10 things

1) I think good music helps me breathe better.

2) To me, there is nothing better than Autumn. No one can convince me otherwise.

3) I feel far away from people sometimes. I have amazing friends and family. I'm glad that I am trusted and I'm happy to be a shoulder. But sometimes I don't know who I'm supposed to go to. I don't want to bother anyone.

4) I think I've gotten too comfortable in this life of mine. I'm minoring in Peace and Justice and even though I can talk about it until I'm blue in the face, I want to be DOING something. Its easy to feel hopeless when I look at all the issues in the world that need attention. I don't want to be a sympathy note or a check in the mail. I want to be part of a movement for change.

5) Took a drive to see my best friend last weekend. It was about a two hour drive. Alone, on long stretches of colorful roads, I was happy. Seeing her made me even happier.

6) My hands smell like clorox wipes from cleaning our bathroom this afternoon. I like the smell.

7) I feel like I'm fighting to keep my head above water when it comes to the work load this semester. Every challenge is a good one, but I'm starting to feel like I'm burning myself out.

8) Sometimes I contemplate what it would be like to take a vow of silence. I'm tempted to try it.

9) I think asian babies are especially adorable.

10) I may have mentioned this in a previous blog, but I really would like to learn french again. And also to have babies like this one:

Blank Days and Hot Chaos.

I have this idea that everyone in the world is entitled to a Blank Day. It's a day that involves absolutely no plans, no work, no worry, no loneliness. There is nothing to dwell on and nothing to fear. There is only the day itself to do with whatever you please. Whatever makes your heart feel closer to your roots. Your home. A day of deserved rest. A day to simply exist.

Maybe you get one once a week, a month...six months. But everyone should get one. Everyone needs one. And it should happen more than once in a year. Its like a day to press your restart button.

I'm saving up for mine. I'm still in the midst of midterms at this point, but two giant assignments were finished last night and I was in bed by two am. That is a victory. I'm hoping that my Blank Day will be well deserved, whenever I get to take it. There is still lots to do. But life is good. The chaos and the calm. There cannot be one without the other.

I've felt kind of bad lately. Every time I have called home this past week, I've either been complaining or in tears about stress. I always feel guilty, like I'm dumping on my Mom or Dad. I don't mean to. I had the most beautiful night out with my aunts last week and while I was with them it was like I couldn't shut up and I was constantly apologizing. But they just let me talk...which felt so...needed. So necessary. Just like a Blank Day. Sometimes its hard for me to really let go even when I'm around my closest friends. I like to listen to people talk. So when I was sitting there just letting myself download to someone, it felt so good and so safe. And it has always been that way with anyone in my family.

Jesus, I'm a lucky girl.

And the last time I called my Mom in tears, she left me the most perfect voicemail afterward, leaving it for me after I left for work. It had been possibly the shittiest day all semester and I just felt like everything was an absolute mess. She said the most perfect words I didn't even know I needed to hear.

"...you are a shooting star. And if we can remember what stars are made of, its hot chaos. Stars don't shine by sitting quietly in the dark. They are burning activity. So even if it doesn't feel like you are shining right now, you are."

Isn't she beautiful?

So I guess the love I have to pass on today, is just to keep shining.

sometimes I am afraid.

.....that dreaming is as far as I will ever get.

My color today is grey blue.