Kelan Fish and Lima-Bean.

Let me start by saying, I absolutely love to drive.  Ever since I got my license I have lived for long drives and summer nights. So, I was especially excited when Kelan and I got invited to Sam's grad party - (future room mate and love of my LIFE. :)) who lives wayyyy out there in the boonies.  Mom even let me have the nice air conditioned car for the trip which was really cool because the van has no air conditioning.  Which does not fly on days like today.  

So, sitting in this super fly car with my one of my best friends I was feeling super grown up and independent.  But that was brief.  Because of course I got myself lost.  Seriously lost.  Thank god Kelan was in the car with me or I would have been driving for hours with no one to just help me laugh at the whole situation. We turned around, stopped, cussed our lungs out and laughed our heads off.  And eventuallly.....made it to Sam's house.  Who by the way, is probably the most adorable person on earth.  Her friends were so sweet and so funny and dealt with me and my lame jokes and big boobs.  All in all it was a lovely day. I've decided to get lost with Kelan more often :)

"I wish we could open our eyes..."

"...and see in all directions at the same time.  Oh, what a beautiful view...if you were never aware of what was around you."  ~Death Cab For Cutie

This picture is really speaking to me today.  I've been thinking about art, about the world, about life.  Sometimes its too much.  There are these times when I become completely overwhelmed by absolutely everything I thought my brain could handle.  I guess these are the ups and downs of life you know?  The moments when you feel in control and the moments when you feel out of control and then...what the hell you do when you lose it?  

Its so easy to let the world take hold of you.  I mean, I look at the news, I look at the war, I look at the illiterate primate who runs our country, we look at so much suffering.  And then you see the ignorance.  People can be so fucking ignorant.  That ignorance is what makes things seem so unsolvable, so full of despair and just - hopelessness.  And thats when I want to close my eyes, just like this girl in the photo.  I lose faith in the goodness that still exists in the world.  I lose faith in my art.  I become too frustrated to try and make a difference in anything I do because I have come face to face with my own insignificance.  These are the times when I have to really fight to keep my eyes open, to not give up, to not become ignorant, to always be aware no matter how painful it can sometimes feel.  Because without that awareness, the color is gone, the reality is gone, the pieces of life -whether painful or joyful- that have fueled the creativity in me are depleted.  I cannot find the beauty in myself or in what I create without first feeling the rawness of life around me.  Sometimes I feel like I cant handle it.  Those are the times when my sketchbook goes untouched, when my prismacolor case grows this fine layer of dust and loneliness.  But I reach that breaking point, when you feel yourself fill with so many thoughts and emotions all at once - frustration, self doubt, despair, helplessness, anxiousness - until finally I explode.  Sometimes externally, sometimes internally, sometimes out loud, sometimes just physically, but always on paper.

Right now I can feel myself filling with some of these things, as well a mixture of excitement and fear for whatever is coming next.  It was today I truly began to recognize it in myself.  As much as this whole human process of mine can be confusing and mind numbing and even sometimes depressing... I become excited because I can see the end of this creative DROUGHT in sight.  Its that moment when I'm finished losing myself in a piece that  I have been waiting for - waiting for it to come spilling out the top of my head and out through my fingers - when I remember why I need so badly to keep believing in the good of the world and the good in myself.  Its so easy to give up.  I guess thats the true test of a human spirit - how hard you fought to put life into living.

Affirm Life.

I have this addiction... To def poetry jam.  And this poem made me cry:

Affirm Life.

And this one makes me laugh:

Mr Fong is Korean.

i love it :)

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

Well.  I did it.  I graduated.  I finally walked that huge stage...(without tripping or falling might I add.)  The graduation party last Saturday was AWESOME.  Having so many people there, so many people saying "congratulations" or "i'm proud of you," made it all seem more - real.  We ate food, listened to good music, laughed our heads off, and ate some more.  It was a long day, but a happy one.  Thanks to graduation, I am no longer broke. Hahahaaa...I'm not rich but I am certainly not broke.  My family and friends were so generous I was overwhelmed.  I still am.  Money is the biggest source of worry for everybody.  Sharing it - is an extremely gracious thing.  I am so extremely grateful.  

Graduation itself was basically...a long ass ceremony.  It felt wonderful and liberating for about a minute and a half - hearing your name called, walking, shaking hands, grabbing that diploma shaking more hands.  The rest of it was a bunch of waiting.  My favorite teacher did the key note speech.  The speaker before him was obviously more popular and more about the jokes...but Salisbury was his humble self.  I don't think he will ever understand the significance he has had in my life, but I was extremely glad to hear him speak.  I hope I never forget moments like that.  

After like FOUR hours of names being called (yeah yeah...i exaggerate,)  it was finally over.  The family and the tears came along with endless photo ops, but it was a great night.  We went home and made cheeseburgers and talked and watched some strange reality tv show I cant remember.  I was just completely content.  SO happy and relieved and excited and scared and free all at once.  Now my mind is focused on the future.  College is something I can never take for granted.  My parents have worked hard to get me here and I feel like I have found my motivation - not to let any of their work be for granted.  I'm just so EXCITED I could pee myself.  With joy of course.  So these next few weeks bring quests for laptops and used cars, some serious hours at work, bed sheets and dorm stuff...summer time :)  Bring it on. 

Bubblemaker.

I'm in desperate need of time and inspiration.  Things are really picking up around here.  Graduation is next week, the family grad party is tomorrow, work hours should be loading on within the next week, and I've got money on the brain.  How to I get it, how to save it, when to spend it, car-laptop-dormstuff-clothes-supplies-food-friends....  This is why I didn't want to grow up, haha.  

I have so many ideas in my head, so many things I want to get sketched down on paper.  Yet it seems like whenever I have the time, the creativity doesn't flow.  Its major artistic block and its driving me insane.  When I'm busiest is when I have the best ideas, and unfortunately...the least time to hold on to them.  I have the greatest urge to just submerge myself in one beautiful idea.  Soon....soon.  :)

The BEST Night of My Young Life.

Anybody who knows me, knows that my musical GOD is Dave Matthews.  I've gotten through almost my entire life listening to his music.  He brought me through the best and worst of high school, and for my graduation present, I FINALLY got to see the Dave Matthews Band LIVE!!!!  It was the most insane concert I've ever been.  It was so incredible.

The music is so amazing.  The riffs are complex and different every song - yet you can pick his music out instantly.  I love that.  I screamed my lungs out, I danced like a crazy person.  Usually, I'm not a dancer because I get nervous dancing with people around, but it was great cause everyone around us was so stoned and drunk that nobody cared.  We all looked like idiots.

Dave is my hero.  Hands down.  He has been through so much in his life and yet he can bring this incredible music every time and play with such joy.  You can HEAR how happy playing music makes the band even through the radio.  So seeing him LIVE was the most amazing, happy experience of my life thus far.  I'm high on life right now.  Cant you tell? :)

People Can Surprise You

This day has been such a roller coaster.  Its the last official day of school and of course, emotions are running wild, tears and goodbyes and endless yearbook signing.  When the day started I felt a world apart from it all.  This morning my english teacher read the class his senior speech.  He was so close with us and he started to cry as he read it.  Of course the class responded the same way.  But I couldn't cry.  I couldn't feel anything.  I felt almost like I had processed most of the graduation feelings months ago -  I have been so ready to leave.  For the rest of the day I made it through.  No tears.

Then I got home and went online.  For our last english assignment, we were supposed to create a podcast and the new ones were up on the website so I went to check it out.  I found Ally's - my best friend.  She and I have been going through a rough time.  For the last month or so of school, I felt her pushing me away, distancing herself.  It upset me, and my natural reaction was anger.  But I went on line and I listened to the class podcasts, finally coming to hers.  It was entitled - "To My Best Friend."  The stone face I had worn all day shattered to pieces.  She spoke of her worst fears about the future and how they were not about starting over and taking on college, but about not seeing me anymore.  God...I was a faucet.  It changed my attitude completely.  I had spent all this time feeling hurt and angry when I didn't realize that her pushing me away, was part of her defense mechanism.  She thought it would be easier for her if we weren't so close when we both left.

It really taught me that forgiveness is so important.  That there is absolutely no time to waste being angry.  I mean, people always tell you that, but it is especially true when you go through experiences like this.  My eyes are all puffy...damnet!  I was doing so well today!  And I'm pretty sure my period is on the way...so this next week is going to be verrry interesting.  I'll need to go buy excessive amounts of kleenex.  

Above all, there is nothing more sacred to me, than friendship.

Blogtasmic.

So, this is my first official blog. (I enjoy the word blog...as well as blogging, blogger, blog-tastic...etc.)  I guess I should start with a little background - and it goes like this: I need a place to express myself.  I tried writing in a diary and it failed miserably.  I would write and write for about a week straight, suddenly fueled by some inspiration... and then I would forget I even owned one for another month.  There were huge gaps in my entries, and the times I did write, I had to rewind my life for weeks just to get everything down.  It wasn't working.  Then I tried art journals, which I loved but had enough time or scrap paper for.  So here I am.  

High school is almost over and I am getting EXTREMELY excited.  College excites me more than anything right now.  Yet at the same time, being away from family scares me.  Hopefully this blog will come in handy...just in case anyone is missing me :)

"we're living in a den of thieves, rummaging for answer in the pages..."