the last day of 2008

2008 has pretty much been the best year of my life thus far. 

A Few Things I learned in 2008:

*Getting out of high school saved my life.

*I'm smarter than I thought I was.

*I'm stronger than I thought I was.

*I like vodka.

*I can sleep when I'm dead.

*Working hard really really does pay off.

*I'm sooooo lucky to be able to do what I love.

*I have no idea what the future holds for me, but thats ok. I almost like not knowing.

*I Love Lucy re runs make me happy.  thats good tv.

*Letting go is an art form in itself.

*I witnessed history Nov 4th.

*Seeing the duality in everything can be frustrating.  I'm not a fence rider, but I can see both sides of an argument.

*I finally figured out what a falaffle is.

*My room mate really is one of my greatest friends.

*I never want to let go of the part of me that is still child.

*Life is short and scary and wonderful all at once.

*babies are incredible beings.

*Money will always be a problem.  Always. 

*I agree with Jim Gaffigan...I have never felt good after eating Hot pockets. 

*The definition of home changes when you live on your own.  My home is my family.  My house and my dorm are just the places I sleep and keep my shit.

*If I could date anyone in the world it would be Rob Pattinson. duh.

*I cannot shave my legs without nicking myself at least once.

*I love soymilk.

*some friendships, even if you know its better they end, are just bound to last forever.

*Some wounds are especially hard to heal completely.

*I'm going to be something.

*Pancakes are best at midnight.

*Kahlil Gibran pretty much sums it up.  "Kneel only before Truth, Follow only Beauty and Obey only Love."

I'm so pumped for 2009

adam and eve

Just some lyrics that seemed to stick with me today....

"....you're trying to find a reason

why you have to leave

but i know its cuz you think you're adam

and you think i am eve.

you rhapsodize about beauty

and my eyes glaze

everything i love is ugly

i mean really, you would be amazed

just do me a favor

it's the least that you can do

just don't treat me like I am 

something that happened to you

i am truly sorry about all this

you put a tiny pin prick

in my big red balloon

and as i slowly start to exhale

thats when you leave the room

i did not design this game

i did not name the stakes

i just happen to like apples

and i'm not afraid of snakes.

i am truly sorry about all this

i envy your ignorance

i hear that its bliss

so i let go the ratio

of things said to things heard

as i leave you to your garden

and the beauty you preferred

and i wonder what of this

will have meaning for you

when you've left it all behind

i guess i'll even wonder

if you meant it

at the time."

~Ani DiFranco

peace love and assorted baked goods.

Its getting closer and closer to Christmas time.  It has never been sweeter to just be home.  I didn't realize while I was at school how good it feels to be home for holidays like this.  I'm looking at Christmas in a whole new light this year.  Suddenly everything that was appealing about it when I was a little kid has come flooding back.  The last couple years Christmas was good - except my mind was on other things.  My head was already thinking about the future, planning it, wishing for it, wanting more than anything to just be a grown up already.  And now that I'm exactly where I had wanted so badly to be, home is so much sweeter and I'm a little kid again.  I'm excited about the little things again - the hot chocolate, christmas ornaments made out of popsicle sticks and excessive amounts of glitter glue, decorating the house...even Christmas shopping. I usually hate to take part in ridiculous holiday consumerism, but this year I'm happy to do it.  I like to shop for people I love.  And baking...all I want to do, all day long is bake and bake and bake.  I caught myself watching Martha Stewart the other day when I was home alone.  As much as I hate to admit it, after watching I was planning in my head my own little bakery/bookstore, complete with my artwork all over the walls and my children's books being sold along with cute little packages of baked goods.  Damn you Martha Stewart.

I'm just really feeling Christmas this year.  I think I had been missing it the past couple years and I'm so glad to have it back.  The tree is decorated, Dad has his guitar out playing music in the next room, Mom's making Christmas cards...and I just have this really peaceful feeling.  This month has been incredibly stressful for our family financially and emotionally.  But I just feel hopeful right now.  We survive.  We live.  We celebrate.  We bake hardcore.  Life is still amazing and full and wonderful.  

peace love and assorted baked goods.  ~Hayden

diplomacy

So yesterday I had that meeting with that professor I was telling you about to challenge my grade.  I left that meeting feeling more confident and grown up than I ever have.  Before this meeting, it took everything in me to write a diplomatic, respectful email to this particular teacher - who has dubbed himself king of all ass-holes in my life thus far.  When I found out that our presentation received the lowest grade in the class after being on of the best ones given over all...I was livid.  Our presentation really was one of the top presentations, hands down.  So when I found out we had the lowest grade I was ready to blow.  I looked down at my new tattoo, trying to remember that peace and love should come first when really...all I wanted to do was verbally abuse this man until he cried.

So I took a deep breath and wrote an extremely well written, respectful email addressing my concerns.  I was so happy just to be standing up for myself that all of my nerves disappeared when we walked into his office yesterday for the meeting.  I got the grade bumped up to a decent grade and I was happy.  Happy because the meeting went so well, everyone left in a good mood, no one was offended, everyone was satisfied.  And I realized just how far a little diplomacy can go.  Its all about taking that deep breath and choosing.  Choosing to do the right thing, the peaceful thing.  I tried to imagine all the things that I could make so much better in my life if I just took that deep breath more often and thought first before speaking in retaliation.  I'm not a pro at it, but I want to try to be better at it.  If everyone could take that second to just think first and choose the peaceful way out of a conflict...imagine what could be.

I realize that my blog portrays me as a bit of an idealist.  And people may not always like that about me.  But I have come to the point where I just don't care what they think anymore.  Because even if all this peace and diplomacy talk seems to be unrealistic to others...to me, just visualizing it, and trying my best to be that person who chooses peace, diplomacy and love first is taking baby steps in the right direction.  And I'm ok with that.  Sure I may be an idealist, but I'm educated, I'm aware, and at least I'm trying.  Even if I'm only one person, I'm trying.  

Finals are almost done.  My biggest projects are all turned in.  I looked back at my portfolio and had a moment.  I have come so far in just one semester.  There is always that point when you wonder ...did I do enough?  Am I enough?  My goal was to manage this semester and I did.  No matter what I am proud of that and how far I have come as an individual.  For me, it was enough.  I think I need to teach myself to stop trying to please people sometimes.  I realized as I turned in all my work, that I havent picked up a pencil for myself in months.  So I am SO ready for break.  To draw, to sleep, to read book after book....I'm so ready.  And I deserve it.

Well, I'm off to take an Italian exam.  Cross your fingers.  <3

Finalssssss

I need some tea to calm me down.  Finals week is killer.  How I'm finding time to blog is beyond me...and probably not the smartest thing to do in a time crunch week....but I needed a break - badly.  I really think that the key to finals is mind over matter.  I look at all my projects, all the studying I have to do and I know that it is all doable, all possible, all reasonable.  The enormity of it is what's overwhelming.  Sometimes I can handle it, keep it all at bay, control the stress.  Other times I want to scream.  Other times I just want to sleep.  Right now I'm kind of in between all of that.

I felt fearless today.  I had a ridiculously inadequate instructor give me an even more ridiculous grade on a presentation that I worked extremely hard on.  Ask anyone in the class - it was an extremely unfair grade.  So I went and challenged it with my presentation partner.  I have an appointment next monday to talk to the instructor, but I sent him an extremely diplomatic email about it - to which he didn't even respond.  So today when we made the appointment, I made sure to stand up extra tall, to speak like an adult, look him in the eye and let him know I will not be spoken down to.  Thats one thing I really hate.  Don't be condescending with me...I'm intelligent enough to carry a conversation as your equal.  I feel empowered haha.  Even if he doesn't change the grade...I'll still be pissed but I am more proud that I stood up for myself than anything else.  Independence is so sweet.

another thing that is sweet...is microwavable kettle corn.  Not as good as the real thing...but still. Makes me happy.

<3