the last day of 2008

2008 has pretty much been the best year of my life thus far. 

A Few Things I learned in 2008:

*Getting out of high school saved my life.

*I'm smarter than I thought I was.

*I'm stronger than I thought I was.

*I like vodka.

*I can sleep when I'm dead.

*Working hard really really does pay off.

*I'm sooooo lucky to be able to do what I love.

*I have no idea what the future holds for me, but thats ok. I almost like not knowing.

*I Love Lucy re runs make me happy.  thats good tv.

*Letting go is an art form in itself.

*I witnessed history Nov 4th.

*Seeing the duality in everything can be frustrating.  I'm not a fence rider, but I can see both sides of an argument.

*I finally figured out what a falaffle is.

*My room mate really is one of my greatest friends.

*I never want to let go of the part of me that is still child.

*Life is short and scary and wonderful all at once.

*babies are incredible beings.

*Money will always be a problem.  Always. 

*I agree with Jim Gaffigan...I have never felt good after eating Hot pockets. 

*The definition of home changes when you live on your own.  My home is my family.  My house and my dorm are just the places I sleep and keep my shit.

*If I could date anyone in the world it would be Rob Pattinson. duh.

*I cannot shave my legs without nicking myself at least once.

*I love soymilk.

*some friendships, even if you know its better they end, are just bound to last forever.

*Some wounds are especially hard to heal completely.

*I'm going to be something.

*Pancakes are best at midnight.

*Kahlil Gibran pretty much sums it up.  "Kneel only before Truth, Follow only Beauty and Obey only Love."

I'm so pumped for 2009

adam and eve

Just some lyrics that seemed to stick with me today....

"....you're trying to find a reason

why you have to leave

but i know its cuz you think you're adam

and you think i am eve.

you rhapsodize about beauty

and my eyes glaze

everything i love is ugly

i mean really, you would be amazed

just do me a favor

it's the least that you can do

just don't treat me like I am 

something that happened to you

i am truly sorry about all this

you put a tiny pin prick

in my big red balloon

and as i slowly start to exhale

thats when you leave the room

i did not design this game

i did not name the stakes

i just happen to like apples

and i'm not afraid of snakes.

i am truly sorry about all this

i envy your ignorance

i hear that its bliss

so i let go the ratio

of things said to things heard

as i leave you to your garden

and the beauty you preferred

and i wonder what of this

will have meaning for you

when you've left it all behind

i guess i'll even wonder

if you meant it

at the time."

~Ani DiFranco

peace love and assorted baked goods.

Its getting closer and closer to Christmas time.  It has never been sweeter to just be home.  I didn't realize while I was at school how good it feels to be home for holidays like this.  I'm looking at Christmas in a whole new light this year.  Suddenly everything that was appealing about it when I was a little kid has come flooding back.  The last couple years Christmas was good - except my mind was on other things.  My head was already thinking about the future, planning it, wishing for it, wanting more than anything to just be a grown up already.  And now that I'm exactly where I had wanted so badly to be, home is so much sweeter and I'm a little kid again.  I'm excited about the little things again - the hot chocolate, christmas ornaments made out of popsicle sticks and excessive amounts of glitter glue, decorating the house...even Christmas shopping. I usually hate to take part in ridiculous holiday consumerism, but this year I'm happy to do it.  I like to shop for people I love.  And baking...all I want to do, all day long is bake and bake and bake.  I caught myself watching Martha Stewart the other day when I was home alone.  As much as I hate to admit it, after watching I was planning in my head my own little bakery/bookstore, complete with my artwork all over the walls and my children's books being sold along with cute little packages of baked goods.  Damn you Martha Stewart.

I'm just really feeling Christmas this year.  I think I had been missing it the past couple years and I'm so glad to have it back.  The tree is decorated, Dad has his guitar out playing music in the next room, Mom's making Christmas cards...and I just have this really peaceful feeling.  This month has been incredibly stressful for our family financially and emotionally.  But I just feel hopeful right now.  We survive.  We live.  We celebrate.  We bake hardcore.  Life is still amazing and full and wonderful.  

peace love and assorted baked goods.  ~Hayden

diplomacy

So yesterday I had that meeting with that professor I was telling you about to challenge my grade.  I left that meeting feeling more confident and grown up than I ever have.  Before this meeting, it took everything in me to write a diplomatic, respectful email to this particular teacher - who has dubbed himself king of all ass-holes in my life thus far.  When I found out that our presentation received the lowest grade in the class after being on of the best ones given over all...I was livid.  Our presentation really was one of the top presentations, hands down.  So when I found out we had the lowest grade I was ready to blow.  I looked down at my new tattoo, trying to remember that peace and love should come first when really...all I wanted to do was verbally abuse this man until he cried.

So I took a deep breath and wrote an extremely well written, respectful email addressing my concerns.  I was so happy just to be standing up for myself that all of my nerves disappeared when we walked into his office yesterday for the meeting.  I got the grade bumped up to a decent grade and I was happy.  Happy because the meeting went so well, everyone left in a good mood, no one was offended, everyone was satisfied.  And I realized just how far a little diplomacy can go.  Its all about taking that deep breath and choosing.  Choosing to do the right thing, the peaceful thing.  I tried to imagine all the things that I could make so much better in my life if I just took that deep breath more often and thought first before speaking in retaliation.  I'm not a pro at it, but I want to try to be better at it.  If everyone could take that second to just think first and choose the peaceful way out of a conflict...imagine what could be.

I realize that my blog portrays me as a bit of an idealist.  And people may not always like that about me.  But I have come to the point where I just don't care what they think anymore.  Because even if all this peace and diplomacy talk seems to be unrealistic to others...to me, just visualizing it, and trying my best to be that person who chooses peace, diplomacy and love first is taking baby steps in the right direction.  And I'm ok with that.  Sure I may be an idealist, but I'm educated, I'm aware, and at least I'm trying.  Even if I'm only one person, I'm trying.  

Finals are almost done.  My biggest projects are all turned in.  I looked back at my portfolio and had a moment.  I have come so far in just one semester.  There is always that point when you wonder ...did I do enough?  Am I enough?  My goal was to manage this semester and I did.  No matter what I am proud of that and how far I have come as an individual.  For me, it was enough.  I think I need to teach myself to stop trying to please people sometimes.  I realized as I turned in all my work, that I havent picked up a pencil for myself in months.  So I am SO ready for break.  To draw, to sleep, to read book after book....I'm so ready.  And I deserve it.

Well, I'm off to take an Italian exam.  Cross your fingers.  <3

Finalssssss

I need some tea to calm me down.  Finals week is killer.  How I'm finding time to blog is beyond me...and probably not the smartest thing to do in a time crunch week....but I needed a break - badly.  I really think that the key to finals is mind over matter.  I look at all my projects, all the studying I have to do and I know that it is all doable, all possible, all reasonable.  The enormity of it is what's overwhelming.  Sometimes I can handle it, keep it all at bay, control the stress.  Other times I want to scream.  Other times I just want to sleep.  Right now I'm kind of in between all of that.

I felt fearless today.  I had a ridiculously inadequate instructor give me an even more ridiculous grade on a presentation that I worked extremely hard on.  Ask anyone in the class - it was an extremely unfair grade.  So I went and challenged it with my presentation partner.  I have an appointment next monday to talk to the instructor, but I sent him an extremely diplomatic email about it - to which he didn't even respond.  So today when we made the appointment, I made sure to stand up extra tall, to speak like an adult, look him in the eye and let him know I will not be spoken down to.  Thats one thing I really hate.  Don't be condescending with me...I'm intelligent enough to carry a conversation as your equal.  I feel empowered haha.  Even if he doesn't change the grade...I'll still be pissed but I am more proud that I stood up for myself than anything else.  Independence is so sweet.

another thing that is sweet...is microwavable kettle corn.  Not as good as the real thing...but still. Makes me happy.

<3

"there is nothing false about hope."

Yes We Can.

gratitude.

Tomorrow is annual turkey day.  A day of visits to Grandma's house, extreme over eating, and sitting around watching football, and making fun of napping cousins (with their pants unbuttoned in response to turkey comas.)  I'm so glad to be on break from school.  I'm dreading going back seeing as its the last week of classes and then the ominous week of final exams.  I know I will do well, its just utterly overwhelming.  Coming home has been a bit overwhelming as well in certain ways.  A lot of things have changed while I've been at school - good and bad.  Once again, money is on the brain.  And in a big way.  Just when you think you're ok, and that your finally stable, the universe goes and pulls the rug out from underneath you.   I guess I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from these circumstances.  I want to believe that everything happens for a reason but sometimes it just feels like the world is out to get you.  But seeing as its the holiday for gratitude, I'm making a list of all the things I am thankful for, the things I DO have in my life.  Looking at this list suddenly makes money problems seem so trivial and small.  I'm thankful for....

*being able to go to art school and getting shot at doing what makes me absolutely happy and completely fulfilled.

*Having all the basic necessities...clean water, a roof over my head, food...

*Being alive to witness the first black president of the United States.  Being proud to be American for the first time ever.

*Feeling like I'm getting closer and closer to the woman I want to be.

*Having beautiful friends and an incredible, talented, strong family.

*Learning from my mistakes.

*my dog. :)

*Not growing up addicted to video games and actually learning how to have a real conversation instead.

*I'm thankful for my voice.  For my freedom to speak.

*White out.

*ipod.

*prismacolor pencils.

*clean sheets that smell nice.

*Robert Pattinson.  

*I'm thankful for people fighting in Iraq to protect me even though we don't know each other's names.

*My best friends.

*Having a sense of purpose and direction, even if I havent completely found it yet - I know I'm on my way there.

*Yogi tea.

*tattoos

*People who love me when I can't love myself.

*The turkey who died in order to feed me tomorrow :(

*Having eyes and ears that work so I can read endlessly, and listen to music all I want.

*Being alive.

Blessed.  

tattoo <3

its beautiful.  i feel beautiful.  love is beautiful.

18

i am officially 18 years old.  :D

letting go.

I said it because I've been waiting for you to hear me - really hear me - forever.

I said it because I care about you.

I said it because I'm tired of the bullshit.

I said it because I deserve more than this is and so do you.

I said it because I'm done carrying your extra baggage.

I said it with anger in my voice because you don't listen to diplomacy anymore.  My struggle to say it the "nice way" has always been in vain ever since we were kids.  Maybe this time you'll hear me.  Your my best friend.

But I'm done fighting for you when you throw yourself into the same shit over and over again.  I can't do it anymore. and I shouldnt have to.  So good luck.  love you.

word vomit.

*I can't believe this semester is almost over.  It went by so fast and so slow at the same time.  Almost at perfect speed.  Fast enough to go by without being painful, but slow enough so I feel like I didn't miss anything.  

*I love my dorm.  I don't really know how I will readjust to being at home now that I've lived on my own.  It makes me feel grown up.  

*My room mate bought me my very own shot glass today.  That makes me feel grown up too.  :)

*I wonder if people realize it when they say some paper cut of a comment that makes you bleed more than you expected.  I need to invest in more band aids.

*Dining hall food sucks.  Tofu stew...Seriously?  Seriously.

*I miss home a lot this week.  I want to go home and lay around and talk and drink hot chocolate with my family and play with my dog and forget about stuff for a bit.  It would be lovely.

*Boys suck.  Especially when you go to school where there are more squirrels than straight guys. And the ones I have met, just don't get it.  I'm a human - not just a pair of boobs.  

*This Saturday I get to party with my favorite girls in K3E and be stupid and just relax for once.  :)

*Someone showed me what a camel spider was this week.  And I now have nightmares about them.  Holy shit.  If you havent seen one, look it up.

*If I could do anything in the world at this exact moment, I would probably be on a date with Rob Pattinson.

*Sometimes I wonder if Jay still thinks about me at all.  It makes me feel pathetic.  Its so fucking dumb.

*My little sister is going to change the world.  

* Claire de Lune has been playing my head over and over for a week.  And I still like it.

"don't lose your faith, don't run away, hey baby its only Life."

I drink tea before bed.  A lot lately.  Calms me down I guess.  Makes me feel happy and safe.  It also makes me have to pee like sea biscuit but hey...thats ok.

Life is so sweet right now.  This past week brought with it emotional roller coasters and plenty of hard work.  But life is so undeniably good right now.  Good with the bad - I am just happy to be on earth in this exact moment.  But to bring everybody up to speed, I guess I'll start with the bad so I can end with the good.

Megan had her baby on the fifth at around 11 at night (this is good news).  What an insane day.  I got the call she was in the hospital at like 7:30 in the morning.  I thought I might be able to go to classes but I found out from my mom that things were moving faster than expected.  So I emailed my teachers and drove to Highland around ten with Mom where we spent a little over twelve hours waiting for that beautiful baby.  Megan was a soldier - 20 hours of labor all together.  The whole situation would have been so much better if the father didn't show up with his new girlfriend and a fake ass wedding band on his finger.  His stupidity never fails to amaze me.  And the girlfriend's stupidity - even more astounding.  She had the nerve to walk into the delivery room.  Luckily Meg was too drugged up to get upset.  But Mom was ready to kick this girl's ass.  It was great.  I can't really explain how I was feeling that day - I felt so much at once I almost felt sick.  I was angry - at Ray, at the whole situation, and at the new girlfriend.  I was sad mostly though - for Megan.  I kept wishing that this whole thing was happening to her when she was ready.  When it was a happy thing for her parents too. When she had someone who REALLY loved her beside her. When she was ready to be a Mom.  I was anxious - mostly for the baby to be here and be healthy and for everything to be ok.  But on top of all of this, afterwards I just felt totally empty.  I should have been happy or something...I don't know.  

I felt so strange and I lost it in the car on the way home.  I felt like Ally and Meg and everyone didn't need me anymore all of the sudden.  Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore now that I wasn't needed.  I felt useless.  And it hurt me to realize that I'm the girl people go to with panic, with conflicts, with emotional baggage - because I'm really good at helping them hold it up.  But then when its over - I feel like I'm stumbling around totally alone.  So suddenly - nine months of waiting, of agonizing, of being there is over.  And I don't know what to do with myself.  And I have no idea if it even mattered.  I just hope that the baby knows he is loved.  

Now for happier stuff.  I'm almost 18 years old.  And yesterday I finished designing my second tattoo. This one is different.  It feels different.  My first tattoo will always mean a lot to me.  This new one has been a process that has been just as beautiful - if not more.  Its a gaelic saying that means "Peace Walks on Love's Road."  It has a dove on the tail of the phrase and it's going to go down my right wrist.  I thought a lot about this tattoo while I was putting it together and just really reflected on this year.  It has been an AMAZING, beautiful, challenging, emotional year.  Graduation, college, independence, Megans baby, the first black president of the United States, growing, changing, feeling closer to the person I want to be....this year has been my best so far.  It has pulled me in so many different directions and taught me that the one true thing in my life is Love.  And with all this year has brought me, I am ready to put this statement on me without any hesitation.  I know now more than I ever have, that my belief in Love is the driving force behind my existence.  I want to look at this tattoo so that I can live up to it.  So that I always know that above all things - Love first, peace first.  I want it on my right hand, my drawing hand, my dominant hand so that I am reminded that Love should be dominant in my life as well.  I want it in an ancient language, beautiful and scripted and speaking to my heritage - however removed it may be.  I look at this design and I know I am meant to wear it.  Its nothing huge. Its simple, and elegant, and to me it will always be powerful.  I am so excited to get it done I can't even tell you.  I DREAM about it at night.  

Life is beautiful and scary and wonderful.  And I am so in it right now.

unyielding hope.

I want to remember this moment forever.  I want to tell my grandchildren about it.  I want to sing.   I want to cry.  (oh wait I'm already doing that.)

I cannot believe I am alive, in this moment, right now.  Its not just about the fact that Obama is our new president.  Its the fact that millions of Americans put him there.  That millions of Americans dont just believe in one man, but they believe in change, in the future, in facing the struggle with dignity, and hope.  That America is finally getting it.  I cannot contain my joy.  I cried so hard.  Just to be here, just to see this day, just to be alive.  To think about Martin Luther King, to think about all our country has been through.  To think that we choose the here and now to move forward.  To hear an incredible, historic speech by our new president.  God is so good.  

I know that the next years will be incredibly hard.  They will test us and change us.  But I can honestly say that this is the first time in my entire life, I have ever been proud to be American.  This is history.  This is history.  It means more to me than I can ever explain.  My prayers now are about keeping Obama and his family safe so this moment will not be in vain.  I am filled with "unyielding hope."   Yes We Can.

edward cullen and elections.

Yes, I have fallen victim to the Twilight series.  Don't judge me.  I've never been into the sci fi, vampire fiction crap.  And thats exactly what I thought these books were until my room mate forced me to actually read them.  I went through all four books in less than a week.  I'm in love - madly in love - with Edward Cullen.  (well basically Rob Pattinson...but you get what I mean.)  I'm going to the midnight premier for my birthday!  GAH he is so sexy.  BIte me - please.

I'm up watching the election coverage and desperately hoping for Obama to come out on top. If he doesnt, I'm seriously considering moving out of the US as soon as I'm out of college.  So my fingers are crossed, and I'm feeling hopeful.  :D

peace and LOVE.

this life.

Its been especially nuts this week.  Well....at least in my head.  I feel so anxious.  Megan's baby is due this week.  Which means a lot of things.  Things I can't wrap my head around yet.  Things I dont want to wrap my head around yet.  I dont know what to think anymore, all I know is that the only thing I have to give is my love.  I have to trust that it has the power to do more than me right now.  Its all I have.

School is going well, its just getting busier and harder.  I stressed myself out so much that today around 8 at night I realized I hadnt eaten at all.  Yesterday I only ate one meal - a bagel.  I forget to feed myself sometimes I am so immersed in this place.  I have to work at finding my balance again.  I havent been so good at it lately.  I'm anxious for Thanksgiving break.  And my birthday!  I'm getting another tattoo for my 18th this year.  Its a phrase in gaelic meaning, "peace walks on love's road."  It means a lot to me and the script is beautiful.  I havent decided quite where to put it yet.  I want it somewhere I can see it to remind myself to always center myself around peace and love.  its probably going on my wrist somewhere.  Dunno yet.

Other than that things have been pretty normal.  I've been reading Twilight books like a maniac.  At first I was so skeptical.  Vampire books?  COME ON...pshhh.  But after being forced to read the first, I had to read the second.  I am now on the third.  And I'm wishing that I could have an Edward Cullen all to myself.  Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "bite me."  ....yes please.

:)

collision.

I managed to get myself into a car accident.  Nothing bad, no one was hurt, neither car was totaled.  But holy shit did it scare me.  I dont like it. I dont like it.  I dont. like. it.  After crying and shaking and apologizing and making sure everyone was still breathing I just can't even believe it happened.

life DOES come at you fast.  holy shit.

so much love.

My parents got their vows renewed today.  25 years married.  I cried like a baby.  It was just such a beautiful moment.  I can't even explain it.  The way they love each other teaches me so much.  And it also scares the hell out of me.  Love like that is hard to find. I feel like I will forever be searching for a love like that and I'll never find it.  I'm sure my soulmate, whoever he is, is probably already out there somewhere and I don't even know it.  I guess the trick is finding them, and never letting them go.  

Love wins.

i love autumn.

You know that itch people get when spring comes around?  That "i-dont-want-to-work-i-just-want-to-be-outside" kind of feeling? Well in my family, we get the itch early - right around the beginning of October.  I love Fall the best.  I love the colors, the smells, the food, the jeans and flannel.  You name it - I love it.

Campus is especially gorgeous right now and its putting me in this very peaceful mood.  I just want to lay around outside and draw or drink cider or whatever...I just want to be.  I'm feeling a lot of relief today because the past week or so has been stressful.  Midterms and portfolio reviews that just make my stomach knot with so much worry.  They are almost over though and I'm just happy that I'm doing okay.  I'm completely content with the world right now.  Gimme another hour and maybe it will be different...I dont know, but right now....all is well.

Stopped home for a night last weekend to see family.  I ended up having to stop by my high school's homecoming.  I couldnt help but laugh and just realize how much high school SUCKS.  I mean I hated it when I was there, but I realize even more so now, how absolutely lost I would be if I had to spend one more DAY there.  College is saving my life.  Building my life.  I don't know, but I just need it.  As Thanksgiving break gets closer, I'm beginning to feel that ache when you realize just how much you've missed your friends.  I definitely plan on getting together with people and catching up.  Its so strange how far apart these two worlds are.  I don't just have one home anymore, I have two.  It's just so different.  I love both equally.

I'm also beginning to understand and accept, that I will most likely be a broke, starving artist for the next...idk...decade?  My job at the gallery is so nice, and then I realize that even the checks I think are huge, can be spent in like a second.  I'm trying not to worry about money but its just becoming a fact of my life...I'm not gonna have much of it for a while haha.  But when I think about it, I really dont have much of an issue with that.  There are people in the world who have it much worse than I do.  I can manage.  I feel like as long as I have art, and a voice, and people to love, I can handle anything.  I want to live simply.  More than anything.  I want to live simply, and Love like its my job, and create like its my life.  Thats all.  

Ahh I forgot.

I have fallen deeply in love with Andy Goldsworthy's artwork.  Look him up, he's incredible.  He's a scottish artist whose work is based solely on nature.  He basically walks outside and makes art with whatever he sees.  Its absolutely stunning.  These are just a few of works, there is so much more out on the web, check him outttttt <3

I can still laugh :)

I'm just in love with being alive today.  And I thought you all should know.  The world is so shitty and fucked up and I was starting to let it get me down.  Financial crisis, hunger, poverty, dirty politics, war, close minded assholes, media, money money money, work work work, pettiness, pride, anger, defeat of my spirit....

and then I thought, hell no.  I will not be beaten down today- because I'm ok.  I'm ok because I'm alive.  I'm ok because I can run and jump and blow bubbles and sing songs and play scrabble.  I can draw, I can paint, I can create, I can speak, hear, taste, touch, see, hope, dream, and I can laugh.  I can still laugh.

Yeah, I'm ok.  I'm more than ok.  I'm beautiful.

make love. not war. i need to bitch about this.

Politics have got me all revved up lately.  It started in my Freshmen Seminar class where we ended up talking about this huge financial crisis we're in and the upcoming election.  I'm an Obama supporter, so if you have something against that you should just stop reading now.  I've had people tell me that "liberalism is a mental disorder," and I'm seriously offended by it.  I think everyone has a right to their own opinion, and if you don't think I have a right to mine, you can fuck a duck. Nothing makes me more upset than talking politics with closed minded people.  I usually avoid the subject all together.

But anyway, as part of our homework, we had to watch the VP debate with Sarah Palin and Joe Biden and then write our opinions on it and post it in an online class thread...for everyone to read.  So I had to be extra careful about what I said because I hate to cause conflict with people over this shit, I really do.  But this is MY blog, so I'm gonna say whatever the hell I please.  Sarah Palin is a complete joke.  Is anyone else utterly TERRIFIED that there is a huge possibly that our country's NUCLEAR CODES could be in her hands within months?!!!  She wasn't even close to be a convincing politician.  A lot of the kids in my class tended to side with her saying she was "nicer" and "talked like a human being."  Well here's the thing for me...the VICE PRESIDENT of the United States, should speak like an intelligent human being, not like a hockey mom who was coached through a slew of political phrases and got her teeth whitened just for the event. I say this without any sexism, I simply say it because its all I know about her.  Her back country slurs did not make me like her, or feel like she was "more human," it made me question her intelligence and it made me feel a little insulted.  She came out of nowhere into this campaign.  Who the hell IS she?  As for who was the "nicer" candidate...if you go into a debate judging it based on the "nicer" person, you are delusional.  Both candidates are going to take shots at each other its what they do- its a debate.  And if you ask me, if our future vice president is involved in major global negotiations...I sure am sure hell not picking the "nicer" one.

I went around the internet (with the fact in mind that most, if not all of what I would find would be rumor) and found many coinciding stories of her involvement in book banning, and even involvement in the Alaskan Independence Party.  (So...she wanted Alaska independent from the United States and now she wants to help run it?) Though the story is very vague and obviously twisted around...more than one account from existing members of the Party claim her and her husbands involvement as far back as 1994.  This woman just had a baby with special needs, her 17 year old is about to have a baby and she just jumped into this campaign head first without a care in the world.  This tells me that she puts her own ambitions before her family - I trait I don't necessarily admire.  

I thought Biden represented himself with great integrity and experience.  He explained directly the the American people what they are getting into and he did so without being condescending.  We need his experience in foreign relations so badly.  Everyone is freaking out about the 16 month plan to get the troops out of Iraq, saying that if we pull out now it will all be in vain.  Well guess what...to me, its already in vain.  It started with a redneck president's pride and his personal family agenda (not to mention a whole lot of oil) and now we are working are asses off to justify the loss of human life.  We marched our armies in there and wedged them in the middle of an ANCIENT feud between two groups of people and though hey..we're the US, we can fix anything, lets force you all into democracy.  And now that it has blown up in our faces and we're all TRILLIONS of dollars in debt, we are clinging to some kind of justification for this.  In my opinion, the only way we can truly move forward, is to pull back and let the work we have done there stand on its own two feet.  I support our troops.  I do not support this war.

Biden has a son going to Iraq very soon.  For him and for Obama...getting Iraq right is about wayyy more than just proving a point.  We need a changeeee. Now.  So bad.  Obama is the man to do it.  He's young, yes.  Inexperienced...perhaps in some areas.  But no president runs a country alone and he already has more maturity and more charisma than any politician I've seen.  I'm sick and tired of the ridiculousness of the United States.  I'm ashamed to be American most times.  I want so badly for that to change.  And you know what sucks?  I'm not even fucking old enough to vote.  For all you 18 year olds who are just kind of on the fence or dont really give a shit...get educated, make an informed decision - whether you are democrat or republican it doesnt matter.  Use your right, your privilege, your power - and vote.

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Sometimes we get a little bored on weekends and make forts to watch movies under.  Isn't that the shittiest fort you have ever seen? <>

Well its been a while since my last post and so much has been happening I can hardly see straight.  The project I had been so worried about wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was still pretty rough grading in our class but I came out with a B.  I have never been so thankful for a B in my entire life.  Maureen, our professor is a hard ass.  But at the same time she is my HERO.  She has had the most interesting life, so many stories and she is so devoted to her painting.  She also has ADD and a sailor's mouth so I could listen to her talk all day.  We'll get up to go to class early in the morning and she'll walk in the room with old hoodies on, covered in paint saying, "Why the fuck am I awake?"  She's quirky and strange and psycho but I absolutely love it.  Underneath all of that she is an extremely good person.  After her husband died, she sold a painting in France for like $16,000.  She came home and looked around at all the material stuff her husband had collected and sold all over her stuff because she wanted to make a difference with the money somewhere instead of just "fuckin around."  (classic Maureen.)  She spent some time in Tanzania where she helped teach and stayed in a village.  From then on, every single cent of any money she makes when she sells a painting, she sends to the town she stayed in.  How freakin amazing is that?  Hands down - my hero.

This past week has been one of the absolute busiest.  I had three huge assignments due one day after another.  I handed in the last of them yesterday and rewarded myself with a longgg beautiful nap.  (or two.)  I have spent the past week or so staying up until 2-3am working on either art or english or some kind of homework.  Its a lot to handle especially because I haven't been procrastinating and I'm still up so late!  Part of that is probably because of this boy who likes to hold my hand sometimes.  But still..I've been doing well staying on top of things.  But now I take more naps than I did when I was a toddler.  I go to class, work, eat, sleep, work, sleep, eat, go to class...etc.  It never ends.  And I'm so in love with it.  

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.  My sister Maggie is coming up to spend the night in my dorm.  She's so excited about and so am I.  I cant wait to just hang out and show her what dorm life is like.  I think she'll love it.  Its so strange because I feel so far away.  Its almost weird to go home because my life is SO drastically different.  I cant wait for Mags to be here so I can just show her around...this is my life now.  I love weekends with a passion.  And this weekend I'm going home for a night which I am really looking forward to.  I haven't been home in a month.  So Mags sleeps over Friday, I sleep over Saturday.  I have to go to my best friend's little sister's baby shower.  I have a feeling its going to be an awkward, almost painful event seeing as she is 16 years old, but I really want to see Ally.  I have missed her so much.  So this weekend should be fun, I can't wait to just be with my family.  You forget how much you need them sometimes.  

till next time <3

This week has been a little overwhelming.  But in the best ways.  This week things in school have gotten more serious.  I'm terrified for my art class tomorrow.  I worked my ass off on a linear perspective and turned it in when it was due, tomorrow i get the grade.  Then today I heard that the other class working on the same project ended up getting F's.  EVERY single one of them got F's.  Its brutal.  If I ever catch anyone saying that Art majors dont work hard...I'll personally kick their ass.

Today I've just been feelin a little down.  Missing people, feeling overwhelmed, a little scared of tomorrow.  But I keep reminding myself how well everything is going and how I have to take the good with the bad.  Find a balance. 

In other news...my beautiful dorm walls are no longer blank.  I bought my Dave Matthews poster - finally.  His sax player recently died.  And I cried.  I seriously did.  I need to find out when his next concert is near by.  I'm having Dave concert withdrawals.  The other day I went out with my momma and my sister, my cousin Tori and Aunt Gerri, to the Clothesline festival at the art gallery.  It was so awesome.  Its like a lilac festival only for all artists.  I saw so many things I loved and wanted to learn how to make.  Hopefully before I die I'll get a booth there and sell my art.  There were potters, sculptors, painters, jewelry makers, glass blowers, belly dancers, hula dancers, wood workers, guitar players.  It was just a big beautiful day of art. And I spent it with the best people in the world.

My birthday is around the corner in November.  18 on the 18th!!! WOO.  I'm savin up for my next tattoo...and hopefully for a nose piercingggggg.  I dont know yet.  But..at LEAST a tattoo.  I have to start working on that design soon.  I'm so excited :)  I love being an adult who can make her own decisions sometimes.  Nobody can really talk you out of doing what you want.  You're free.  Tattoos? Piercings? Mhm.  yes please.  Thats another reason I love art so much.  It just has so many infinite possibilities and you can express yourself however the hell you want because it becomes your life.  It completes you, transforms you into the person you want to become inside and out.  I love that. I love this.  This is me.

it just makes sense.

Things are good.  I mean...SO good.  The kind of good you are afraid of sometimes cuz you think it might not last, that its too good to be true.  And then you remind yourself that you deserve everything in front of you at this very moment...and the world gets even prettier.

This is the first time I have felt completely in control of my life.  I'm a freaking sponge.  I cant stop listening, I cant stop watching, I cant stop laughing, I cant stop learning new things.  Every single part of me is meant to be here.  I have amazing friends already and its only been two weeks.  I leave my art classes feeling like a dreamer, a creator, an adult. Sometimes I catch myself tearing up a little bit - not cuz of homesickness or stress - but just because I'm so incredibly happy and thankful.

I do miss the family a lot, but I have seen them once or twice since move in day.  Its really hard for me to be away from them but they keep me motivated and excited.  And when I do get to see them it just makes it that much better. My time here is for me, but its also for them <3

  

My dorm floor is awesome.  I cant believe how quickly people can become friends and I'm really glad everyone has clicked so well this far.  I have lost countless hours of sleep playing cards and taking walks and just talking with people - and its so worth it.  I can sleep when I'm dead.  (And when my homework is done...which I've actually been keeping up with fairly well.)  I've lost a little weight, I laugh my ass off at least three times a day, I learned how to play poker, and I am kicking ass in art class.  

Life is sweet.

dum dum dum....

College is awesome.  Plain and simple.  Besides the early classes, I'm having such an amazing time just living here.  My floor is full of incredible, funny, insane people who laugh at my dumb jokes.  I like doing laundry, I love having homework, I love having my own desk and taking care of myself.  I love this.  :)

Buddhism and Myself

Last night was really an enlightening experience.  Naz held an open house for the center for spirituality, inviting students from all walks of faith to join either the Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, or Buddhist meetings - ( think there were more but I dont remember them all.)  Now here's my issue...like I've said before, I dont find myself to be super religious, but I do believe I am a spiritual person.  I was raised in a very interesting church that is technically catholic, but extremely liberal.  (we actually got excommunicated for supporting gay marriage and allowing women on the alter.)  So going to church as I kid, I never really knew exactly what I was, I always just considered us the hippy church and I am so proud to be apart of it. But suddenly here I am, in this beautiful center for spirituality, totally feeling like I dont know where I belong, but knowing for sure that I am supposed to be there...somewhere.

I asked a friend who actually has been going to the same church as me for a long time, which mass might suit me best and she suggested the Catholic mass because it might be more familiar to me.  I had every intention of taking her advice, and while the mass was getting set up, there was a bit of down time to explore the rooms.  So I wandered into the zen meditation room to check it out where I ended up meeting Jessica.  Jessica was really really cool.  She practices Tibetan Buddhism and she started to explain to me some of it, and of course....I couldnt stop listening and asking questions.  It was so interesting I could have stayed there for hours...and I kind of did.  I started to hear the Catholic mass start up in the chapel, but something was just telling me to stay.  More and more people joined the group, students and faculty and the discussion was just so amazing and eye opening.  I had so many misconceptions about Buddhism, and was really excited about all the concepts of it.  There is so much connectivity in all religions that it makes me kind of angry that they try and compete with each other.  Love, compassion, truth, are present in every religion I have come across so far in my life, I dont understand how some religions view other religions as being "wrong."

While I was sitting there I just kept thinking about how the things I believe in and how...thus far, I havent really found my place in a certain religion because my morals and values tie into so many.  I'm like a mutt.  I believe in love more than anything and that it is the root of goodness in the world.  I believe that in our humanity, striving to be good, and truthful, and thankful and to question things is must.  I can't really explain exactly what I was feeling as I listened to Jessica and Chris and some others talk about their experience and their own personal truths, other than saying that I just felt...full.  I had an art professor at our advisement meeting say, "Start thinking creatively now.  Go experience things and see things, look for inspiration so that when you get to really express yourself with your art, you know what you want to say."  I wondered about my future work while I sat in the zen room, I wondered about how this might affect the things I create and it felt so right to be there. 

What do I want say?  Theres so much.  So much.

quick update

  Got up, ate breakfast, had orientation groups meet and talk about Work study and Sexual assault.  Ate lunch.  Got on buses for community service.  Got lost.  Found Camp.  Weeded, mulched, got dirty.  Came home, took shower, almost dropped clean underwear in shower, (again) ate dinner, came back to dorm.  Played an AWESOME game of Apples to Apples with new friends, went to mixer, came back, stayed up coloring with new friends for shits and giggles.  Went on a midnight adventure to first floor to find microwave for ramen noodles, and finallly..I'm in bed.  :)

Beginnings.

So today was day two of crazy-insane-orientation weekend.  I'm getting sick of the stupid ice breaker games and I just really want to start classes.  Thats why today was so exciting.  

We woke up way to early for breakfast and spent a horrendously long time at  presentation that no one could hear or understand or stay awake through.  So we ditched the ITS presentation that no one could really hear and hiked back up to our room to set up the printer, etc...Then the best part of the day finally arrived.

We were sent to go meet our advisors in our different departments.  So finally, all of us Art kids were in one room with all of our professors.  The Art staff on this campus are truly the most real and down to earth people you will meet.  They all introduced themselves and started to talking to us about the year and expectations and stuff.  I now know that there will probably be NO time for me to work a second job.  My drawing professor's class alone requires hours of work in class and THEN...at least six hours every week of outside studio work to get a mere C.  Thats just one of my art classes.  I'm minoring in Art History which I probably will start working on new semester.  The professor for that said that for every hour of class there is at least two hours of outside work.  Intimidating and SO exciting.  You really just get completely immersed and I am SO ready for it.  I have no idea the kind of work load my english, italian, and seminar will give me, but I am planning to stay on top of it the best I can.  This is my life now.

My advisor Lynn is really awesome.  She came to lunch with a bunch of us girls.  (oh yeah, combing Art Ed and Studio Majors, there is a grand total of THREE guys. yay.) She answered a ton of questions and really made me feel more at ease about my little training in high school and just got me excited about everything.  I left lunch wanting to burst with happiness.

Now Me and Sam are hanging out in our room and finishing some unpacking. I cant stop thinking about how amazing it is to even be here.  I just feel so incredibly blessed.  Tonight is a Grey's marathon and some chill time.  Perfect <3

Safe Sex is Good Sex.

So today was move in day.  It went much much MUCH better than I expected it too.  The emotions were definitely running high and I felt this need to stay close to my family until the very last moments before they left.  I'm starting to learn though that everything is bearable when you have faith in yourself and whats ahead of you and the people in your life.  I definitely shed tears today, but my happiness here is keeping me in balance.  Things that seemed overwhelming yesterday seem so right now.  I'm really glad for that.

We moved all our crap in after waiting in a lonnnng ass line.  There were a bunch of people helping out so it didnt take long to get all of our stuff up in the room.  Sam had gotten there earlier to unload so we had plenty of space.  (I seriously have the best roomie in the world.  I would be lost without her.  And she was even so gracious as to give me the bed by the window.  What a doll.  I hope we can room together next year and the year after and the year after...and yeah.  love her.)  We unpacked a little and set up the basics, then had a quick lunch and met up with orientation groups.  At first they werent so eventful, but I had a chance to meet a lot of awesome new people.  Everyone here is sooo nice.  We had this long welcome ceremony with a bunch of speeches and our statement of intent, then we had to say goodbyes.  I had been dreading them all day.  There was this big ball of DREAD in the pit of my stomach.  I'm closer to my family than I think I could ever explain, so the moving out process was a milestone I was verrrrry aware of.  I still am. So we all cried, (there really was no way to avoid it) and then headed to the parking lot where there was this fork in the road. I had to go one way, and the family had to go the other way.  Gah.  It took me a bit to get myself together as I walked down my road.  But I did it.  And I am so happy I did.

We met up in groups again and had a really quick dinner and an RA meeting.  Then later we had groups AGAIN (gah.) and then we went and saw a comedian in the gym.  They were pretty decent.  But I gotta say, once you've seen Dane Cook there is no going back.  Its like seeing a cadillac and then having to buy an old lumina or something.  Still gets you from A-B, but doesnt drive as sweet.  Everyone was so tired by that point a bunch of them started to get up and leave to use the showers and such.  I almost felt bad for them.  Me and Sam came back to our dorm and unpacked some more, ran around our floor and knocked on doors, saying hey to everyone on Kearney East and hunting down a sink so we could make some crystal light for the fridge.  

We have the perfect room.  its tucked away at the end of a hall, with a little window seat right outside of it.  We live next door to our peer mentor who promptly posted a small envelope of condems on her white board outside her door with a note that said "safe sex is good sex!" right after the parents had all left.  It was an insane day and I have no idea why I am still up at 2:10am, but I dont want to forget any of this.  :)

More tomorrow <3

Thursday <3

I leave on Thursday.  I've never been so ready and so scared for anything in my entire life.

Blub Blub Blubber.

I could not control my tear ducts today.  I think its part of pms.  It happens regularly around that time.  I'll cry for no reason and then just not be able to stop until I am all out of tears and then I'll feel better.  But today was a little different.  

I got up and took my mom to her conference, stealing the car for the morning so I could finish her birthday gift.  I got her this really pretty locket and I needed to get the picture sized to fit it. (She looooved it.)  But all morning I just had this weird uneasy feeling.  At first I thought it was because I had a physical later and I hate going to the doctor's office.  But I was feeling so much anxiety and couldn't really pin point what it was.  It was just bothering me.  

I picked up Mom and we went to the doctors.  The lady at the desk asked all these questions about where I'm going to college and how this was my last appointment at the pediatricians.  Last appointment.  Usually my mom comes in with me and we steal rubber gloves to blow up and make jokes about how much the doctor talks but she let me go by myself this time and I thought hey, I can handle this.  But then I got into the room and looked around at the stupid dragonfly wall paper I had seen for so many years and was suddenly just overwhelmed.  I had to try really hard not to cry all of the sudden as the lady took my blood pressure.  "Your blood pressure is high, are you nervous?" And I explained to her that I had been feeling anxious all day and wasnt sure why.  And then I kindly asked her to tell my mother to come to my little room.  As soon as she came inside and closed the door I burst into tears - half cause i didnt really know why I was suddenly so overwhelmed, and half because I suddenly felt like Peter Pan - never ever ever wanting to grow up.

The doctor eventually came in and Mom kind of explained what was happening - (she said she was afraid the doctor would think she beat me hahaha)  And the doctor gave me this complete look of pity and would not shut UP about her sons and how things dont really hit you at first.  She was totally right but at the same time I was really trying hard not to keep crying and all I could think was - just give me my fucking gardisil shot and send me on my way.  My mom was so cool about it, I was a blubbering idiot and she totally understood.  And the best part is she knows that there are times when both of us could get emotional but I'll only cry worse if she does.  So - her not getting emotional either really helped me.  Well - kind of.  I cried in the car a lot too.  I was just - gah....couldn't stop.  At that point - I knew for sure it was hormones and not all the anxiety I had been feeling earlier so I just let go and had a good cry.  My eyes feel puffy still.

On a happier note - I know Dad's got something up his sleeve for Mom's birthday dinner - and I know it includes cake. So maybe I'll just go and enjoy some cake and some family time and just...be.

car plane shuttle train ...boat.

Home from Lake Hartwell, Georgia.  It was absolutely perfect.  We got up super early on Friday morning to get to the airport.  (I would just like to add that I am a master at packing light.  I fit all my stuff in one carry on.  Woo.)  We ended up dropping off our car and taking a shuttle to the airport.  Even though it was incredibly early, we were all laughing our heads off about anything and everything all the way to the gate.  

We started to board and I noticed there was a soldier and his family waiting to get on our plane.  As soon as they called our seat section, his mother burst in to tears and gave him the biggest hug.  It was heart wrenching.  I really hate goodbyes.  I start college in two weeks and saying goodbye to my family is the only thing that makes me emotional.  I hate it.  

The plane ride was pretty smooth, even though it smelled like rubber gloves and fruit loops.  It took us about two hours to get to Atlanta - the craziest airport I have ever seen.  From there we got on the Marta train.  Atlanta is an insane city.  The high ways are six lanes of traffic - coming AND going.  The Marta is a train that runs over the top of it.  It was really interesting to see all the people that use it. Workers, families, travelers, everyone uses it.  I had never been in one space with so many different people in it.  Black, white, latin, asian, middle eastern... everyone.  At one point during our ride, a middle eastern man with a suit on and a thick black turban on his head boarded the train.  Immediately everyone around him was looking down, uncomfortable, it was like you could see people's thoughts, most of them probably thought he was a terrorist.  He sat down and was very quiet, his expression kind of said "dont-fuck-with-me," but then, a woman came on the train with a baby in a stroller, four kids, in her work uniform.  Every seat was taken.  Nobody moved except the middle eastern man who got up and offered her his seat.  People can be so unexpectedly beautiful.

The train ride was about 45 minutes long and afterwards, my aunt Kathy picked us up in the rental car.  We drove for ANOTHER hour and 45 minutes, all of us tired and totally sick of vehicles in general.  Soon the city kind of dissolved from six lanes of traffic, to four, to two, until finally we were out in the boonies on a single dirt road.  Lake Hartwell is beautiful.  The beaches are red clay, the weather is a steady 98 degrees every day, and the water is so nice.  It was a big family event, my cousins were there, my aunt and uncle, my grandparents.  The cottage was like home away from home - (with central air and guitar hero).  We spent the days out on the boat, floating around, jet skiing, tubing, taking boat rides to all the different coves, taking "coffee cruises" in the morning (basically taking breakfast on the boat to see the lake during the morning hours.)  We watched movies in the air conditioning at night, went to the famous T-60 boil for a heaping pot of seafood, read books, did puzzles and just completely relaxed.  I may have looked like a tomato with my sun burn, but I could have cared less.  

To get back home we did the same routine - backwards - car shuttle plane etc...It was good to be home, to see civilization again, to see the dog and our own bedrooms.  I found myself a little emotional though. We came home to a pile of mail from Naz, and it hit me - I'm leaving.  Soon. I wont be living here much longer.  And then that fear of good byes kicked in again when I opened the orientation pamphlet to see pictures of parents saying goodbye to their kids.  God.  I felt homesick already.   But I felt incredibly lucky too and reminded myself - I'm only twenty minutes away, its not like I died, and pretty soon I'll be so absorbed in school I wont have time to be emotional.  Letting go is hard.

The Olympics started.  AMAZING opening ceremony.  I've been watching it all weekend now.  (Especially volleyball)  Right now gymnastics are on and the "women" gymnasts, look to be about 8 years old.  All the guys are what...4"11?  Nice arms though :)  The cameras kept showing George Bush in the crowd and he looked bored out of is freaking mind.  They even caught him checking his watch and yawning.  Way to go Pres, way to conk out on an amazing event bringing people all over the globe together. We can obviously see your enthusiasm.  I cant wait till this loser is out of office.

Till next time :)