dum dum dum....

College is awesome.  Plain and simple.  Besides the early classes, I'm having such an amazing time just living here.  My floor is full of incredible, funny, insane people who laugh at my dumb jokes.  I like doing laundry, I love having homework, I love having my own desk and taking care of myself.  I love this.  :)

Buddhism and Myself

Last night was really an enlightening experience.  Naz held an open house for the center for spirituality, inviting students from all walks of faith to join either the Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, or Buddhist meetings - ( think there were more but I dont remember them all.)  Now here's my issue...like I've said before, I dont find myself to be super religious, but I do believe I am a spiritual person.  I was raised in a very interesting church that is technically catholic, but extremely liberal.  (we actually got excommunicated for supporting gay marriage and allowing women on the alter.)  So going to church as I kid, I never really knew exactly what I was, I always just considered us the hippy church and I am so proud to be apart of it. But suddenly here I am, in this beautiful center for spirituality, totally feeling like I dont know where I belong, but knowing for sure that I am supposed to be there...somewhere.

I asked a friend who actually has been going to the same church as me for a long time, which mass might suit me best and she suggested the Catholic mass because it might be more familiar to me.  I had every intention of taking her advice, and while the mass was getting set up, there was a bit of down time to explore the rooms.  So I wandered into the zen meditation room to check it out where I ended up meeting Jessica.  Jessica was really really cool.  She practices Tibetan Buddhism and she started to explain to me some of it, and of course....I couldnt stop listening and asking questions.  It was so interesting I could have stayed there for hours...and I kind of did.  I started to hear the Catholic mass start up in the chapel, but something was just telling me to stay.  More and more people joined the group, students and faculty and the discussion was just so amazing and eye opening.  I had so many misconceptions about Buddhism, and was really excited about all the concepts of it.  There is so much connectivity in all religions that it makes me kind of angry that they try and compete with each other.  Love, compassion, truth, are present in every religion I have come across so far in my life, I dont understand how some religions view other religions as being "wrong."

While I was sitting there I just kept thinking about how the things I believe in and how...thus far, I havent really found my place in a certain religion because my morals and values tie into so many.  I'm like a mutt.  I believe in love more than anything and that it is the root of goodness in the world.  I believe that in our humanity, striving to be good, and truthful, and thankful and to question things is must.  I can't really explain exactly what I was feeling as I listened to Jessica and Chris and some others talk about their experience and their own personal truths, other than saying that I just felt...full.  I had an art professor at our advisement meeting say, "Start thinking creatively now.  Go experience things and see things, look for inspiration so that when you get to really express yourself with your art, you know what you want to say."  I wondered about my future work while I sat in the zen room, I wondered about how this might affect the things I create and it felt so right to be there. 

What do I want say?  Theres so much.  So much.

quick update

  Got up, ate breakfast, had orientation groups meet and talk about Work study and Sexual assault.  Ate lunch.  Got on buses for community service.  Got lost.  Found Camp.  Weeded, mulched, got dirty.  Came home, took shower, almost dropped clean underwear in shower, (again) ate dinner, came back to dorm.  Played an AWESOME game of Apples to Apples with new friends, went to mixer, came back, stayed up coloring with new friends for shits and giggles.  Went on a midnight adventure to first floor to find microwave for ramen noodles, and finallly..I'm in bed.  :)

Beginnings.

So today was day two of crazy-insane-orientation weekend.  I'm getting sick of the stupid ice breaker games and I just really want to start classes.  Thats why today was so exciting.  

We woke up way to early for breakfast and spent a horrendously long time at  presentation that no one could hear or understand or stay awake through.  So we ditched the ITS presentation that no one could really hear and hiked back up to our room to set up the printer, etc...Then the best part of the day finally arrived.

We were sent to go meet our advisors in our different departments.  So finally, all of us Art kids were in one room with all of our professors.  The Art staff on this campus are truly the most real and down to earth people you will meet.  They all introduced themselves and started to talking to us about the year and expectations and stuff.  I now know that there will probably be NO time for me to work a second job.  My drawing professor's class alone requires hours of work in class and THEN...at least six hours every week of outside studio work to get a mere C.  Thats just one of my art classes.  I'm minoring in Art History which I probably will start working on new semester.  The professor for that said that for every hour of class there is at least two hours of outside work.  Intimidating and SO exciting.  You really just get completely immersed and I am SO ready for it.  I have no idea the kind of work load my english, italian, and seminar will give me, but I am planning to stay on top of it the best I can.  This is my life now.

My advisor Lynn is really awesome.  She came to lunch with a bunch of us girls.  (oh yeah, combing Art Ed and Studio Majors, there is a grand total of THREE guys. yay.) She answered a ton of questions and really made me feel more at ease about my little training in high school and just got me excited about everything.  I left lunch wanting to burst with happiness.

Now Me and Sam are hanging out in our room and finishing some unpacking. I cant stop thinking about how amazing it is to even be here.  I just feel so incredibly blessed.  Tonight is a Grey's marathon and some chill time.  Perfect <3

Safe Sex is Good Sex.

So today was move in day.  It went much much MUCH better than I expected it too.  The emotions were definitely running high and I felt this need to stay close to my family until the very last moments before they left.  I'm starting to learn though that everything is bearable when you have faith in yourself and whats ahead of you and the people in your life.  I definitely shed tears today, but my happiness here is keeping me in balance.  Things that seemed overwhelming yesterday seem so right now.  I'm really glad for that.

We moved all our crap in after waiting in a lonnnng ass line.  There were a bunch of people helping out so it didnt take long to get all of our stuff up in the room.  Sam had gotten there earlier to unload so we had plenty of space.  (I seriously have the best roomie in the world.  I would be lost without her.  And she was even so gracious as to give me the bed by the window.  What a doll.  I hope we can room together next year and the year after and the year after...and yeah.  love her.)  We unpacked a little and set up the basics, then had a quick lunch and met up with orientation groups.  At first they werent so eventful, but I had a chance to meet a lot of awesome new people.  Everyone here is sooo nice.  We had this long welcome ceremony with a bunch of speeches and our statement of intent, then we had to say goodbyes.  I had been dreading them all day.  There was this big ball of DREAD in the pit of my stomach.  I'm closer to my family than I think I could ever explain, so the moving out process was a milestone I was verrrrry aware of.  I still am. So we all cried, (there really was no way to avoid it) and then headed to the parking lot where there was this fork in the road. I had to go one way, and the family had to go the other way.  Gah.  It took me a bit to get myself together as I walked down my road.  But I did it.  And I am so happy I did.

We met up in groups again and had a really quick dinner and an RA meeting.  Then later we had groups AGAIN (gah.) and then we went and saw a comedian in the gym.  They were pretty decent.  But I gotta say, once you've seen Dane Cook there is no going back.  Its like seeing a cadillac and then having to buy an old lumina or something.  Still gets you from A-B, but doesnt drive as sweet.  Everyone was so tired by that point a bunch of them started to get up and leave to use the showers and such.  I almost felt bad for them.  Me and Sam came back to our dorm and unpacked some more, ran around our floor and knocked on doors, saying hey to everyone on Kearney East and hunting down a sink so we could make some crystal light for the fridge.  

We have the perfect room.  its tucked away at the end of a hall, with a little window seat right outside of it.  We live next door to our peer mentor who promptly posted a small envelope of condems on her white board outside her door with a note that said "safe sex is good sex!" right after the parents had all left.  It was an insane day and I have no idea why I am still up at 2:10am, but I dont want to forget any of this.  :)

More tomorrow <3

Thursday <3

I leave on Thursday.  I've never been so ready and so scared for anything in my entire life.

Blub Blub Blubber.

I could not control my tear ducts today.  I think its part of pms.  It happens regularly around that time.  I'll cry for no reason and then just not be able to stop until I am all out of tears and then I'll feel better.  But today was a little different.  

I got up and took my mom to her conference, stealing the car for the morning so I could finish her birthday gift.  I got her this really pretty locket and I needed to get the picture sized to fit it. (She looooved it.)  But all morning I just had this weird uneasy feeling.  At first I thought it was because I had a physical later and I hate going to the doctor's office.  But I was feeling so much anxiety and couldn't really pin point what it was.  It was just bothering me.  

I picked up Mom and we went to the doctors.  The lady at the desk asked all these questions about where I'm going to college and how this was my last appointment at the pediatricians.  Last appointment.  Usually my mom comes in with me and we steal rubber gloves to blow up and make jokes about how much the doctor talks but she let me go by myself this time and I thought hey, I can handle this.  But then I got into the room and looked around at the stupid dragonfly wall paper I had seen for so many years and was suddenly just overwhelmed.  I had to try really hard not to cry all of the sudden as the lady took my blood pressure.  "Your blood pressure is high, are you nervous?" And I explained to her that I had been feeling anxious all day and wasnt sure why.  And then I kindly asked her to tell my mother to come to my little room.  As soon as she came inside and closed the door I burst into tears - half cause i didnt really know why I was suddenly so overwhelmed, and half because I suddenly felt like Peter Pan - never ever ever wanting to grow up.

The doctor eventually came in and Mom kind of explained what was happening - (she said she was afraid the doctor would think she beat me hahaha)  And the doctor gave me this complete look of pity and would not shut UP about her sons and how things dont really hit you at first.  She was totally right but at the same time I was really trying hard not to keep crying and all I could think was - just give me my fucking gardisil shot and send me on my way.  My mom was so cool about it, I was a blubbering idiot and she totally understood.  And the best part is she knows that there are times when both of us could get emotional but I'll only cry worse if she does.  So - her not getting emotional either really helped me.  Well - kind of.  I cried in the car a lot too.  I was just - gah....couldn't stop.  At that point - I knew for sure it was hormones and not all the anxiety I had been feeling earlier so I just let go and had a good cry.  My eyes feel puffy still.

On a happier note - I know Dad's got something up his sleeve for Mom's birthday dinner - and I know it includes cake. So maybe I'll just go and enjoy some cake and some family time and just...be.

car plane shuttle train ...boat.

Home from Lake Hartwell, Georgia.  It was absolutely perfect.  We got up super early on Friday morning to get to the airport.  (I would just like to add that I am a master at packing light.  I fit all my stuff in one carry on.  Woo.)  We ended up dropping off our car and taking a shuttle to the airport.  Even though it was incredibly early, we were all laughing our heads off about anything and everything all the way to the gate.  

We started to board and I noticed there was a soldier and his family waiting to get on our plane.  As soon as they called our seat section, his mother burst in to tears and gave him the biggest hug.  It was heart wrenching.  I really hate goodbyes.  I start college in two weeks and saying goodbye to my family is the only thing that makes me emotional.  I hate it.  

The plane ride was pretty smooth, even though it smelled like rubber gloves and fruit loops.  It took us about two hours to get to Atlanta - the craziest airport I have ever seen.  From there we got on the Marta train.  Atlanta is an insane city.  The high ways are six lanes of traffic - coming AND going.  The Marta is a train that runs over the top of it.  It was really interesting to see all the people that use it. Workers, families, travelers, everyone uses it.  I had never been in one space with so many different people in it.  Black, white, latin, asian, middle eastern... everyone.  At one point during our ride, a middle eastern man with a suit on and a thick black turban on his head boarded the train.  Immediately everyone around him was looking down, uncomfortable, it was like you could see people's thoughts, most of them probably thought he was a terrorist.  He sat down and was very quiet, his expression kind of said "dont-fuck-with-me," but then, a woman came on the train with a baby in a stroller, four kids, in her work uniform.  Every seat was taken.  Nobody moved except the middle eastern man who got up and offered her his seat.  People can be so unexpectedly beautiful.

The train ride was about 45 minutes long and afterwards, my aunt Kathy picked us up in the rental car.  We drove for ANOTHER hour and 45 minutes, all of us tired and totally sick of vehicles in general.  Soon the city kind of dissolved from six lanes of traffic, to four, to two, until finally we were out in the boonies on a single dirt road.  Lake Hartwell is beautiful.  The beaches are red clay, the weather is a steady 98 degrees every day, and the water is so nice.  It was a big family event, my cousins were there, my aunt and uncle, my grandparents.  The cottage was like home away from home - (with central air and guitar hero).  We spent the days out on the boat, floating around, jet skiing, tubing, taking boat rides to all the different coves, taking "coffee cruises" in the morning (basically taking breakfast on the boat to see the lake during the morning hours.)  We watched movies in the air conditioning at night, went to the famous T-60 boil for a heaping pot of seafood, read books, did puzzles and just completely relaxed.  I may have looked like a tomato with my sun burn, but I could have cared less.  

To get back home we did the same routine - backwards - car shuttle plane etc...It was good to be home, to see civilization again, to see the dog and our own bedrooms.  I found myself a little emotional though. We came home to a pile of mail from Naz, and it hit me - I'm leaving.  Soon. I wont be living here much longer.  And then that fear of good byes kicked in again when I opened the orientation pamphlet to see pictures of parents saying goodbye to their kids.  God.  I felt homesick already.   But I felt incredibly lucky too and reminded myself - I'm only twenty minutes away, its not like I died, and pretty soon I'll be so absorbed in school I wont have time to be emotional.  Letting go is hard.

The Olympics started.  AMAZING opening ceremony.  I've been watching it all weekend now.  (Especially volleyball)  Right now gymnastics are on and the "women" gymnasts, look to be about 8 years old.  All the guys are what...4"11?  Nice arms though :)  The cameras kept showing George Bush in the crowd and he looked bored out of is freaking mind.  They even caught him checking his watch and yawning.  Way to go Pres, way to conk out on an amazing event bringing people all over the globe together. We can obviously see your enthusiasm.  I cant wait till this loser is out of office.

Till next time :)