turkey comas.)  I'm so glad to be on break from school.  I'm dreading going back seeing as its the last week of classes and then the ominous week of final exams.  I know I will do well, its just utterly overwhelming.  Coming home has been a bit overwhelming as well in certain ways.  A lot of things have changed while I've been at school - good and bad.  Once again, money is on the brain.  And in a big way.  Just when you think you're ok, and that your finally stable, the universe goes and pulls the rug out from underneath you.   I guess I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from these circumstances.  I want to believe that everything happens for a reason but sometimes it just feels like the world is out to get you.  But seeing as its the holiday for gratitude, I'm making a list of all the things I am thankful for, the things I DO have in my life.  Looking at this list suddenly makes money problems seem so trivial and small.  I'm thankful for....

*being able to go to art school and getting shot at doing what makes me absolutely happy and completely fulfilled.

*Having all the basic necessities...clean water, a roof over my head, food...

*Being alive to witness the first black president of the United States.  Being proud to be American for the first time ever.

*Feeling like I'm getting closer and closer to the woman I want to be.

*Having beautiful friends and an incredible, talented, strong family.

*Learning from my mistakes.

*my dog. :)

*Not growing up addicted to video games and actually learning how to have a real conversation instead.

*I'm thankful for my voice.  For my freedom to speak.

*White out.

*ipod.

*prismacolor pencils.

*clean sheets that smell nice.

*Robert Pattinson.  

*I'm thankful for people fighting in Iraq to protect me even though we don't know each other's names.

*My best friends.

*Having a sense of purpose and direction, even if I havent completely found it yet - I know I'm on my way there.

*Yogi tea.

*tattoos

*People who love me when I can't love myself.

*The turkey who died in order to feed me tomorrow :(

*Having eyes and ears that work so I can read endlessly, and listen to music all I want.

*Being alive.

Blessed.  

tattoo <3

its beautiful.  i feel beautiful.  love is beautiful.

18

i am officially 18 years old.  :D

letting go.

I said it because I've been waiting for you to hear me - really hear me - forever.

I said it because I care about you.

I said it because I'm tired of the bullshit.

I said it because I deserve more than this is and so do you.

I said it because I'm done carrying your extra baggage.

I said it with anger in my voice because you don't listen to diplomacy anymore.  My struggle to say it the "nice way" has always been in vain ever since we were kids.  Maybe this time you'll hear me.  Your my best friend.

But I'm done fighting for you when you throw yourself into the same shit over and over again.  I can't do it anymore. and I shouldnt have to.  So good luck.  love you.

word vomit.

*I can't believe this semester is almost over.  It went by so fast and so slow at the same time.  Almost at perfect speed.  Fast enough to go by without being painful, but slow enough so I feel like I didn't miss anything.  

*I love my dorm.  I don't really know how I will readjust to being at home now that I've lived on my own.  It makes me feel grown up.  

*My room mate bought me my very own shot glass today.  That makes me feel grown up too.  :)

*I wonder if people realize it when they say some paper cut of a comment that makes you bleed more than you expected.  I need to invest in more band aids.

*Dining hall food sucks.  Tofu stew...Seriously?  Seriously.

*I miss home a lot this week.  I want to go home and lay around and talk and drink hot chocolate with my family and play with my dog and forget about stuff for a bit.  It would be lovely.

*Boys suck.  Especially when you go to school where there are more squirrels than straight guys. And the ones I have met, just don't get it.  I'm a human - not just a pair of boobs.  

*This Saturday I get to party with my favorite girls in K3E and be stupid and just relax for once.  :)

*Someone showed me what a camel spider was this week.  And I now have nightmares about them.  Holy shit.  If you havent seen one, look it up.

*If I could do anything in the world at this exact moment, I would probably be on a date with Rob Pattinson.

*Sometimes I wonder if Jay still thinks about me at all.  It makes me feel pathetic.  Its so fucking dumb.

*My little sister is going to change the world.  

* Claire de Lune has been playing my head over and over for a week.  And I still like it.

"don't lose your faith, don't run away, hey baby its only Life."

I drink tea before bed.  A lot lately.  Calms me down I guess.  Makes me feel happy and safe.  It also makes me have to pee like sea biscuit but hey...thats ok.

Life is so sweet right now.  This past week brought with it emotional roller coasters and plenty of hard work.  But life is so undeniably good right now.  Good with the bad - I am just happy to be on earth in this exact moment.  But to bring everybody up to speed, I guess I'll start with the bad so I can end with the good.

Megan had her baby on the fifth at around 11 at night (this is good news).  What an insane day.  I got the call she was in the hospital at like 7:30 in the morning.  I thought I might be able to go to classes but I found out from my mom that things were moving faster than expected.  So I emailed my teachers and drove to Highland around ten with Mom where we spent a little over twelve hours waiting for that beautiful baby.  Megan was a soldier - 20 hours of labor all together.  The whole situation would have been so much better if the father didn't show up with his new girlfriend and a fake ass wedding band on his finger.  His stupidity never fails to amaze me.  And the girlfriend's stupidity - even more astounding.  She had the nerve to walk into the delivery room.  Luckily Meg was too drugged up to get upset.  But Mom was ready to kick this girl's ass.  It was great.  I can't really explain how I was feeling that day - I felt so much at once I almost felt sick.  I was angry - at Ray, at the whole situation, and at the new girlfriend.  I was sad mostly though - for Megan.  I kept wishing that this whole thing was happening to her when she was ready.  When it was a happy thing for her parents too. When she had someone who REALLY loved her beside her. When she was ready to be a Mom.  I was anxious - mostly for the baby to be here and be healthy and for everything to be ok.  But on top of all of this, afterwards I just felt totally empty.  I should have been happy or something...I don't know.  

I felt so strange and I lost it in the car on the way home.  I felt like Ally and Meg and everyone didn't need me anymore all of the sudden.  Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore now that I wasn't needed.  I felt useless.  And it hurt me to realize that I'm the girl people go to with panic, with conflicts, with emotional baggage - because I'm really good at helping them hold it up.  But then when its over - I feel like I'm stumbling around totally alone.  So suddenly - nine months of waiting, of agonizing, of being there is over.  And I don't know what to do with myself.  And I have no idea if it even mattered.  I just hope that the baby knows he is loved.  

Now for happier stuff.  I'm almost 18 years old.  And yesterday I finished designing my second tattoo. This one is different.  It feels different.  My first tattoo will always mean a lot to me.  This new one has been a process that has been just as beautiful - if not more.  Its a gaelic saying that means "Peace Walks on Love's Road."  It has a dove on the tail of the phrase and it's going to go down my right wrist.  I thought a lot about this tattoo while I was putting it together and just really reflected on this year.  It has been an AMAZING, beautiful, challenging, emotional year.  Graduation, college, independence, Megans baby, the first black president of the United States, growing, changing, feeling closer to the person I want to be....this year has been my best so far.  It has pulled me in so many different directions and taught me that the one true thing in my life is Love.  And with all this year has brought me, I am ready to put this statement on me without any hesitation.  I know now more than I ever have, that my belief in Love is the driving force behind my existence.  I want to look at this tattoo so that I can live up to it.  So that I always know that above all things - Love first, peace first.  I want it on my right hand, my drawing hand, my dominant hand so that I am reminded that Love should be dominant in my life as well.  I want it in an ancient language, beautiful and scripted and speaking to my heritage - however removed it may be.  I look at this design and I know I am meant to wear it.  Its nothing huge. Its simple, and elegant, and to me it will always be powerful.  I am so excited to get it done I can't even tell you.  I DREAM about it at night.  

Life is beautiful and scary and wonderful.  And I am so in it right now.

unyielding hope.

I want to remember this moment forever.  I want to tell my grandchildren about it.  I want to sing.   I want to cry.  (oh wait I'm already doing that.)

I cannot believe I am alive, in this moment, right now.  Its not just about the fact that Obama is our new president.  Its the fact that millions of Americans put him there.  That millions of Americans dont just believe in one man, but they believe in change, in the future, in facing the struggle with dignity, and hope.  That America is finally getting it.  I cannot contain my joy.  I cried so hard.  Just to be here, just to see this day, just to be alive.  To think about Martin Luther King, to think about all our country has been through.  To think that we choose the here and now to move forward.  To hear an incredible, historic speech by our new president.  God is so good.  

I know that the next years will be incredibly hard.  They will test us and change us.  But I can honestly say that this is the first time in my entire life, I have ever been proud to be American.  This is history.  This is history.  It means more to me than I can ever explain.  My prayers now are about keeping Obama and his family safe so this moment will not be in vain.  I am filled with "unyielding hope."   Yes We Can.

edward cullen and elections.

Yes, I have fallen victim to the Twilight series.  Don't judge me.  I've never been into the sci fi, vampire fiction crap.  And thats exactly what I thought these books were until my room mate forced me to actually read them.  I went through all four books in less than a week.  I'm in love - madly in love - with Edward Cullen.  (well basically Rob Pattinson...but you get what I mean.)  I'm going to the midnight premier for my birthday!  GAH he is so sexy.  BIte me - please.

I'm up watching the election coverage and desperately hoping for Obama to come out on top. If he doesnt, I'm seriously considering moving out of the US as soon as I'm out of college.  So my fingers are crossed, and I'm feeling hopeful.  :D

peace and LOVE.

this life.

Its been especially nuts this week.  Well....at least in my head.  I feel so anxious.  Megan's baby is due this week.  Which means a lot of things.  Things I can't wrap my head around yet.  Things I dont want to wrap my head around yet.  I dont know what to think anymore, all I know is that the only thing I have to give is my love.  I have to trust that it has the power to do more than me right now.  Its all I have.

School is going well, its just getting busier and harder.  I stressed myself out so much that today around 8 at night I realized I hadnt eaten at all.  Yesterday I only ate one meal - a bagel.  I forget to feed myself sometimes I am so immersed in this place.  I have to work at finding my balance again.  I havent been so good at it lately.  I'm anxious for Thanksgiving break.  And my birthday!  I'm getting another tattoo for my 18th this year.  Its a phrase in gaelic meaning, "peace walks on love's road."  It means a lot to me and the script is beautiful.  I havent decided quite where to put it yet.  I want it somewhere I can see it to remind myself to always center myself around peace and love.  its probably going on my wrist somewhere.  Dunno yet.

Other than that things have been pretty normal.  I've been reading Twilight books like a maniac.  At first I was so skeptical.  Vampire books?  COME ON...pshhh.  But after being forced to read the first, I had to read the second.  I am now on the third.  And I'm wishing that I could have an Edward Cullen all to myself.  Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "bite me."  ....yes please.

:)

collision.

I managed to get myself into a car accident.  Nothing bad, no one was hurt, neither car was totaled.  But holy shit did it scare me.  I dont like it. I dont like it.  I dont. like. it.  After crying and shaking and apologizing and making sure everyone was still breathing I just can't even believe it happened.

life DOES come at you fast.  holy shit.

so much love.

My parents got their vows renewed today.  25 years married.  I cried like a baby.  It was just such a beautiful moment.  I can't even explain it.  The way they love each other teaches me so much.  And it also scares the hell out of me.  Love like that is hard to find. I feel like I will forever be searching for a love like that and I'll never find it.  I'm sure my soulmate, whoever he is, is probably already out there somewhere and I don't even know it.  I guess the trick is finding them, and never letting them go.  

Love wins.

i love autumn.

You know that itch people get when spring comes around?  That "i-dont-want-to-work-i-just-want-to-be-outside" kind of feeling? Well in my family, we get the itch early - right around the beginning of October.  I love Fall the best.  I love the colors, the smells, the food, the jeans and flannel.  You name it - I love it.

Campus is especially gorgeous right now and its putting me in this very peaceful mood.  I just want to lay around outside and draw or drink cider or whatever...I just want to be.  I'm feeling a lot of relief today because the past week or so has been stressful.  Midterms and portfolio reviews that just make my stomach knot with so much worry.  They are almost over though and I'm just happy that I'm doing okay.  I'm completely content with the world right now.  Gimme another hour and maybe it will be different...I dont know, but right now....all is well.

Stopped home for a night last weekend to see family.  I ended up having to stop by my high school's homecoming.  I couldnt help but laugh and just realize how much high school SUCKS.  I mean I hated it when I was there, but I realize even more so now, how absolutely lost I would be if I had to spend one more DAY there.  College is saving my life.  Building my life.  I don't know, but I just need it.  As Thanksgiving break gets closer, I'm beginning to feel that ache when you realize just how much you've missed your friends.  I definitely plan on getting together with people and catching up.  Its so strange how far apart these two worlds are.  I don't just have one home anymore, I have two.  It's just so different.  I love both equally.

I'm also beginning to understand and accept, that I will most likely be a broke, starving artist for the next...idk...decade?  My job at the gallery is so nice, and then I realize that even the checks I think are huge, can be spent in like a second.  I'm trying not to worry about money but its just becoming a fact of my life...I'm not gonna have much of it for a while haha.  But when I think about it, I really dont have much of an issue with that.  There are people in the world who have it much worse than I do.  I can manage.  I feel like as long as I have art, and a voice, and people to love, I can handle anything.  I want to live simply.  More than anything.  I want to live simply, and Love like its my job, and create like its my life.  Thats all.  

Ahh I forgot.

I have fallen deeply in love with Andy Goldsworthy's artwork.  Look him up, he's incredible.  He's a scottish artist whose work is based solely on nature.  He basically walks outside and makes art with whatever he sees.  Its absolutely stunning.  These are just a few of works, there is so much more out on the web, check him outttttt <3

I can still laugh :)

I'm just in love with being alive today.  And I thought you all should know.  The world is so shitty and fucked up and I was starting to let it get me down.  Financial crisis, hunger, poverty, dirty politics, war, close minded assholes, media, money money money, work work work, pettiness, pride, anger, defeat of my spirit....

and then I thought, hell no.  I will not be beaten down today- because I'm ok.  I'm ok because I'm alive.  I'm ok because I can run and jump and blow bubbles and sing songs and play scrabble.  I can draw, I can paint, I can create, I can speak, hear, taste, touch, see, hope, dream, and I can laugh.  I can still laugh.

Yeah, I'm ok.  I'm more than ok.  I'm beautiful.

make love. not war. i need to bitch about this.

Politics have got me all revved up lately.  It started in my Freshmen Seminar class where we ended up talking about this huge financial crisis we're in and the upcoming election.  I'm an Obama supporter, so if you have something against that you should just stop reading now.  I've had people tell me that "liberalism is a mental disorder," and I'm seriously offended by it.  I think everyone has a right to their own opinion, and if you don't think I have a right to mine, you can fuck a duck. Nothing makes me more upset than talking politics with closed minded people.  I usually avoid the subject all together.

But anyway, as part of our homework, we had to watch the VP debate with Sarah Palin and Joe Biden and then write our opinions on it and post it in an online class thread...for everyone to read.  So I had to be extra careful about what I said because I hate to cause conflict with people over this shit, I really do.  But this is MY blog, so I'm gonna say whatever the hell I please.  Sarah Palin is a complete joke.  Is anyone else utterly TERRIFIED that there is a huge possibly that our country's NUCLEAR CODES could be in her hands within months?!!!  She wasn't even close to be a convincing politician.  A lot of the kids in my class tended to side with her saying she was "nicer" and "talked like a human being."  Well here's the thing for me...the VICE PRESIDENT of the United States, should speak like an intelligent human being, not like a hockey mom who was coached through a slew of political phrases and got her teeth whitened just for the event. I say this without any sexism, I simply say it because its all I know about her.  Her back country slurs did not make me like her, or feel like she was "more human," it made me question her intelligence and it made me feel a little insulted.  She came out of nowhere into this campaign.  Who the hell IS she?  As for who was the "nicer" candidate...if you go into a debate judging it based on the "nicer" person, you are delusional.  Both candidates are going to take shots at each other its what they do- its a debate.  And if you ask me, if our future vice president is involved in major global negotiations...I sure am sure hell not picking the "nicer" one.

I went around the internet (with the fact in mind that most, if not all of what I would find would be rumor) and found many coinciding stories of her involvement in book banning, and even involvement in the Alaskan Independence Party.  (So...she wanted Alaska independent from the United States and now she wants to help run it?) Though the story is very vague and obviously twisted around...more than one account from existing members of the Party claim her and her husbands involvement as far back as 1994.  This woman just had a baby with special needs, her 17 year old is about to have a baby and she just jumped into this campaign head first without a care in the world.  This tells me that she puts her own ambitions before her family - I trait I don't necessarily admire.  

I thought Biden represented himself with great integrity and experience.  He explained directly the the American people what they are getting into and he did so without being condescending.  We need his experience in foreign relations so badly.  Everyone is freaking out about the 16 month plan to get the troops out of Iraq, saying that if we pull out now it will all be in vain.  Well guess what...to me, its already in vain.  It started with a redneck president's pride and his personal family agenda (not to mention a whole lot of oil) and now we are working are asses off to justify the loss of human life.  We marched our armies in there and wedged them in the middle of an ANCIENT feud between two groups of people and though hey..we're the US, we can fix anything, lets force you all into democracy.  And now that it has blown up in our faces and we're all TRILLIONS of dollars in debt, we are clinging to some kind of justification for this.  In my opinion, the only way we can truly move forward, is to pull back and let the work we have done there stand on its own two feet.  I support our troops.  I do not support this war.

Biden has a son going to Iraq very soon.  For him and for Obama...getting Iraq right is about wayyy more than just proving a point.  We need a changeeee. Now.  So bad.  Obama is the man to do it.  He's young, yes.  Inexperienced...perhaps in some areas.  But no president runs a country alone and he already has more maturity and more charisma than any politician I've seen.  I'm sick and tired of the ridiculousness of the United States.  I'm ashamed to be American most times.  I want so badly for that to change.  And you know what sucks?  I'm not even fucking old enough to vote.  For all you 18 year olds who are just kind of on the fence or dont really give a shit...get educated, make an informed decision - whether you are democrat or republican it doesnt matter.  Use your right, your privilege, your power - and vote.