Random Things I Have Realized About Myself.

* I have a deep love for kettle corn.

* Whenever I go to Bed Bath and Beyond or JC Pennies and I see those fake little bed set ups - I immediately feel like taking a nap.

*  Some people have dyslexia with words, I have it with numbers.

*  I enjoy people - watching.

*  Everytime I see something out of the ordinary, I immediately think about how I can put it in a children's book.

*  I feel guilty after every time I eat.

*  I hate money, but I wish I had more of it.

*  I want to get my nose pierced, but I'm too chicken.  Tattoo me I'm fine...piercings...not so much.

*  I am afraid sometimes that dreaming is about as far as I'll get in life.

*  If I could be any animal in the world, I would be a panda.  

*  I have no religion.  Not really.  When people ask I dont know how to answer. I think next time some one asks me, I will just say Love.

*  Sometimes I think about living over seas for a few years without telling anyone but my Mom and Dad.  

*  I like the smell of fall and campfires more than anything else.

*  I have a freckle on my left butt cheek.

*  The only time I feel completely at peace with the world is when I'm on a boat.

*  I also have an obsession with scarves. I love them, I have tons of them, and I always want more.

*  I cant dance without giggling the whole time.

*  I'm really fond of doing laundry?

*  Every time I see a blank wall on a public bathroom stall, I have to write on it.

And The World Spins Madly On

I would like to tell you what my brain is doing right now.  but this is about all I can come up with.  

Lists.

So, I really do think I have seasonal insomnia.  I can stay up for hours on end even when I am completely exhausted.  Then I wake up at 12:30 and get pissed at how much of the day I have lost.  I feel like there are so many things I need to remember right now.  I literally have to make lists of everything. One list for things I need to get done, one list for things I have left to get before college, one list of forms I need to fill out before college, another list of grants and scholarships to apply for, another one for things I need before vacation in two weeks, another list of clothes, toiletries, cleaning supplies and rubbermaids and just an all around inventory of the things I already have done.  

Holy mother.

As much as I feel a taaaddd overwhelmed by it, these things just make me feel more excited, and more independent, and more satisfied with myself when I get some of these things done.  Today I tackled a big one on the list - transferring music onto my macbook from the desk top.  The desktop takes foreverrrrr to burn cds.  its ridiculous.  But I have to get as much music on my ipod and my mac before I leave.  It was kind of a bigger project than I expected, but it was fun to listen to all this old music I hadn't heard in a long time.  

Yesterday I got my official housing letter!!!! So Sam and I are now officially roomies.  We requested each other initially but we didn't know for sure what would happen because nothing was guaranteed.  Everything else has been going fairly smooth with the whole Nazareth transition, I was afraid there would be some catch and Sam and I would get split up, but luckily, it worked out in our favor yet again.  :)  I was relieved and so happy to get the letter in my hands along with my own mailbox number and such.  I feel like such a grown up haha.

I guess its weird that I am surprised that things are going so well with this whole college situation so far.  But then I look back on my high school years and realized that I deserve the good stuff thats coming my way for all the shit I put up with at OHS.  I was talking to my mom the other day and just having a conversation about college versus high school.  I realized that I compromised myself a lot in high school because even though I felt like I was more mature than most of the people around me, I allowed them to take advantage of me and I held back a lot.  I'm excited for college mostly because I am so focused on what I want to do and who I want to be, and because I have learned from high school, I know now that compromising myself is the last thing I want to do.  Its time to be a little selfish and fight for the things I want.  I was way too passive in high school and I probably missed a few really good opportunities because I was busy letting someone else take over.  Good thing I've learned, because these next four years determine the rest of my career.  No room for compromising myself and my abilities.  Oh heyyy!  I DO have a backbone!  :P

Well I'm off to burn more cds and listen to music and tackle more lists.  lists lists lists.  Wish me luck : /

Thought Vomit.

When I can't write, and I really want to, I make a list of everything that pops into my head at the time.  I call it thought vomit.  Whenever I imagine someone reading it, I picture them asking the nearest person if there is any chance I am on crack.  Just for the record I'm not...today.  hhahahaa

*Do you ever feel like you are insanely busy with things to do and then find yourself sitting on your couch - realizing that all that busy craziness is really just in your head?  Thats me.  Right now.  On my couch.  Trying to organize shit in my head.  Just when I feel like i've sorted things out, I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm forgetting something important and I cant figure it out what it is.  oh well.

* Yesterday I spent a looveelyyy time with my Caitlin.  I love her.  I didnt realize how much I was truly missing her until we actually got to spend time together.  We almost cleared the magazine shelves at Barnes and Nobles and took our stack to a near by table.  We ended up reading cosmopolitans sex tips for shits and giggles and met up with Ally to impart on her our new found wisdom.  

*I really like watching indie films.  I'm not sure many of my friends would be really into it, maybe a few, but mostly I just like how off beat they are and how random they can be.  Even if they suck I watch them.  Because they remind me what real life is like.  I love movies that tell me about life.  Any movies like that...Garden State, Once, Dedication...stuff like that.  Because I get so completely bored with hollywood plots (so predictable) incredibly thin women and heroic men.  I actually get waaaay more excited about REAL people, with real problems, with real unconventional love stories.  Even if the movie is boring to everyone else.

*When I think about eating Mac and Cheese, I get excited, but afterwards I just want to barf.  I ask myself, "why did I just put that in my system?  hello intestines, I forgot you were in there."

*I hate it when people use the word "fag."  It makes me want to kick someone's ass.  I also wish people wouldn't throw around the word "billion".  I read this thing about it online. A billion minutes ago, it was 1970, a billion seconds ago, Jesus was alive.  Politicians throw this word around like its nothing.  

*I want to write a childrens book more than anything in the world.  Always have.

*This Wednesday  I get to take my god-son out to the movies for a little day trip.  Him and his sister are probably the most adorable, perfect, intelligent kids in the world.  They eat organic, they are vegetarian, their momma does yoga and home schools them. And they are the most humble and beautiful family I have ever met.  I am so excited.

*In a few weeks, I will be on a boat, on Lake Hartwell, GA.  I'm leaving my cell phone and my laptop at home.  A whole week with no contact, no news, no media.  Just me and the family, down by the cottage in hot southern weather, gettin my glow on.  (translation: burning like the irish girl I am.)

*I watched the second Step Up Movie.  I really really didnt want to.  I thought it was going to bomb really bad, but all it really did....was make me wish I was black.

*Jesus was totally a liberal.

My Brain and the Money Monster.

I need to stop waking up at noon.  This morning - er - afternoon...I woke up with this total feeling of uselessness.  Half of the day had been wasted and yet I could do absolutely nothing to will myself out of bed.  So when I finally did get my ass up, I felt lousy and tired anyway.  I kind of wandered around for a bit, not knowing what to do with myself.  There were dishes waiting for me in the kitchen sink, a sketchpad that has been missing me and my attention for about a week, and little old me - with no attention span or any motivation to do a damn thing.

I decided i'd take a shower and just wake the hell up and DO something with my life today.  But I didn't end up doing much. (Besides those damn dishes.)  I was already feeling pretty crappy about my non-productive day, when the tuition bill arrived from Nazareth.  Oh my Jesus.  My heart sunk to the freaking floor.  I thought I was going to cry.  Cry for me, cry harder for my parents, cry for the kitchen my mom will never get finished, cry for all the things my parents are letting go of, cry for the debt that will plague them and myself for the rest of our LIVES.

My mom went over the bill with me, and we talked about how loans will work out, how I'll be contributing, how forms needed to be filled out.  I just had this completely torn feeling.  Part of me felt awful - I mean how can I do this to my parents?  They DESERVE a new kitchen, they DESERVE a new work van, a studio, they DESERVE A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING VACATION FOR THEIR 25th ANNIVERSARY.  But then poof. One little bill in the mail and its all gone.  And its all because of me.  The other part of me feels like I shouldnt let myself and my education be compromised by all these money issues. That these next few years will be worth every cent.  But my brain can't let go of what its doing to my family and our bank accounts.  I feel.....selfish.

I walked into the kitchen, where my mom was standing, taking some advil and wearing a look of pure exhaustion.  She looked at me and said, "dont even think about letting this make you feel guilty.  Other families do this, we can do it too.  Instead of feeling guilty, just use it to motivate you.  Everything you do now - EVERYTHING, counts.  These next four years are the beginning of the rest of your life.  Dont take it for granted."  I needed her to say that to me.  I needed it to come from her more than anyone.  We laughed as she popped the cork off a wine bottle on the counter and took a lonnnggg swig.  Then she hugged me and said, "I'm so excited for you, kid."  Well break my heart and sew it back together.  I went online and started looking up how to budget better, guides to handling student loans, scholarships...just doing a little research.  Ask any one of my friends - i'm a penny pincher already - but you ain't seen nothin yet.

I ended the day talking to my two favorite people and just getting my mind of this huge money monster playing around obnoxiously in the back of my brain.  Thank god for Sam and Kelan.  I don't know how I would manage without them.  If the world had more Kelans and Sams, it would be a significantly better place.  So tomorrow brings college finances and paperwork up the ying yang.  I have to keep telling myself I deserve this.  I have to keep telling myself that once I publish my first childrens book, I will build my parents their dream house and send them on a vacation to wherever they want.  I have to keep telling myself there is always a way.

The Best of Times With The Best of People

So yesterday was THE most PERFECT day of the summer.  Perfect.  I cant even explain it.  I got up at the ASS CRACK of dawn and packed up the car with all the goods - cooler full of drinks, a box full of road snacks, blankets, towels, plastic bags, extra clothes...blah blah blah.  I ran to an ATM and filled my mom's car with gas.  After an unplanned trip back home to kill some time and apply some forgotten make up, I was on the road to Kelan's.  Who came complete with tuxedo shirt, orange swim trunks, a mix of dirty music, and no underwear. Hahahahaa....what would I be without him?  We drove out to Sam's house (only taking one wrong turn this time) at around 9, just in time to wake her up out of bed.  After a quick coffee run we were on out way to Stony brook.

We went through a series of bitchin mix cds and a stunning rendition of Sam's latest romance novel - (oh you know the one about the racist count and the indian chick) and actually ended up finding an easier route to the park because of her genius.  So it took us half the time we originally expected to get to the park.  Stony brook itself is basically...the best seven dollar water park in New York.  The gorge is so incredibly beautiful and so fun to just spend all day exploring.  Lots of little waterfalls and spots to just chill and swim or climb around.  So when we got there we had a lovely picnic and some of Sam's amazing couscous salad to fuel up for the day.  We practiced our cherry pit blowing skills and listened to part two of the Count and Indian Chick story - HOT.  

Then we hit the trail and spent hours climbing around, taking pictures, laughing our asses off and watching Kelan fearlessly take on slippery rocks.  (You have to give him credit, he fell a few times and landed with his body twisted in ways he couldnt imagine. His poor groin.  But he kept getting up, he braved gigantic spiders, and went down water falls like it was a piece of cake.)  We even saw some baby ducks running away from some bratty kids.  (Kids who Sam promptly scolded and told them to leave the poor babies alone. hahaha go sam)  We had several naked adventures as well hahaha.  "I feel so FREEEEE!"  It was perfect weather, the water was great, the people were fantastic.  It was just the most perfect day - followed by some freaking amazing chicken wings @ BWW. (holy shit goodness.)  Even though I got a little flack at home for being a few minutes late after curfew, my parents were psyched we had a good time too.  

After staying up a little later to clean up the car and the cooler, I finally got myself in a hot shower and off to bed.  I slept like a rock.  Waking up this morning, I can see the sunburn on my face and shoulder, my feet hurt from the rocks and probably the 6 or 7 miles we hiked, but it was so worth it.  It doesn't matter one bit when you spend the best of times with the best of people  :)

Sweet Summer time

So today I woke up promptly at noon.  The most beautiful thought popped into my head...."I have absolutely nothing I have to do today."  

I took my time getting out of bed, went to the kitchen and grabbed a Nutrigrain bar, opened every window in the house and stood in the sunshine for a bit.  I could feel the heat coming through the windows.  Its moments like these when you realize...it is so summer.

I spent yesterday with none other than Rachel Reeves.  We took a trip to Record Archive and bought cds, drove around the city with the windows down and the music up, talked like we hadn't seen each other in years.  I missed her.

Today I was a perfect balance of lazy and productive.  I did dishes, I cleaned a little, did some yoga, and then laid out in the sun.  I usually like cold weather so much better than hot weather, but today for some reason, it was perfectly fine to just sleep in the sun for a while - it was like a steam room...without the steam.  I loved it.

I came inside and sent some emails to my two favorite people - Kelan and Sam.  We're planning our day trip get away to Stonybrook in two days.  I'm so excited I could pee myself.  Tomorrow I work for a bit and then I get to see the other love of my life - Caits.  Going into this summer I thought work was going to consume my social life.  But I'm hanging onto it pretty well as of right now.

Best thing that has happened all day : this guy my mom works with found out about my obsession with Dave Matthews Band and he made me this care package of about 14 cds with all Dave music on it.  But not just ANY dave matthews music - stuff back from like 1993 - music you cant find or buy anymore!  So definitely been listening to it all day and pretending I'm back at Darien Lake scream-singing my lungs out in the pouring rain while Dave rocks out on stage.  

Its been a good one :)

Show Me

<< I'm feeling ready to dive into things.  I just got a ton of shopping done for the dorms this fall (only a month and a half left!)  and I am becoming extremely ecstatic about college.  This whole weekend has been about bed spreads and laundry baskets, clothes hangers and rubbermaid...but I'm realizing thats just the physical stuff.  I mean it is so incredibly nice to have these material things (and to be able to buy them for myself without asking for my parents help,) and get excited about living on my own.  But if I take a step back for a minute, this isn't just me getting ready to move out, it's me getting ready to start my life.  I get to go to school for the one thing that makes me happiest.  I get to learn new things and techniques that will help me improve and create more.  I get to TRAVEL and see places and meet people.  Its the beginning :)

We finished the day with a visit to Chee Burger Chee Burger.  (holy fatness.)  My dad started talking about someone he knew who would order the same thing every where he went - a burger, fries and a coke.  EVERYWHERE.  He would go to a chinese restaurant and thats what he'd order.  It made me realize that I could miss out on so much if I don't keep an open mind and ask questions, see and experience new things and step out of my comfort zone.   I want to see everything.  Show me everything.  I want to know.  Just show me.  Imagine how much better everyone's lives would be if they just asked.  Everything would be so much more interesting and people would be sooooo much smarter.  

I dont know what college is gonna be like.  I dont know what will happen in my art classes.  I dont know how to speak italian or how to drive stick, or how to belly dance or how to play poker.  I dont know how to talk to guys without sounding stupid, I dont know how to make everyone happy.  I'm not sure how to love myself completely or how to talk about politics in a room full of republicans.  I dont know.

Show me.

The Fourth.

I have gotten into the annual summer habit of staying up wayyyy to late and sleeping in for hours.  My body is having trouble adjusting - especially now that my work hours have switched to mornings.  But for some reason, even though I am fully aware that I should be sleeping, there is a part of me that just cant lay down and shut my eyes. I've been staying up drawing lately - which makes me really happy seeing as I have been almost completely void of any creative thought lately.  (I finally got my scanner up and running so as soon as I finish some good sketchs I'll post em on here.)  I think a mixture of exhaustion and half-dreaming has inspired some crazy characters and random doodles that are worthy of space in my sketchbook.  So for now - until I have serious issues (like insomnia??) I'll embrace the night owl in me.  

I finally got my Macbook the other day and I'm absolutely in love with it.  It is only adding to my late night distractions but its worth it.  When we were at the apple store we had this guy come over to help us. He was short, olive colored skin with this curly dark hair and an extremely sweaty upper lip.  You could tell he was brand spanking new.  He had one of those nifty looking apple t-shirts on that said " I could talk about this stuff for hours."  And he did.  He stuttered just a little bit initially (probably cuz my mom was asking him a million questions) but he got into it and ended up talking to the computer more than to us.  It was in between cute and awkward. It was (cawkward.)  I almost wanted to tap him on the shoulder and say, "should I leave you two alone?"  Anywho...the free ipod and printer were a definite plus.  

So today is the fourth of July.  Its turning out to be utterly uneventful thus far.  Which really does not bother me at all.  I'm not super patriotic.  I mean honestly, there are so many times when I am ashamed to be American.  I really admire our troops and sometimes wish I could find that kind of loyalty in myself.  I do try.  The only thing I really love about the fourth of July is the fireworks.  Other than that it is kind of a sad day.  My dad's best friend died today a few years ago in a boating accident.  I can see this kind of bittersweetness in my dad's face when he talks about it.  I think about Justin and his kids every time I hear his song on the radio - "Dont Stop Believin'"  I just saw his daughter Taylor recently and holy shit has she grown up.  I have got to hang out with her more.  

I do love the freedom that we have in America - just looking at it from a female stand point even.  I don't have to cover my face, I can vote, I can own my own property, I am not chained to a household, I am entitled to an education...I'm insanely lucky.  But as for the politics of this country..."Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right of left instead of right and wrong." - Richard Armour.  Couldn't agree more.  Yeah yeah I know I know - I'm a bleeding heart liberal.  But I think that every American whether right or left winged has to agree with that statement.  Anyway...I'm going to enjoy this day and see fireworks and eat food and goof off.  God bless America...

"Politicians are like diapers - both need changing regularly- and for the same reason."

James Freaking McAvoy

Well I just got back from seeing James in his newest movie.  I freaking love him.  Wanted was so incredible.  Not only was he SMOKING hot...the movie kicked major ass.  He is beautiful. He's been my favorite for a while - especially after I saw Becoming Jane.  Other girls like Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp...(both realllly good looking) but my man is James.  What can I say...I love him and his scottish self.  As Kelan would say...Bang me in the face.  I can't say anything else because I'll just ramble.  I want to marry him. And have his little scottish babies.  The End.

Love is a Movement

So. My mom got this tattoo recently (its bitchin.) She got the word LOVE in script across her forearm. Its beautiful. She had been wanting it for a long time. For months she searched for a single word that would some up everything she believed in so she could put it in ink on her body for everyone to see. We helped her out, offered words like peace and truth and understanding. But when we thought about it more we realized that the root of all those beautiful words is love. She says that now whenever she feels anger or hate, she looks at her tattoo and it reminds her that in all things, love should come first. I completely believe in that. I think if everyone tried a little harder to spread love instead of hate, the world could be a better place. Sounds kind of idealistic I know, but its not a lost cause. So Kelan and I have been trying to put love into everything we do. To remember the power of unconditional love is unstoppable. But recent circumstances...and people...can make it so hard to love. So even though love has no limits, I figured at least for those of us trying to follow it while living in a world full of haters - we need some helpful guidelines.

• "Love is a movement...love is a revolution..." -switchfoot. = Trying to put love into everything you do is a revolutionary thing. That kind of unconditional love is like a super power. And the more people that jump on the band wagon, the more powerful it gets. Just by being kind to people and at least putting effort into putting that kind of positive energy in the world - you make a difference - you cause a movement.
• "When you give love, you give life, and you might die tryin'" - dave matthews band. Giving love is definitely not always an easy thing. Cuz lets face it - people are bitches sometimes - there's no way around it. Love can be easy and love can be hard. When its hard, you have to remember giving it is giving life. And personally, I think that is something worth fighting for. So when someone decides that they are gonna make everyone around them miserable...just try to love. Even if you don't see a change in that person at all - someone else saw you try. And bam...you've influenced another lover.
• "People are just people like you..." - regina spektor. Nobody is perfect. There are going to be times when we just don't freaking feel like loving anyone. Don't kick yourself in the ass. We're human. And so is everyone else who may not be lovers like you. Dust yourself off and give your best tomorrow. Love is patient. Love is kind... and Love will understand when your pmsing, bloated, your best friend is being a bitch, and you just don't feel like dealing.
• "Its your godforsaken right to be loved loved loved..." - Jason Mraz. Love yourself. Even when you feel like crap. Just try. You have a right. You were made with love, now give it. And remember when dealing with even the bitchiest of people - they deserve to be loved too.
• "Love was always the goal. And my point every step of the way was that nothing is wrong with love, no matter what flavor it comes in." - Ani DiFranco. Dont judge. Love is love. gay straight, bisexual, inter racial, whatever. Love is Love. Who are we to judge its forms?
• "All you need is love, love is all you need." the Beatles. I think it pretty much sums itself up. Dont you? Makes sense. It really is the root of our existence. Its your cornerstone, your foundation. Sometimes I forget how much I've been keeping inside me and it all comes out in one big gush. Like when I see Kelan or Sam or Kaleigh or anyone I absolutely love and don't see often enough. Don't hesitate to give it. Its the bomb. Speaking of bombs...
• "Lets make a bomb of LOVE and blow it up." - Dave Matthews. Make love not war. Condems are cheaper than guns.
• "Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time." - Ani DiFranco. Don't expect people to love you back. The best kind of love, is the kind you didn't see coming.
  

Basically....Love wins. <3