secrets.

I'm pretty sure that most of you out there in blog land are aware of Post Secret. If you aren't, then get at it. (www.postsecret.com) It's wonderful. Every Sunday I check the new posts and every sunday I am moved, or entertained, and shocked or relieved. Every Sunday, I feel a little less alone knowing that a lot of the secrets we are afraid to let out, we already share in common with a lot of other people in the world. Sometimes the weight of these secrets stays with me through the day and I wonder if whoever they belong to, feel better about sharing it. There is so much we hide from each other. Some secrets are necessary, some are just simply a burden.

Shake it loose. Let it go. You aren't alone.

So I thought maybe if there are people out there who can share secrets, then so can I. It took me a while to really think of things people may or may not know about me, I've never had much to hide. But I'm coming up with a list. (If you haven't noticed by now, I kind of have a thing for lists.)

*I play the guitar and sing by myself in my room when I'm feeling stupid or stressed out. I'd never really play out for anyone. I do it when I have to remind myself I'm good at something even if I want no one to hear or see.

* I stole a shit load of art supplies from my high school art teacher. I figured it was justified. She robbed me of my inspiration, independence and creativity....I robbed her classroom.

*If I meet a guy who is shorter than me, I automatically keep it platonic. I know it sounds shallow and sometimes I hate myself for it, but I've been tall my entire life. I've been the big sore thumb in every group of friends I've ever had. I just want someone to make me feel small, protected, safe.

*Sex scares me. I'm afraid I just won't be what anybody wants.

*When I'm feeling bad about myself, I clean.

*I wait for you to call me or text me still. You don't unless it is once in a while. Even then I still get excited to see your name on my phone. I can't stand that. I resent you. You make me feel stupid, inferior, and vulnerable. But I'd still meet up with you at weird hours in random parking lots to make out if it meant I could keep you as my friend.

*Oh, and you aren't that good of a kisser. In fact I think you got worse since the last time I saw you.

*In fourth grade Mr. Mazzota yelled at me for shooting spitballs at Nick Somethingsomething. I was so embarrassed I cried after school.

*The reason I have so many gay friends is because gay men are the only men I trust.

*I told you I had to work, but really I just didn't want to see you.

*I walked out of a bathroom stall once with my skirt stuck in my panties. It's happened three times in my life thus far. I thought that was only supposed to happen in movies!

What are your secrets? < click it and be inspired.

thankful

So I know I'm a little late, but last year around Thanksgiving I made a list of things I'm grateful for. I know, I know...it's not the most original thing, but it's a tradition I feel good about continuing. Keeps things in perspective...

Things I Am Grateful For This Year:

*My Family, my home, my heart.

*Christmas lights

*Being able to have 3 meals a day

*Being free.

*My sister.

*scarves, hats, gloves

*Robert. Freaking. Pattinson.

*My car....my sanctuaryyyyy

*Really good guitar music.

*Pirate Radio

*Stress. Even if its bad.

*limbs that work, a voice that speaks.

*Dave Matthews. LOOOOOOVEEEEEEE

*having a steady job.

*full tanks of gas and really good mix cds on long drives.

*Fall.

*Hot water

*Pillows

*Adventures with Gretchen

*Comedy Central and hot chocolate.

*You.

10 things

1) I think good music helps me breathe better.

2) To me, there is nothing better than Autumn. No one can convince me otherwise.

3) I feel far away from people sometimes. I have amazing friends and family. I'm glad that I am trusted and I'm happy to be a shoulder. But sometimes I don't know who I'm supposed to go to. I don't want to bother anyone.

4) I think I've gotten too comfortable in this life of mine. I'm minoring in Peace and Justice and even though I can talk about it until I'm blue in the face, I want to be DOING something. Its easy to feel hopeless when I look at all the issues in the world that need attention. I don't want to be a sympathy note or a check in the mail. I want to be part of a movement for change.

5) Took a drive to see my best friend last weekend. It was about a two hour drive. Alone, on long stretches of colorful roads, I was happy. Seeing her made me even happier.

6) My hands smell like clorox wipes from cleaning our bathroom this afternoon. I like the smell.

7) I feel like I'm fighting to keep my head above water when it comes to the work load this semester. Every challenge is a good one, but I'm starting to feel like I'm burning myself out.

8) Sometimes I contemplate what it would be like to take a vow of silence. I'm tempted to try it.

9) I think asian babies are especially adorable.

10) I may have mentioned this in a previous blog, but I really would like to learn french again. And also to have babies like this one:

Blank Days and Hot Chaos.

I have this idea that everyone in the world is entitled to a Blank Day. It's a day that involves absolutely no plans, no work, no worry, no loneliness. There is nothing to dwell on and nothing to fear. There is only the day itself to do with whatever you please. Whatever makes your heart feel closer to your roots. Your home. A day of deserved rest. A day to simply exist.

Maybe you get one once a week, a month...six months. But everyone should get one. Everyone needs one. And it should happen more than once in a year. Its like a day to press your restart button.

I'm saving up for mine. I'm still in the midst of midterms at this point, but two giant assignments were finished last night and I was in bed by two am. That is a victory. I'm hoping that my Blank Day will be well deserved, whenever I get to take it. There is still lots to do. But life is good. The chaos and the calm. There cannot be one without the other.

I've felt kind of bad lately. Every time I have called home this past week, I've either been complaining or in tears about stress. I always feel guilty, like I'm dumping on my Mom or Dad. I don't mean to. I had the most beautiful night out with my aunts last week and while I was with them it was like I couldn't shut up and I was constantly apologizing. But they just let me talk...which felt so...needed. So necessary. Just like a Blank Day. Sometimes its hard for me to really let go even when I'm around my closest friends. I like to listen to people talk. So when I was sitting there just letting myself download to someone, it felt so good and so safe. And it has always been that way with anyone in my family.

Jesus, I'm a lucky girl.

And the last time I called my Mom in tears, she left me the most perfect voicemail afterward, leaving it for me after I left for work. It had been possibly the shittiest day all semester and I just felt like everything was an absolute mess. She said the most perfect words I didn't even know I needed to hear.

"...you are a shooting star. And if we can remember what stars are made of, its hot chaos. Stars don't shine by sitting quietly in the dark. They are burning activity. So even if it doesn't feel like you are shining right now, you are."

Isn't she beautiful?

So I guess the love I have to pass on today, is just to keep shining.

sometimes I am afraid.

.....that dreaming is as far as I will ever get.

My color today is grey blue.

digging deeper.

Well, today was a double critique day. Projects were due for both my Digital Imaging class and Illustration. I was proud of both pieces, but especially attached to my illustration piece. Both earned good reviews, which I was soooo thankful for.

It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that illustration will no doubt be a giant part of my future career. I have growing passion for many things, drawing, illustrating, baking, children's books...and there is still so much I have yet to try. But it is clear to me now that each of these particular callings that arrive as I keep learning, are all pointing in one direction.

Create. Use your voice.

The power of all that is visual is something that amazes me every day.

After our critiques in Illustration, our professor handed out a short story by Joyce Carol Oates called Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been? extremely unsettling story, with reference to a real life killer.

And our assignment? Create an image to accompany the story.

A little twisted don't you think, Prof? A few people in the class after reading it were begging for a new story. One girl especially had someone close to her with a story eerily familiar to the one of the young girl in Joyce Carol Oates's piece. It was completely understandable that she voiced her strong objections to it.

Our professor was a bit taken aback by the class reaction to the short story but offered up a second alternative. (A very drab one at that.) And I had to really think for a moment. Do I want to create an image representing this dark and sinister story? Or do I take the alternative?

I don't blame anyone in the class for wanting different subject matter. But I felt something shift in me as I made my decision. And maybe that shift comes at different times for different people. But my time came today.

I decided to go through with the original story. I realized as I sat there and thought about how sick and twisted this world can be, that my art has an entirely different dimension I have yet to explore - its darker side. I'm afraid of this assignment because it will ultimately challenge me to go to a darker place that I have not yet come in clear contact with. It will force me to confront the harsh and unsettling realities of the world.

And as frightening as that is, I can't turn it down. I'm terrified and curious at the same time in a way. This is wayyyyy out of my comfort zone. But what facets of my art could I lose by not stepping outside the box?

And these unsettling realities? The rapists, the murders, the wars, the terrorists, the starvation, the poverty, the genocide, the atomic bombs, the horrors of our history?

They. Are. Real.

Art is an examination of life, of humanity, of dream and color and space and emotion.

And as much as I as a person and as an artist, seek the good, the joy and the truth in this life....I cannot ignore the other side of the spectrum. Of the world, or of my own art and expression. There must be balance. I feel as though my life has been sheltered and there are moments when I feel like I've left my rose colored glasses on too long. And these kinds of horrifying stories are uncharted territory. They disturb me.

Well, Hayden...you can't hide forever. It's time to dig deeper.

Everybody's got a big red button.

I had a nightmare that I was flying on the Enola Gay, the B-29 bomber that dropped the atomic bomb over Hiroshima. I could feel the plane humming loudly around me and the knowledge that "Little Boy" was ready to be dropped underneath me made my heart seize in panic. Crew men moved around me like I was invisible and I could feel myself screaming at them to stop. Stop. Please, Stop. STOP!

No one even flinched. And suddenly, the bottom of the plane drops out and the air craft feels sickeningly lighter. And we just keep humming along. And in New York and Washington there are people cheering in the streets, "The War is Over," and Harry Truman cuts a celebratory cake in the shape of a mushroom cloud. Smiling, smiling. Smiling over the United States and "our greatest scientific accomplishment."

I woke up from that nap this afternoon only half rested. Earlier this morning in my Peace and Justice class, we watched a film inspired by Thomas Merton's poem entitled The Original Child. We were only shown about 45 minutes of it, but I'm still reeling. I'm heart broken and angry and afraid and angry again all at once. I feel almost traumatized. The film was incredibly intense and graphic and I understand the reasons why it wasn't shown in high school or even freshmen year in college. I sat in a dark room full of students watching this and was having a hard time trying to keep myself together.

Accounts of those who witnessed the chaos were enough to rip my heart out. "Both side of the street were on fire. A little girl was crying in the street, her leg trapped underneath a fallen tree. "I'm burning, I'm burning!" she was screaming. But no one could help her, everyone was running away. I looked to see a woman beside her saying, 'forgive me, forgive me...' as she turned her back on the girl and ran."

That was just one of thousands of stories. Some of which I heard today. Stories I don't think I will ever forget.

Five minutes before the end of class, the lights come up and Professor Bochen says, "So...reactions?"

Reactions? Reactions? Disgust. Pure disgust. Shame. Anger. Shock. Sorrow. Gut wrenching, mother fucking sorrow. And then, even more anger. Everybody knew the stories. We've all taken history class, we've all seen a few pictures. Those events, those atomic bombs are history right?

Wrong. Nuclear warfare is a reality. Its not just history, and its not just a possible future threat. We are not living in some kind of delusional, safe gap in between the past and the future. It is now. It is here. And this generation cannot ignore it. Because it seems to me, that everybody in the world has a big red nuclear button waiting to be pushed. It didn't just end after Nagasaki. There have been over 1024 nuclear tests within the United States. Some have even gone undocumented due to the loss of US military men exposed to the blasts.

Read a school history textbook and you will read a series of deceptions. United States government....Masters of disguise.

I walked back to my room from class, unable to really feel anything but depression and anger. The sound of a plane flying above had an eerie familiarity with the sound of a falling missile. And for a moment I was paranoid. What if this was it? What if this moment is all that is left? We breath, we live, and then suddenly we are dust. What's stopping them? Whoever THEY may be.

Like I said...everybody's got a big red button.

War is senseless. Media is manipulation. Love is the only truth.

Seek Truth. Know your Rights. Demand Peace.

Because Yes, this concerns you. Yes, this is our world. and Yes, it matters.

little things.

I thought about it when I woke up this morning and I rolled out of bed. Just these little things. After a night of dreaming I woke up and felt hyper aware of all of these little pieces of good in my life. Things that make me smile that I don't always take the time to stop and recognize. Like the way you find your pillow has left sleep lines all over your cheeks and nose after a good night's sleep. Its like a new piece of artwork every morning.

Or how the condensation from your mouth and nose leave designs on the top of your portable coffee mug. Damn that is pretty.

Yesterday - nope, scratch that - this week has been one of the most insane thus far. And it's not even close to being over. And as I pound my way through readings on Gandhi, King, Gibran and Day, memorize my way through nutritional values, and try to retain some of my creative thought...I keep forgetting to look upward.

Why are we always looking down? I catch myself doing it all the time. Looking down as I walk, or even when I talk to people, when I'm absorbed in a computer screen or trying to make myself disappear when a beautiful boy walks by. People in general I have noticed, have a hard time really looking at each other. No hello's in the hallways, or small gestures of greeting. Eye contact is a privilege these days it seems.

So today I am really trying to look up and around, to see people, to see things. To take notice. To be awake. I miss so much when I just let myself go through the motions of the everyday....when really, the everyday holds some of the most beautiful things I often forget to notice.

Like how awesome the post-it note can be when leaving yourself reminders. Or how various colored high lighters can make reading dry text wayyy too much fun. Or how people make the most insane faces when they yawn.

And what about people themselves? The curve of a lip or that dip right under their nose. Eye brows in general are curious things. Or how about the way they laugh or scowl or cry or curse?

and fuck, if it isn't fun to hear people curse. (Note: people with accents always make the word fuck interesting...sounds more like "fook" or "feck"...both excellent choices. )

Today I am looking at people, at world, at sky, and even myself. I put on my chuck taylors today after neglecting them for a summer of flip flops and they feel like home to me.

The color of the day is olive green.

(yesterday was eggplant purple.)

Be awake.

lately

College is all I could ever hope for it to be. I don't think I have ever appreciated education as much as I do right now. Middle School was dumb, High school was absolutely lame...

But college really is the best time of your life.

Every day I feel closer and closer to the woman I want to be. The artist I want to be, the free thinker I want to be.

This semester is definitely a challenging one but this far in, some of these classes are proving to my favorites.

The first is my illustration class. Illustration was my original, general direction. It was something that felt up in the clouds to me, but I was on my way up. And now, it feels like I've gotten a good hold on on it and I'm wrestling it back down to the ground with me, enjoying the view all the way back to earth. I'm working for my future and loving every single fucking second of it. There is nothing better than looking down at your desk, littered with the beginnings of ideas, paper and ink and color, images and stories and just having a moment. A moment where all you can think is....this is what I want my life to be.

I've never felt more sure or more excited about my art than I am right now. Knowing that I have miles to go doesn't make me feel discouraged at all. I'm welcoming the journey and I'm excited for every step.

It sounds lame but I feel like the other thing stirring my creativity pot is my Peace and Justice class. Things and ideals I am passionate about are becoming clearer to me and they fuel my direction. What do I want to say? What is my message to the world? How does my art become a tool for my voice as someone who is passionate about the works of peace?

So many questions. I don't know all the answers yet, but the search is really becoming one hell of a ride.

This life is beautiful. Never forget.

balance

Saturday Saturday Saturday. Move in day.

Back to school. The general response to this statement is usually a lot bitching and moaning, but I can tell you right now, I'm absolutely ecstatic to be headed back. Will I be prostrate to my higher education for yet another year? Yes.

Does that bother me? Hell no. There is no place I would rather be. How lucky am I? That I am completely in love with school?

Today was a happy day, a productive day. And it probably would not have been quite so happy or quite so productive without my lovely room mate Sam. She helped me shop and never once got impatient with my indecision or my compulsive singing in the car. The girl is a gift from God, plain and simple.

We were both so excited today as we checked out our new dorms and shopped for college shit. We bought a fridge. How freaking cool are we? You know, I've set a lot of goals for myself this semester and sometimes I'm afraid I won't be able to pull it all off. But every time I start to doubt myself or feel afraid Sam is always there lifting me up and encouraging me, making me feel like everything I have set out to do is possible. Reminding me of my self worth. Talking to her has kept me sane and happy and inspired. If I could just put her in my pocket and carry her around with me everyday, I so would.

After a busy day of shopping and laughing and talking, I came home and just collapsed in front of the fan. Mom and Dad and Mags came home from a dinner by the lake and we talked about our days. My parents were impressed that I was taking care of everything myself. They were proud of me. I was proud of me. There really is nothing more satisfying than being self sufficient. Even though I know I can't fly completely solo financially just yet, I know that it isn't too far away.

My mom knows it too. I could see in her eyes as she talked to me tonight that it was a bittersweet thing. She told me she saw something change in me since freshman year at college. Like I had become someone who couldn't be held back anymore.

I love that she sees that in me. I hope others can see that in me too. That they can see how unstoppable I feel right now. As long as I remember to take the good with the bad and find the balance in life, she's right. I can't be held back. Not anymore.

And it feels wonderful :)

I'll wake up tomorrow and wonder why I even published this.

It's late. And once again, I can't sleep. I can't shut my brain off. I'm in a strange mood. Its reflective and sarcastic, it's lonely and it's weird. And it's wondering why I'm even writing about it when I'm sure half of cyber space doesn't give a flying...

Anyway.

You know, I am a blessed person. I truly am. I have an amazing family, amazing friends, I get to go to school and study art, the thing that makes me happiest. I get to choose. I get to walk outside my house without a bomb falling or a tank rolling down the street. I get to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I get to go to a steady job and receive a steady paycheck. I get to sleep in a bed with clean sheets and pillow cases that smell like shampoo and dryer sheets. I have air conditioning on hot nights and heat when the winter time rolls around. I am loved by the people in my life. And I love them in return.

I am blessed.

And thats why, in moments like these, when I'm up late and I can't shut off my mind, I feel selfish for the loneliness that settles in the pit of my stomach. I feel like an ass. That in the face of all that is good in my life, I have the audacity to wish for more. And yet here I am, feeling guilty and confused and wishing I knew who could fix it. Wondering if he is someone I have already met, or if he is someone I have yet to meet.

Guh. Yuck. I am not a co-dependent person. I don't do "oh-my-god-like-i-so-need-a-man-to-define-me-and-make-me-feel-valued-and-worthwhile." I just don't. I'm an independent girl. I'm pretty damn good at standing on my own two feet.

I know who I am. I'm not good at asking for help. I don't like onions and I don't like liars. I am happiest when I am creating or doing something productive. I love to laugh more than anything and my favorite sound in the world is good guitar. I listen to Billie Holiday especially when it rains. If no one is around, I will drink from the carton. I'll wear the same jeans two days in a row if i have to...whatever. I get nervous in public bathrooms when I realize EVERYONE can hear me pee. I'm afraid of sharks and drowning but I love boats. I like whiskey. I like tattoos. I like to listen to people's voice when they talk. I like the way hands were made to hold on to each other.

I think I have a pretty damn good handle on who I am and what makes me, me. So feeling like this makes me feel weak and stupid and lame and selfish and guilty and dumb and dumb and lamelamelame.

But if there's one more thing I know about myself, it's that I'm honest. And to be honest...I have been missing what its like to have a boy really care about me.

Recently things have gotten a little frustrating. My ex boyfriend/best friend and I have been hanging out. At first it was like perfect closure. I know I'm not interested in him romantically anymore. But I don't think its the same for him. He's said to me several times now that he still loves me.

Now let me be clear. There is no confusion here for me. There is no..."lets-get-back-together-and-emotionally-cut-each-other-to-pieces-for-no-good-reason-one-more-time." Do I love him? I always will in a way. But I'm not turning around. I'm not back pedaling.

And yet, I find myself leaning towards him again simply because I miss what its like to have someone tell you they love you and want you. I miss being wanted. And so, I've stopped trying to hang out with him. Because I won't be that girl who fucks with his head just because his affection is convenient to play with. I won't do it. I'm not in love with him anymore.

It has taken me over a year to finally come to that realization. It feels amazing. I feel free.

But when that feeling goes away, and its been a YEAR since any boy has shown you any kind of affection that makes you feel beautiful...

you stay up late at night writing ridiculous fucking blogs, sounding like a whining, idiotic, desperate girl who can't function without male attention.

I'm perfectly capable of functioning thank you very much. A man will never be my missing piece, or my other half. I am already complete in just being me, exactly how i was created.

But I can't help but impatiently hope for someone who makes being me...better.

long time no blog

Well I guess once again, I'm over due for an update. And because I have an unexplainable affection for lists, I guess I'll make one now :)

*Biggest, bestest update would have to be the Dave concert I went to with my two friends this past weekend. It was our first official road trip with no parents, no rules, AND alcohol. Awesomeeee. As always....Dave was a musical GOD. And I was left an absolute mess of happiness in his presence.

*School is right around the corner and I cannot freaking wait. I feel like there is still so much to get done. It's like time is moving too fast and too slow all at once. I have to start getting organized and making lists haha. Things I need, things I have, things I can't forget.

*You know...its totally pathetic, but I ALWAYS find myself watching trash tv when I'm up too late at night. I mean seriously.....? Daisy of Love? SERIOUSLY? Oh yeah. I've sunk to an all time low.

*The next tattoo is in the works in my sketchbook as we speak. :)

*Working at a pizzeria has proved to be a lot of fun. Of course it comes with its bitches...but I've also met some really cool people. I actually like work. (I don't like getting up in the morning for it.....but once I'm there its all good.)

*I didn't know what a pizza roll was until I started my new job. Sounds gross...but it is soooooooo delicious.

*I miss kissing. I don't mind being single, but I miss kissing.

*I need to find more ways to make money. Cuz even though I'm working 32 hours a week, I still feel like I'm not seeing the results. AND I'M A PENNY PINCHER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I'm as cheap and frugal as they come! Especially for an 18 year old girl. I think I have to just stop caring so much about it. It's just going to make me crazy. I'm pretty low maintenance, I don't need material things to be happy. I haven't shopped for myself in a lonnng time. My Dave trip was a big gift to myself. I think I need to find a balance. It's just hard.

*I miss Fall. I want cold back. I think cold weather is just better. It makes people hold on to each other tighter. The world needs a little more of that.

*I need to clean my room.

*Drunk dialing/texting the ex boyfriend is always a bad idea. Especially if your most intelligent statement is "My teeth are dizzy."

Later my lovers <3

scatter brained update...

*The new Dave Matthews CD is fucking phenomenal and you should all go out and buy it.

*I thoroughly enjoy having a paycheck.

*I also thoroughly enjoy having a sweet ass car to go and do nothing with.  

*I finally got the closure I was looking for with my ex.  We hung out and finally got back to being best friends.  It IS possible to be friends again.  And I am so thankful.  

*I've been finding time lately to doodle again and it feels so good.

*I have been trying hard to eat healthy along with my work out thing.  But God I love ice cream.  

*I miss my Dad. He's in Haiti at the moment helping work on a clinic in Bourne.  I worry about him.  But he comes home tomorrow!!!!!

*I'm pale.  Between work and home I miss the good sunning hours.  I've gotta stop the whole pasty white irish chick them I have going.  

*I want more tattoos.  Big ones.

*I'm pissed because I had to take out my nose ring for work and now its all closed up.  I really like it.  I'm so bummed.

There is nothing better in the whole world than riding on the highway with the windows down and the music up.  Cliche?  Yes.  True? Absolutely.

Summer time againnnn

It's weird to think that I started this blog almost a year ago.  Weird.

Well it's summer again and the world just keeps on turning.  Work at the pizza shop has been pretty decent.  I like this job loaaaddds more than my old one.  And the people are pretty amazing too.  They are just my kind of people.  For instance....first day on the job I start working next to this kid Jason who is a total hippie. We start chopping up tomatoes and everybody is just getting to know me a little and he says...

"So.  Hayden.  What's your favorite dinosaur?"

Insta-friends.

It's embarrassing to say, but over the past couple weeks, I sortofkindamaybe formed a small crush on my boss Jordan.  Gah.  Stupid me.  We had fun, he was really cool to talk to and he flirted back.  I go to a school where there are more squirrels then straight men so the male attention was kind of just...nice.  Well, he ended up getting transferred to another store, so he's never around anymore.  Which is cool I guess.  Although work is significantly more boring.  It wasn't a big huge deal and I don't really care too much about it.  But it's all good because basically what I needed was some dude attention to remind me that I'm not as invisible as I feel some times.  And it was nice to have someone else in my head rather than the ex....who is constantly yanking me around on a string.  Whatever.

In other news...I started this 90 day work out thing and holy balls is it hard.  This trainer is a nazi.  Its so easy to get discouraged but I just have to remind myself thats its only 90 days and it will totally be worth it when I'm done.  I just want to be a good shape you know?  I'm in decent shape now, but I just want to take better care of myself....and maybe not cry in a dressing room trying on bathing suits.  Hahaa.

Oh!!!!!!! And I finally got my first car :)  She's pretty.  Green.  Subaru. Beautious.  It is so nice to have my own transportation.  I mean, I'm working extra hard to make car payments and manage gas, but its all good.  So worth it.

This summer is much busier and crazier than I thought it would be, but the busy is good.  Its all good.  And to top off this fantastic June afternoon....the new Dave Matthews Band album is out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

peace, love and sunshine,

Hayd

I wish

I wish I could speak like I knew what I was talking about.  Speak like I knew myself.  Some people just have this gift.  The transition between brain, heart and voice is so smooth for them.  I watch def jam poetry because I am absolutely fascinated with expression in this pure, confident, vocal form.  I wish I had that.

Maybe I could write it.  But I envy the ease with which these poets just lay out their truths with their voices, without glancing at paper.  I can't take my eyes away from them.  I'm entranced by the tenor of their voice, or the inflections and rhythms, the shape of their mouths.  

I wish I could do that.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gaUm_7-lLo&feature=related

Beautiful.

"Art is not the Answer, Art is the Search."

Create, create, create.  Dream, dream, dream.

Right now I'm in my eastern religion class, listening to an ancient looking Chinese man with a missing front tooth talk about dumplings.  And all I can think about is how badly I want dumplings.  And then my next thought is how much food affects my thinking.  Then after that i think about the cake a want to bake for my sister's birthday.  Then I think about cakes in general...cupcakes, cheesecakes, layered cakes, dessert tiers.......party town.  

This past week my head has been full of ideas.  (Not just food related hahahaaa.)  But in general.  I have about eighty art projects going in my head and this week I've gone through post it notes like a crazy person, trying to get them all down before I lose them.  Never been more ready for summer.  Ready for time to do my own projects.

There two weeks left of the final semester.  I've got three big art assignments due, a math final, an italian final and a religion final.  I'm trying to keep my focus but like I said...my head is filled to the brim.  On top of that, I'm in the middle of setting up a summer job at a bakery in the city.  I love down town.  Its the perfect place to be in the summer.  So many shops, you can walk everywhere, live music...its beautiful.  I'm crossing my fingers, hoping the job will work out.  The other stress added to this heaping plate is that I need a car.  Badly.  Its not out of want anymore, I NEED a set of wheels to be able to get around and get to work.  Its a big deal.  I'm trying to make the right choices, the smart choices.  

Yesterday I was worried about it and I probably will be again later.  But for right now, I'm just happy to be almost finished with school.  And I am STILL thinking about dumplings.

:D peace and love

whoa. whoa. whoa.

I am so so so lost.  Dreams that I thought had taken a back burner are now bubbling up to the fore front of my mind this week.  There are so many things I want to be.  So many things I want to do.  And now I feel like I'm faltering in my focus.  I don't know where to put all my effort when I'm passionate about a few different things.  

Especially this year, I have really gotten into baking.  Every time I'm home, it's all I seem to do.  Its comfort to me.  Its home.  I had never realized how much i loved it until this year.  I was watching some food network show I don't even remember... and just thinking to myself...I could totally do this.  I'm completely drawn to cake artistry, to fondant art, to gumpaste flowers and crazy cake designs...to little pastries, to home made cookies, to cup cakes and cheesecakes and dessert tiers and cake boxes and corner bakeries.  I want to do it.  I want to own that little place where kids will press their noses to the window and look inside at amazing cakes and cookies and just want to be inside to smell the air.  I want to design cake boxes and desserts and tie up paper packages with string and sell wedding cakes to lovers.  I want to DO IT.  

Now, this passion is true, and real and new and terrifying.  And even as it is starting to get me completely absorbed...my other dreams haven't died.  I still want to write and illustrate childrens books.  That is still a huge thing for me.  Looking at my future, it is possible to do both.  To own a bakery of my own, to have a job that is still a total art form and then to be able to come home and work on my books.  I could do it.  I could SO do it.

The trouble now, is how to make it happen.  I want to keep taking art classes at Naz and see how the illustration program works.  But I also want to attend pastry school - so I really know what I'm doing.  So I'm trained and prepared to do well for myself.  So many questions.  And I know I have so much time to decide but, I'm afraid.  I feel like I'm losing time.  I wish there was a way to do both at the same time.  Meanwhile, this summer, I'm hoping for a job at the local bakery down the street.  Hoping it will give me  a taste as to where I'm headed.  Maybe affirm my new direction. 

So in essence, I'm just impatient as hell.  But I guess the general plan right now is...

*Keep it up in the illustration department in Naz.  And start taking some business classes on the side.

*Get the bakery job and work there this summer.  If I hate it, then I'll know its not meant to be.  But if it inspires me and continues to give me new ideas about my own future business...then start thinking about pastry schools.  

*I have a lot of transfer credits from high school - enough to knock out a whole year @ college.  If there is any chance I can graduate early, I'm doing it.  I'll take summer courses if I need too.  And instead of grad school, I'll go to pastry school.  

*Hopefully, if I keep working on my books on the side and get one published, I can use the money to pay for pastry school or for starting up my own place.  

Everything about this is so "wait-and-see."  I HATE wait-and-see.  Hate it.  But at the same time I'm excited.  I just have to keep my focus.  And it is going to be extremely hard.   I just feel frustrated and overwhelmed and overjoyed that I have these choices.  I just can't wait for my life to really start moving.

thought vomit for today.

*When my religion teacher speaks, I want to hug her.  Dr. Zhang has the thickest chinese accent I have ever heard and the most adorable round, happy cheeks on the planet.  Sometimes the kids in my class laugh at her when she struggles with her english and she gets all red and embarrassed.  I just want to hug her and tell it's okay.

*Speaking of religion class, the blue eyed boy who sits in front of me is passed out cold.  And he is soooooooooooo damn cute.  And would probably never speak to me unless he had to.  

*I would like nothing more than a cup of yogi tea, a good book and a down comforter.  Along with hours of time to read/sleep away.

*Every where I have been in the last couple weeks has inspired me to make something new, to draw or create something worth while, something that inspires ME.  Don't get me wrong, I adore art school, but the thing is, until now, art has never felt like work.  The current project is making me feel this way.  I can't wait to be done with it and start a new one.  I'm anxious for summer, for the time to work on my own projects.  

*This weekend I go home for spring break.  The first two nights I'm home, I am going to my little sister's school play at my old high school.  What that entails, is plenty of time with the hometown friends.  That should have me excited.  Why am I dreading it with my entire being?

*I'm buying Dave Matthews tickets this weekend.  When I think of that, nothing can TOUCH my happiness.

*I have been doing a lot of yoga lately.  I'm a lot stretchier than I ever thought I was.  

*Even on days when I feel completely happy with my work, with my social life, with everything.... I look in the mirror and want to change what I see.  My self image should never tear my mood down, but God it does.  

*i love pineapple.

roots

This past week has just been one of those...blehhhh weeks.  I couldn't find much motivation and I did the bare minimum when it came to work.  I just felt detached and unproductive - uninspired.  Just part of the never ending roller coaster I guess.  

But when the week ended, Maggie came to visit and I spent some time with the family.  And I just feel so much better.  I realized that when I feel like I'm just kind of out on a limb, alone, and kind of stuck in neutral...going back to my roots brings me back to myself.  Realigns me.  So much so that this morning I actually woke up early, took my time, took a shower, ate a good breakfast and went on my way to class feeling refreshed and new.  Its like taking a deep breath and starting over, getting rid of all of my self doubt, my exhaustion, my creative drought.  It feels good.

It's so damn easy to get down on myself when I get like I was last week.  Things that stemmed from lack of motivation end up moving into stress level, body image...blah blah blah.  I know I am a beautiful person.  I just want to live like I have never doubted that.

Peace 

joyful girl

"i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because its the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it because i want to

i want to

everything i do is judged

and they mostly get it wrong

but oh well

'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged

and the woman who lives there can tell

the truth from the stuff that they say

and she looks me in the eyes

and says would you prefer the easy way?

no, well ok then

don't cry

i wonder if everything i do 

i do instead

of something I want to do more

the question fills my head

i know theres no grand plan here

this is just the way it goes

when everything else seems unclear

i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because its the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it just because i want to

because i want to."

~Ani DiFranco

don't burn the day awayyy

I can't believe that next week is midterms.  Holy hell.  This semester is flying by.  We get tomorrow off and I swear I am going to make this three day weekend last.  I want nothing more than to be home, to be with my family and just relax for once.  In between my old job, my new job and the giant amount of work for school...I'm starting to feel the effects.

In better news, there is a very good chance that this summer I could be going to THREE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND CONCERTS!!!!!!!!!!!!  Two of them are for sure, the third is a maybe, but I'm hoping it will happen.  It would be HEAVEN.

I love Dave so much.  I mean...Dear God.  He can't be topped.  The first time I saw him in concert, there was an opener band that took like an hour and all I could think was...."opening band?  WHO THE FUCK OPENS UP FOR DAVE FREAKING MATTHEWS??!!"  It just didn't make sense to me at all.

Look at this picture.  I mean...come on.  He's a musical beast.

So...definitely something to look forward to.  So stoked.

thank you.

So this morning I listened to my drawing professor Maureen's lecture on art...it's purpose, its use...basically why we do what we do.  I left feeling like all the bits and pieces of conjectures I had previously had about art, had been affirmed by someone I deeply respect and it was just an amazing feeling.  She said, "Dedicate your life to the pursuit of happiness.  For you, for others.  If you can live a fulfilled, happy life, then your very presence on earth has been enough."

I almost wanted to cry.  It was like someone had finally articulated perfectly what I have struggled to verbalize for so long.  Struggled to understand for so long.  I feel like I'm moving in the right direction again.

<3

in recent news...

*I know everyone had probably heard this quote before, "Not all those who wander are lost."  Well I'm finding it to be especially true recently.  I feel like SO much is going on around me.  I feel like I'm working so hard and not always seeing the results I want.  I'm doing really well in school, but that fact is...I'm stuck in the grunt work phase.  Fundamentals are being drilled into my head when all I really want to do is start my concentration studies.  I'm having trouble being patient.  Its a constant struggle, but the fight I actually look forward too.  So even though I may feel like I'm wandering around trying to get my bearings and keep my head together, I know I'm meant to be here.  I know that this is where I belong and that there are bigger plans for me.   I just have to stay focused and I have to take one thing at a time.  Its hard.  I guess this is when you know you're a grown up. 

*I miss my family a lot.  Its strange.  Its not severe homesickness, its just a need to know that someone is still rooting for you when you come home after working crazy hours in a studio, then going to two part time jobs, then doing homework and realizing you forgot to eat again.  Its finally being able to sit down and then realize all you really want is your mom to hug you and take care of you like you were a ten year old again.

*I have been having the strangest dreams lately.  I mean really really bizarre.  I can't remember half of them but I always wake up freaked out and a little disturbed.  They are borderline nightmares but not to the extent where I wake up crying.  I just wake up and find myself very glad to be conscious.  Weird.

*I think I'm doomed when it comes to boys.  I just don't get it anymore.  The ex is confusing as hell and pissing me off to no end.  He wrote me a poem.  And it was fucking beautiful.  BEAUTIFUL.  But why does he insist on doing this?  Yanking me around like this.  Is he BORED?  Is he horny?  What?  I don't get it.  And frankly, I'm sick of being played with.  As sweet as that poem was, this boy had been and probably always will be...all talk and no action. He could say he loves me and then not talk to me for two weeks.  Because thats what he does.  What he always did.  He could spout sonnets all day long, but in the end, he is just a lazy ass, lousy excuse for a boyfriend.  He could write a long term relationship, but he couldn't bother putting in ANY effort to actually having one.  I'm not going back to that.  I'm not.  It doesn't help though, that there are NO guys around here.  But I'd rather be alone than be in a one sided relationship.

*I love my yoga class.  Even though its late at night and its the tail end of my busiest day AND I complain that I dont want to go....as soon as we start, I feel so much better.  My body feels AMAZING afterwards.  Like every muscle has just been to a day spa.  I usually have a lot of back issues from working at the studio and by the time I finish the hour and a half of yoga...I'm golden again.  Fixed.  Its magical.

*Valentines day is coming up.  Hate it.  And NOT because I'm single.  I hated it when I was dating too.  Too much pink.  Too much fluff.  Too much ridiculous commercialism.  Not enough booze.  My room mate and I are fixing that problem Feb 14th.  Parrtaaayyyy.

*I've been listening to Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Lena Horne, Ella Fitzgerald...you name it...over and over again.  I love the sound of old jazz classics like that.  It makes me happy.  It makes me feel love.

*I tried someone's home made plum moonshine.  And it tastes awful.  Never, ever again.

perspective.

Ugh.

I am just having one of those weeks.  The kind where everything piles on top of you at once.  Throw hormones into the mix and it makes you a miserable person when you really don't want to be.  I feel like my brain can hardly hold what it needs to.  What it wants to.  

Need to:

*finish my 3D assignment

*spend a few hours in the studio working on my pastel

*study for italian

*Read for religion

*Work on a giant math project

*go to a second job interview

*save more money

*be skinnier.

Want to:

*Sleep more

*Work on illustrations for Jessica's children's book.  (she found an interested publisher!)

*get my vender's license so I can do my henna tattoos as a side job over the summer.

*be prettier.

*Go to the movies and have a social life.

*play with my dog

*go to a party 

It feels like a lot to handle.  When I feel like I can't possibly do it all, I think of our new president.  If he can even attempt to fix a country....I think I can manage to do my homework.

Trying to keep everything in perspective.  Deep cleansing breaths.  

Inauguration 2009

Thank you GOD for professors that let students out early to go watch history unfold.

I can't even put into words how I feel about everything I saw today.

I can't even try.  But I couldn't NOT blog on a day like today.

Look how beautiful they are.  

So much hope.  Just SO much hope.  <3

clean slate

So, here I am, back at school again and SO happy to be in my bed under a million blankets. The new semester started up yesterday. I know that it just might kick my ass, but I'm excited either way. I'm excited to be busy again and to just jump into things. I missed my room mate, I missed the dorms, I even missed the shitty dining hall food...which is definitely not so shitty anymore. The school hired a new dining service and we have been eating like Queens.

I'm feeling good about things. The new year alway has this "clean-slate" effect on me. 2008 was by far the most amazing year of my life as of yet...and I want to make 2009 even better. There is a lot of work ahead of me though, whether its school work or its finding a full time job for the summer...I know there are going to be issues but right now I'm trying to just stay positive about it.

I'm also feeling good about all the beautiful boys who seem to keep coming out of the wood work recently. Sam and I have the same horoscope and she read it to me the other day. Apparently this is the year for romance if you're a Scorpio. Well...cross your fingers I guess hahaa.

Till next time...<3