roots

This past week has just been one of those...blehhhh weeks.  I couldn't find much motivation and I did the bare minimum when it came to work.  I just felt detached and unproductive - uninspired.  Just part of the never ending roller coaster I guess.  

But when the week ended, Maggie came to visit and I spent some time with the family.  And I just feel so much better.  I realized that when I feel like I'm just kind of out on a limb, alone, and kind of stuck in neutral...going back to my roots brings me back to myself.  Realigns me.  So much so that this morning I actually woke up early, took my time, took a shower, ate a good breakfast and went on my way to class feeling refreshed and new.  Its like taking a deep breath and starting over, getting rid of all of my self doubt, my exhaustion, my creative drought.  It feels good.

It's so damn easy to get down on myself when I get like I was last week.  Things that stemmed from lack of motivation end up moving into stress level, body image...blah blah blah.  I know I am a beautiful person.  I just want to live like I have never doubted that.

Peace 

joyful girl

"i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because its the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it because i want to

i want to

everything i do is judged

and they mostly get it wrong

but oh well

'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged

and the woman who lives there can tell

the truth from the stuff that they say

and she looks me in the eyes

and says would you prefer the easy way?

no, well ok then

don't cry

i wonder if everything i do 

i do instead

of something I want to do more

the question fills my head

i know theres no grand plan here

this is just the way it goes

when everything else seems unclear

i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because its the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it just because i want to

because i want to."

~Ani DiFranco

don't burn the day awayyy

I can't believe that next week is midterms.  Holy hell.  This semester is flying by.  We get tomorrow off and I swear I am going to make this three day weekend last.  I want nothing more than to be home, to be with my family and just relax for once.  In between my old job, my new job and the giant amount of work for school...I'm starting to feel the effects.

In better news, there is a very good chance that this summer I could be going to THREE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND CONCERTS!!!!!!!!!!!!  Two of them are for sure, the third is a maybe, but I'm hoping it will happen.  It would be HEAVEN.

I love Dave so much.  I mean...Dear God.  He can't be topped.  The first time I saw him in concert, there was an opener band that took like an hour and all I could think was...."opening band?  WHO THE FUCK OPENS UP FOR DAVE FREAKING MATTHEWS??!!"  It just didn't make sense to me at all.

Look at this picture.  I mean...come on.  He's a musical beast.

So...definitely something to look forward to.  So stoked.

thank you.

So this morning I listened to my drawing professor Maureen's lecture on art...it's purpose, its use...basically why we do what we do.  I left feeling like all the bits and pieces of conjectures I had previously had about art, had been affirmed by someone I deeply respect and it was just an amazing feeling.  She said, "Dedicate your life to the pursuit of happiness.  For you, for others.  If you can live a fulfilled, happy life, then your very presence on earth has been enough."

I almost wanted to cry.  It was like someone had finally articulated perfectly what I have struggled to verbalize for so long.  Struggled to understand for so long.  I feel like I'm moving in the right direction again.

<3

in recent news...

*I know everyone had probably heard this quote before, "Not all those who wander are lost."  Well I'm finding it to be especially true recently.  I feel like SO much is going on around me.  I feel like I'm working so hard and not always seeing the results I want.  I'm doing really well in school, but that fact is...I'm stuck in the grunt work phase.  Fundamentals are being drilled into my head when all I really want to do is start my concentration studies.  I'm having trouble being patient.  Its a constant struggle, but the fight I actually look forward too.  So even though I may feel like I'm wandering around trying to get my bearings and keep my head together, I know I'm meant to be here.  I know that this is where I belong and that there are bigger plans for me.   I just have to stay focused and I have to take one thing at a time.  Its hard.  I guess this is when you know you're a grown up. 

*I miss my family a lot.  Its strange.  Its not severe homesickness, its just a need to know that someone is still rooting for you when you come home after working crazy hours in a studio, then going to two part time jobs, then doing homework and realizing you forgot to eat again.  Its finally being able to sit down and then realize all you really want is your mom to hug you and take care of you like you were a ten year old again.

*I have been having the strangest dreams lately.  I mean really really bizarre.  I can't remember half of them but I always wake up freaked out and a little disturbed.  They are borderline nightmares but not to the extent where I wake up crying.  I just wake up and find myself very glad to be conscious.  Weird.

*I think I'm doomed when it comes to boys.  I just don't get it anymore.  The ex is confusing as hell and pissing me off to no end.  He wrote me a poem.  And it was fucking beautiful.  BEAUTIFUL.  But why does he insist on doing this?  Yanking me around like this.  Is he BORED?  Is he horny?  What?  I don't get it.  And frankly, I'm sick of being played with.  As sweet as that poem was, this boy had been and probably always will be...all talk and no action. He could say he loves me and then not talk to me for two weeks.  Because thats what he does.  What he always did.  He could spout sonnets all day long, but in the end, he is just a lazy ass, lousy excuse for a boyfriend.  He could write a long term relationship, but he couldn't bother putting in ANY effort to actually having one.  I'm not going back to that.  I'm not.  It doesn't help though, that there are NO guys around here.  But I'd rather be alone than be in a one sided relationship.

*I love my yoga class.  Even though its late at night and its the tail end of my busiest day AND I complain that I dont want to go....as soon as we start, I feel so much better.  My body feels AMAZING afterwards.  Like every muscle has just been to a day spa.  I usually have a lot of back issues from working at the studio and by the time I finish the hour and a half of yoga...I'm golden again.  Fixed.  Its magical.

*Valentines day is coming up.  Hate it.  And NOT because I'm single.  I hated it when I was dating too.  Too much pink.  Too much fluff.  Too much ridiculous commercialism.  Not enough booze.  My room mate and I are fixing that problem Feb 14th.  Parrtaaayyyy.

*I've been listening to Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Lena Horne, Ella Fitzgerald...you name it...over and over again.  I love the sound of old jazz classics like that.  It makes me happy.  It makes me feel love.

*I tried someone's home made plum moonshine.  And it tastes awful.  Never, ever again.