hello internet land.

Hey friends,

In about 9 hours I'll be boarding a plan to start the biggest adventure of my life. Almost four months in Florence, Italy to study a semester of art. Holy schmokes it's finally here! Blogging here has been so wonderful and so fulfilling. But with new chapters in life come new blogs. So if you feel like you might want to, you can follow the adventuring here at:

www.hayden-elizabeth.blogspot.com

Sending so much love to you and yours,
Hayden

oh silly me.

In just two days, I'll be up in the air. I can't believe it. It's finally here. My heart feels like it might bust open. For those of you who care, I'm going to be starting a new blog specifically for this trip. I'll post a link here as soon as it has started.

I love you. Tell someone that you love them today. Mean it. <3

im such a silly idiot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9LSiYNa89A

^ stick THAT in your web bar and love it.

Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

I've grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
Treat me recklessly
All you do is toss me pennies out
But the silence in me is screaming
Won't you come and get me?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You make a mess of me here
I'd dance a thousand steps for you
And if you say yes to me
I'll be whatever gets you through

You make a mess of me here (was I a fool?)
I'd dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool?)
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

get lost. make messes.

yesterday I took out all of my prismacolors and religiously sharpened each and every one of them. The sketchbook has been calling my name lately and I've been answering as best I can. Every night for a couple hours before bed, I doodle.

The word 'doodle' makes the act sound trivial and maybe it is, but when I'm drawing, I tend to just get every idea out at once in these doodle-intense sessions before bed. I make sense of the pages later. But when I look back I'm happy to see pieces of ideas and stories and colors and inks that just make me dream. The sketchbook itself is basically where I keep the chaos. I come back to it again later to pick and choose the ideas I want to develop and love up a little more.

I'm excited about the chaos right now. Even though I've made sense of very little, I'm happy with mess. I'm happy with crazy. I feel like "mess" is the best way to describe myself right now. I'm about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life, all by myself. I want to embrace every fear and every piece of anxiety and turn it into something beautiful. I'll take whatever is coming to me with the knowledge that there is a God who sees me already as a masterpiece of his own. So even if I crash and burn, I am still beautiful to someone. We were all made in his image and thats got to mean something. I'm welcoming the unknown. Opening my arms to whatever the hell comes next. Yes please. I'm ready to lose myself inside this journey and come out a changed girl, artist, friend, sister, daughter....woman... at the end.

Sometimes you have to get lost to be found.

As soon as my scanner is up and running, I'll post some sketch pages and share some mess with you. <3

Peace. Always peace.

Dear Earth,

I loved you madly today.
I drank you in from the car window while we drove back from my grandfather's house.
In the stretches of road and tree and sky that were not littered with buildings and telephone poles, you looked radiant.
You looked happy.
You looked blue and green and yellow in all the best ways.
The purest ways.
I know we've hurt you, burnt you, abused you.
We set up an ignorant residence, forgetting the graciousness of your initial hospitality.
What horrible guests we've been.
Wrecking your limbs, draining your spirit and putting it into jar, a car, a train, a plane....a bomb.
But you shined for me today anyway.
Loved me anyway.
You whispered to me over the noise of the car radio like a damaged little girl.
"Don't forget I'm still beautiful."
I saw your youth for a fleeting moment.
Saw power in the quietness of your whisper.
You are still beautiful.
Thank you.

Love, Hayden

a toast to re-discovering self worth.

It's funny how much of the hurt we go through is self inflicted. I don't understand how it is I hold on to something until I'm just completely wrecked by it, even when I know better. Even when I acknowledge I deserve more, I hold out for the good in someone until they've chipped away at the good in me.

So here is my toast: (I'm lame and currently toasting with a glass of pure almond milk. suck. it.)

Here is to cut ties and clean slates.
Here is to letting go of someone I should never have held on to in the first place.
Here is to truth.
Here is to completely raw, open conversations with the best mom in the world.
Here is to insight.
Here is to decision.
Here is to your passive aggressive asshole comments which will no longer hurt me. Keep them. You aren't impressive and you aren't clever.
Here is to my spine.
Here is to moving forward, even if it's all by myself.
Here is to a God who sees me even when I feel like no one else does.
Here is to fresh flowers and paychecks.
Here is to plane tickets to a foreign country and three and a half months of pure independence.
Here is to the fear that holds hands with discovery. I welcome you.
Here is to the ocean and sky.
Here is to Jim and Pam on the Office. Your cuteness completes me.
Here is to the cute boy working across from my department. I WILL say hi to you this week.
Here is to ME.

To not knowing, to not planning, to feeling, to moving, to creating, to moving on without your sorry ass, to being FREE.

Cheers, friends. Salut! :)

hello summertime.

*I've been neglecting you. I apologize. Here's one of my characteristically late lists of recent happenings:

*School is finished and work has begun again. Home has never felt so good. Everything about it is love.

*Maggie had her junior prom and looked stunningggggggggg!

*Dave concert in three days!

*Italy is just around the corner. Getting my visa August 5th and leaving the country August 29th. Working my ass off until then for some decent traveling money.

*I think that most American men are lazy when it comes to being a true gentlemen. I'm lucky enough to have a father and uncles and grandfathers who set the bar pretty high as men. Too bad they can't teach a How-to-Grow-the-Hell-Up-and-Be-a-Real-Man 101 class to this generation.

*I think people are the most beautiful when they are completely focused on the happiness of someone else.

*I am wishing for the good in all of us to come on out and save the world already.

*I promise my next post will be infinitely more substantial. Sending love to all of you. <3

had to post this :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY

I love it I love it I love. Thank you Maggie :)

the big beautiful leap.

So as it turns out, taking the leap can be the best thing. The CD Release was probably the most epic night of music I've ever experienced. Dad's band brought the house down and singing up there with them felt wonderful. The anxiety before hand almost killed me. But when it was time for my first solo with a band of the greatest guys I know right behind me, and my amazing dad right next to me....I don't know....something just fell into place.

The whole reason I finally said yes to this was because I'm just so tired of feeling afraid of things. Even though I know that the anxiety won't leave when I wish it to, I think if I work at pretending to be unafraid...eventually I won't feel the fear anymore.

I sang back up for the first half of the night, and then did a set by myself in the second half. And my sister got up and sang with me. I had been feeling so much pressure before hand (an anxiety helped only by the few beers Uncle Rich snuck me before hand, hahaha)....I knew almost everyone in the room. My entire family was there. And because I've kept to myself for so long...some of the people I love the most, had no idea I could sing. Or play guitar. As soon as Maggie came and sang with me, I just....stopped caring so much. I closed my eyes and pretended I was in my living room, just playing and singing with my sister. And even though I was assaulted by hot stage lights and a giant looking microphone, in a dingy bar in the basement of a theater...pretending to have no fear, pretending I was in my living room....I was okay again. And I just want to sing. And I did.

The response was incredible and I'm still reeling from it. My family flipped the hell out, crying and hugging me and asking me where the hell I'd been hiding, demanding that I play out more often. Boys...no...MEN...looked at me like I was something special. My greatest friends came to party with us and support when I really needed it, even if I had trouble voicing how much I needed them there. My grandfather came up and hugged me after my first solo, even though it was the middle of the concert and told me he was proud of me....which was just....huge for him. Huge for me.


People came up and asked me to sign the artwork I did on the cover of Dad's CD, telling me they loved my work. I've never signed autographs before. It was just so surreal. The night was truly amazing. A complete eye opener. I spend so much time doubting myself, second guessing, being afraid. And after last night every one has been telling me things along the lines of "what the hell is wrong with you....why would you EVER doubt yourself!!!"

Self doubt is definitely a condition I have battled with and probably always will battle with. But the love I felt, and the music I felt last night...its like the armor I need to keep fighting those battles. I'm still on a high from it all.

<3 <3 <3

A List of Recently.

~Dad's home! Safe, and tan, and glowing with this other worldliness that I am dying to understand myself one day. Every time her goes to Haiti I am wishing I was with him. And someday that will be. But for now, I'm brushing up on my creole....and by brushing up I mean ordering dictionaries and phrase books online and desperately trying to teach myself.

~There is something very potent about fresh air and sunshine. Even as I welcome every breath of it, I'm struggling to keep my focus on school when the earth itself is buzzing awake right outside my window. Thank God I am currently on Spring break and school is the last thing on my mind.

~I really adore my little sister. I wish she could see herself through my eyes. I just feel like her goodness is going to change one little kid at a time. And she doesn't even see how beautiful she is....inside and out. She just radiates peace to me. If I hear about ANY boys breaking her heart I will become a non-characteristically violent person and kick some sacks.

~I have this habit of setting my alarm clock an hour ahead of the time I think I might wanna start waking up. I'm convinced that the most pleasurable sleep intervals are the ones between my Dave Matthews ringtone/alarm.

~I'm taking a giant leap of faith this weekend....and finally taking my guitar to play and sing somewhere outside my bedroom. I'm terrified. And excited. But mostly terrified. I've trained myself into saying no whenever anyone asks me to play, but I realized recently that I'm afraid of a lot of thing the majority of the time. And thats no way to do your living. So here's to saying Yes, and letting go, and trusting in the greatest invisible friend there is to have your back no matter how badly you are afraid to fail.

~My stomach makes the most ridiculous noises, I am starting to convince myself that I'm having conversations with an alien child residing there.

~At this very moment, someone is thinking about how absolutely beautiful you are.

a little lost.

Dad's in Haiti. Left on Sunday. This picture is from his last visit working in Borgne. (He's the one in blue in the back) My Mom and Mags and I are all having anxiety issues while he's away. Which is to be expected. When you love someone like we love Dad, there is no shaking the worry or the fear. I'm so proud of him and everything he does there, but I want him home safe really badly. Its hard to get in touch with him there, especially after the earthquake.

So we wait. And we worry. And we feel. And we pray.

I feel like our family is deeply connected in such a way where we would know if something bad was going to happen or if something went terribly wrong. We would feel it. But beyond the worry and anxiety, there is only hope. So I know all will be well and that Dad is in good hands, changing lives all the way. I wish I could have gone.

Here in college-world things are going alright I guess. I'm feeling so restless and the added stress of this week is just not helping me focus at all. I have no motivation to go through these motions. I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing all at once. I feel stuck and just all over anxious. I'm ready for this semester to come to an end.

I'm ready for a summer of work before an amazing trip to Italy for 3 months in the fall. Can you believe it? Me. On my own. In a foreign country for three months. Its terrifying and beautiful all at once to know that coming back from that trip...I won't be the same person. I already know that the experience will change my life. How do you find patience waiting for such an event? To know your life is about to change...is like standing on a ledge. Its the breath you take before you jump. And I feel like I've been holding that breath all semester.

I'm ready. Terrified. But ready, I can't even think about it this week....there's just too much. Too much going on. My head is in a million places. I'm going everywhere and no where. I'm poor and I'm rich all at once. I'm just a ball of potential energy.

And I really miss my Dad. Once I know he's home safe....I think things will calm down again. I hope.

"Bondye do ou, M a fe pa M." (Creole for: "God says do your part, and I'll do mine."

an answer

In my previous post about Haiti, I mentioned the bible story I opened up to about Jesus calming the storm. Well for those of you who read that....this is God...

Sunday morning there was footage of people singing and having church in the street. The preacher was saying, "If you are alive right now, God has a plan for you, come and sing and give praise with us."

And guess what story he read from the bible?

Yup. Jesus calming the storm. Mark 4:40.

No one can convince me that God is not listening. Or that God has not answered.

Dear Boy...

Miles away, you sometimes forget me, as i forget you now
Love is a funny word to hide behind, to justify touch
Friends before more than friends,
I lost you to an indifference I am not interesting enough to counter.
Talking, talking, you save yourself with words when a storm comes.
Words I used to bend beneath, words I thought were band aids big enough for your negligence.
No longer a little girl, I see you through and through.
Mouth moving but heart still detached.
You still try to prove me wrong....you just keep talking, and talking.
But only when you are afraid.
When you are afraid that your convenience may abandon you for more beautiful men
Or an even more beautiful Self Truth.
Talking, talking, thinking you can fix me.
Thinking I need fixing.
But you cannot fix my opinion of you now.
Beyond red anger and blue resentment, I see yellow pity for you.
You are talking, talking, talking to yourself you see.
For Self Truth has already blossomed in me.
I am not hiding behind a word you think you understand.
A word you think you can explain to me.
I know better of Love
And I thought better of you.
My spine grew tall and solid while you were sleeping away our friendship
My ears and eyes know your truths and lies like they know music from noise.
No scars upon this heart for you, you'd think yourself important.
No longer your convenience, I am laughing.
You told me once your were smarter than I
Well it seems you have a lot to learn.
Righteous literature fueling your arrogance,
You were blind to the intelligence of a heart.
This heart.
No longer yours on puppet strings.
More free and awake than she's ever been.
And it all occurred without you.
Miles away I forget you.
But you will always remember me.

Wake up World. We Need Each Other

My heart is in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti right now. Haiti has always been very close to my heart. Both of my parents have traveled there numerous times with outreach groups. My father helped to build a clinic in Bourne. His team brought running, clean water and electricity to a hospital that had been without it for almost 14 years. I've listened to every story from both my parents, dreaming about the day that I could go.

I used to write to a boy named Rock who lived there and met my father. My dad showed him a picture of me on one of his visits and Rock would send me back letters with the groups who went down to help. He told me how beautiful I was and how he wished to meet me and draw pictures for me. His English got better with each letter and he drew pictures on the bottom of each one. It was hard to send many letters unless a group was traveling down and could find him. But I still have those letters.

I stopped hearing from him after a hurricane hit the coast a few years back. I don't know what happened to him...whether he was lost in the storm or the groups traveling down couldn't find him. On Dad's last trip he said he didn't see him. I wonder where he is right now and if he is okay.

I think what touches me most about everything I've learned about Haiti is that there is an unshakable faith in the people there. People who have nothing but each other. Little food, little money, little opportunity...the nearest hospital miles and miles away and only two or three vehicles for transport over horrible roads. Yet when Dad told us stories of packed churches and joyful voices and songs to God, I just wanted to BE there. To drop everything and feel an ounce of that trust, that joy, that celebration and gratitude for what God has given us.

We forget how blessed we are. It's so easy to do. Just this week I was stressing over money and school and books and studying abroad...upset over it all. Upset over what? Nothing. I had to take a moment today after watching heartbreaking foootage of the Earthquake damage in Haiti, to just breakdown.

(Thank God for room mates who are loving, and understanding people who wont making fun of me when I fall to pieces watching tv footage.)

I had it all wrong. My vision this week... was not beyond myself. And this earthquake has shaken me awake again. We need each other. Our suffering, our joy, our sorrows hold hands. We are one world community. We forget how connected we are. How much it matters that we see each other, hear each other, help each other.

This morning I took out the beautiful bible my parents got me for Christmas. I've never been much of a bible reader (and when I did read it, I was/am a New Testament kinda girl...) , I've never been much of a religious person...but I believe in God with all my heart. And my parents gave my sister and I each a bible of our own, knowing that we would take something different from it. Dad said to us, "just read a little bit, a small verse when you feel it. Let it sink in. Cause you will take something different away from it every time." He went on to tell us that sometimes he would read a passage and not truly understand its meaning until something would happen later in the day that he could really apply it to. Like it was meant for him to read that day.

This morning, I took mine out and flipped to a random page, falling on Mark 4:40. It was the story about Jesus calming a storm. He had fallen asleep at the stern and his friends begged him to wake up. "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And Jesus wakes up and says to the sea, "Peace, be still." and the storm was calm. And then he says to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith in me?"

It put things back in perspective. Have faith in me. Don't be afraid. Even in the midst of destruction, even in the middle of a storm...God is here. And God is the way. The way, the Truth and the Light. And I know things will get better.

My friend Morgan told me about one of her professors, who said something I think is really fitting, so I'll leave you with this:

"Catastrophe is key to understanding, and understanding is key to peace."

Be well, World.

greetings and salutations 2010.

It seems that almost every year, my new years resolutions are close to the same. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing...eh....no idea. I guess all in all it just reminds me that I will always be trying to improve myself. Improve myself in as many dimensions of my life as I can. Better artist, better friend, better sister, better daughter, better student, better peace seeker, better love giver, better tree hugger, better kisser, better listener, better explorer, better worker, better...me.

Today doesn't really feel significantly different than yesterday until I wrap my head around the necessity of a new year. Everyone's calendar is back at Day One. I'm trying to get my heart there too. Letting go of 2009 feel like lifting significant weight off my shoulders. With all the good and bad, it is a year I'm ready to say goodbye to.

This semester was a challenge. A constant challenge with little time to just simply BE. Between work and school and trying to find time to work out or...SLEEP...I learned the truth about what it takes to get where you wanna go. To really apply yourself to a dream. And even though there were times when I wanted to give up and just drop out....I have never been so satisfied with a completed semester. Hello, Dean's List.

I spent New Years Eve with two friends that just mean the world to me. One of them I hadn't seen since graduation. It felt like no time had passed between us and I could just feel an old bond resurface. I love the guy to death. Both of these people are just people of my heart forever. One of my resolutions is to see more of them. :)

Turning over a new leaf feels like a breath of fresh air. Even though I know this next semester will be just as difficult...if not more difficult...I'm preparing myself. Because I know I can do well. And I have beautiful people in my life who will pick me up and dust me off when I feel like giving up. If I can focus, there are so many beautiful things I know someone up there has in store for me. (Italy in the fall for three months studying fine art! That's the big goal.)

So I look back at 2009 with gratitude and a sense of accomplishment.

As for 2010.....bring it on.