Dear Earth,

I loved you madly today.
I drank you in from the car window while we drove back from my grandfather's house.
In the stretches of road and tree and sky that were not littered with buildings and telephone poles, you looked radiant.
You looked happy.
You looked blue and green and yellow in all the best ways.
The purest ways.
I know we've hurt you, burnt you, abused you.
We set up an ignorant residence, forgetting the graciousness of your initial hospitality.
What horrible guests we've been.
Wrecking your limbs, draining your spirit and putting it into jar, a car, a train, a plane....a bomb.
But you shined for me today anyway.
Loved me anyway.
You whispered to me over the noise of the car radio like a damaged little girl.
"Don't forget I'm still beautiful."
I saw your youth for a fleeting moment.
Saw power in the quietness of your whisper.
You are still beautiful.
Thank you.

Love, Hayden

a toast to re-discovering self worth.

It's funny how much of the hurt we go through is self inflicted. I don't understand how it is I hold on to something until I'm just completely wrecked by it, even when I know better. Even when I acknowledge I deserve more, I hold out for the good in someone until they've chipped away at the good in me.

So here is my toast: (I'm lame and currently toasting with a glass of pure almond milk. suck. it.)

Here is to cut ties and clean slates.
Here is to letting go of someone I should never have held on to in the first place.
Here is to truth.
Here is to completely raw, open conversations with the best mom in the world.
Here is to insight.
Here is to decision.
Here is to your passive aggressive asshole comments which will no longer hurt me. Keep them. You aren't impressive and you aren't clever.
Here is to my spine.
Here is to moving forward, even if it's all by myself.
Here is to a God who sees me even when I feel like no one else does.
Here is to fresh flowers and paychecks.
Here is to plane tickets to a foreign country and three and a half months of pure independence.
Here is to the fear that holds hands with discovery. I welcome you.
Here is to the ocean and sky.
Here is to Jim and Pam on the Office. Your cuteness completes me.
Here is to the cute boy working across from my department. I WILL say hi to you this week.
Here is to ME.

To not knowing, to not planning, to feeling, to moving, to creating, to moving on without your sorry ass, to being FREE.

Cheers, friends. Salut! :)