this life.

Its been especially nuts this week.  Well....at least in my head.  I feel so anxious.  Megan's baby is due this week.  Which means a lot of things.  Things I can't wrap my head around yet.  Things I dont want to wrap my head around yet.  I dont know what to think anymore, all I know is that the only thing I have to give is my love.  I have to trust that it has the power to do more than me right now.  Its all I have.

School is going well, its just getting busier and harder.  I stressed myself out so much that today around 8 at night I realized I hadnt eaten at all.  Yesterday I only ate one meal - a bagel.  I forget to feed myself sometimes I am so immersed in this place.  I have to work at finding my balance again.  I havent been so good at it lately.  I'm anxious for Thanksgiving break.  And my birthday!  I'm getting another tattoo for my 18th this year.  Its a phrase in gaelic meaning, "peace walks on love's road."  It means a lot to me and the script is beautiful.  I havent decided quite where to put it yet.  I want it somewhere I can see it to remind myself to always center myself around peace and love.  its probably going on my wrist somewhere.  Dunno yet.

Other than that things have been pretty normal.  I've been reading Twilight books like a maniac.  At first I was so skeptical.  Vampire books?  COME ON...pshhh.  But after being forced to read the first, I had to read the second.  I am now on the third.  And I'm wishing that I could have an Edward Cullen all to myself.  Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "bite me."  ....yes please.

:)

collision.

I managed to get myself into a car accident.  Nothing bad, no one was hurt, neither car was totaled.  But holy shit did it scare me.  I dont like it. I dont like it.  I dont. like. it.  After crying and shaking and apologizing and making sure everyone was still breathing I just can't even believe it happened.

life DOES come at you fast.  holy shit.

so much love.

My parents got their vows renewed today.  25 years married.  I cried like a baby.  It was just such a beautiful moment.  I can't even explain it.  The way they love each other teaches me so much.  And it also scares the hell out of me.  Love like that is hard to find. I feel like I will forever be searching for a love like that and I'll never find it.  I'm sure my soulmate, whoever he is, is probably already out there somewhere and I don't even know it.  I guess the trick is finding them, and never letting them go.  

Love wins.

i love autumn.

You know that itch people get when spring comes around?  That "i-dont-want-to-work-i-just-want-to-be-outside" kind of feeling? Well in my family, we get the itch early - right around the beginning of October.  I love Fall the best.  I love the colors, the smells, the food, the jeans and flannel.  You name it - I love it.

Campus is especially gorgeous right now and its putting me in this very peaceful mood.  I just want to lay around outside and draw or drink cider or whatever...I just want to be.  I'm feeling a lot of relief today because the past week or so has been stressful.  Midterms and portfolio reviews that just make my stomach knot with so much worry.  They are almost over though and I'm just happy that I'm doing okay.  I'm completely content with the world right now.  Gimme another hour and maybe it will be different...I dont know, but right now....all is well.

Stopped home for a night last weekend to see family.  I ended up having to stop by my high school's homecoming.  I couldnt help but laugh and just realize how much high school SUCKS.  I mean I hated it when I was there, but I realize even more so now, how absolutely lost I would be if I had to spend one more DAY there.  College is saving my life.  Building my life.  I don't know, but I just need it.  As Thanksgiving break gets closer, I'm beginning to feel that ache when you realize just how much you've missed your friends.  I definitely plan on getting together with people and catching up.  Its so strange how far apart these two worlds are.  I don't just have one home anymore, I have two.  It's just so different.  I love both equally.

I'm also beginning to understand and accept, that I will most likely be a broke, starving artist for the next...idk...decade?  My job at the gallery is so nice, and then I realize that even the checks I think are huge, can be spent in like a second.  I'm trying not to worry about money but its just becoming a fact of my life...I'm not gonna have much of it for a while haha.  But when I think about it, I really dont have much of an issue with that.  There are people in the world who have it much worse than I do.  I can manage.  I feel like as long as I have art, and a voice, and people to love, I can handle anything.  I want to live simply.  More than anything.  I want to live simply, and Love like its my job, and create like its my life.  Thats all.  

Ahh I forgot.

I have fallen deeply in love with Andy Goldsworthy's artwork.  Look him up, he's incredible.  He's a scottish artist whose work is based solely on nature.  He basically walks outside and makes art with whatever he sees.  Its absolutely stunning.  These are just a few of works, there is so much more out on the web, check him outttttt <3

I can still laugh :)

I'm just in love with being alive today.  And I thought you all should know.  The world is so shitty and fucked up and I was starting to let it get me down.  Financial crisis, hunger, poverty, dirty politics, war, close minded assholes, media, money money money, work work work, pettiness, pride, anger, defeat of my spirit....

and then I thought, hell no.  I will not be beaten down today- because I'm ok.  I'm ok because I'm alive.  I'm ok because I can run and jump and blow bubbles and sing songs and play scrabble.  I can draw, I can paint, I can create, I can speak, hear, taste, touch, see, hope, dream, and I can laugh.  I can still laugh.

Yeah, I'm ok.  I'm more than ok.  I'm beautiful.

make love. not war. i need to bitch about this.

Politics have got me all revved up lately.  It started in my Freshmen Seminar class where we ended up talking about this huge financial crisis we're in and the upcoming election.  I'm an Obama supporter, so if you have something against that you should just stop reading now.  I've had people tell me that "liberalism is a mental disorder," and I'm seriously offended by it.  I think everyone has a right to their own opinion, and if you don't think I have a right to mine, you can fuck a duck. Nothing makes me more upset than talking politics with closed minded people.  I usually avoid the subject all together.

But anyway, as part of our homework, we had to watch the VP debate with Sarah Palin and Joe Biden and then write our opinions on it and post it in an online class thread...for everyone to read.  So I had to be extra careful about what I said because I hate to cause conflict with people over this shit, I really do.  But this is MY blog, so I'm gonna say whatever the hell I please.  Sarah Palin is a complete joke.  Is anyone else utterly TERRIFIED that there is a huge possibly that our country's NUCLEAR CODES could be in her hands within months?!!!  She wasn't even close to be a convincing politician.  A lot of the kids in my class tended to side with her saying she was "nicer" and "talked like a human being."  Well here's the thing for me...the VICE PRESIDENT of the United States, should speak like an intelligent human being, not like a hockey mom who was coached through a slew of political phrases and got her teeth whitened just for the event. I say this without any sexism, I simply say it because its all I know about her.  Her back country slurs did not make me like her, or feel like she was "more human," it made me question her intelligence and it made me feel a little insulted.  She came out of nowhere into this campaign.  Who the hell IS she?  As for who was the "nicer" candidate...if you go into a debate judging it based on the "nicer" person, you are delusional.  Both candidates are going to take shots at each other its what they do- its a debate.  And if you ask me, if our future vice president is involved in major global negotiations...I sure am sure hell not picking the "nicer" one.

I went around the internet (with the fact in mind that most, if not all of what I would find would be rumor) and found many coinciding stories of her involvement in book banning, and even involvement in the Alaskan Independence Party.  (So...she wanted Alaska independent from the United States and now she wants to help run it?) Though the story is very vague and obviously twisted around...more than one account from existing members of the Party claim her and her husbands involvement as far back as 1994.  This woman just had a baby with special needs, her 17 year old is about to have a baby and she just jumped into this campaign head first without a care in the world.  This tells me that she puts her own ambitions before her family - I trait I don't necessarily admire.  

I thought Biden represented himself with great integrity and experience.  He explained directly the the American people what they are getting into and he did so without being condescending.  We need his experience in foreign relations so badly.  Everyone is freaking out about the 16 month plan to get the troops out of Iraq, saying that if we pull out now it will all be in vain.  Well guess what...to me, its already in vain.  It started with a redneck president's pride and his personal family agenda (not to mention a whole lot of oil) and now we are working are asses off to justify the loss of human life.  We marched our armies in there and wedged them in the middle of an ANCIENT feud between two groups of people and though hey..we're the US, we can fix anything, lets force you all into democracy.  And now that it has blown up in our faces and we're all TRILLIONS of dollars in debt, we are clinging to some kind of justification for this.  In my opinion, the only way we can truly move forward, is to pull back and let the work we have done there stand on its own two feet.  I support our troops.  I do not support this war.

Biden has a son going to Iraq very soon.  For him and for Obama...getting Iraq right is about wayyy more than just proving a point.  We need a changeeee. Now.  So bad.  Obama is the man to do it.  He's young, yes.  Inexperienced...perhaps in some areas.  But no president runs a country alone and he already has more maturity and more charisma than any politician I've seen.  I'm sick and tired of the ridiculousness of the United States.  I'm ashamed to be American most times.  I want so badly for that to change.  And you know what sucks?  I'm not even fucking old enough to vote.  For all you 18 year olds who are just kind of on the fence or dont really give a shit...get educated, make an informed decision - whether you are democrat or republican it doesnt matter.  Use your right, your privilege, your power - and vote.