I drink tea before bed. A lot lately. Calms me down I guess. Makes me feel happy and safe. It also makes me have to pee like sea biscuit but hey...thats ok.
Life is so sweet right now. This past week brought with it emotional roller coasters and plenty of hard work. But life is so undeniably good right now. Good with the bad - I am just happy to be on earth in this exact moment. But to bring everybody up to speed, I guess I'll start with the bad so I can end with the good.
Megan had her baby on the fifth at around 11 at night (this is good news). What an insane day. I got the call she was in the hospital at like 7:30 in the morning. I thought I might be able to go to classes but I found out from my mom that things were moving faster than expected. So I emailed my teachers and drove to Highland around ten with Mom where we spent a little over twelve hours waiting for that beautiful baby. Megan was a soldier - 20 hours of labor all together. The whole situation would have been so much better if the father didn't show up with his new girlfriend and a fake ass wedding band on his finger. His stupidity never fails to amaze me. And the girlfriend's stupidity - even more astounding. She had the nerve to walk into the delivery room. Luckily Meg was too drugged up to get upset. But Mom was ready to kick this girl's ass. It was great. I can't really explain how I was feeling that day - I felt so much at once I almost felt sick. I was angry - at Ray, at the whole situation, and at the new girlfriend. I was sad mostly though - for Megan. I kept wishing that this whole thing was happening to her when she was ready. When it was a happy thing for her parents too. When she had someone who REALLY loved her beside her. When she was ready to be a Mom. I was anxious - mostly for the baby to be here and be healthy and for everything to be ok. But on top of all of this, afterwards I just felt totally empty. I should have been happy or something...I don't know.
I felt so strange and I lost it in the car on the way home. I felt like Ally and Meg and everyone didn't need me anymore all of the sudden. Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I didn't know what to do with myself anymore now that I wasn't needed. I felt useless. And it hurt me to realize that I'm the girl people go to with panic, with conflicts, with emotional baggage - because I'm really good at helping them hold it up. But then when its over - I feel like I'm stumbling around totally alone. So suddenly - nine months of waiting, of agonizing, of being there is over. And I don't know what to do with myself. And I have no idea if it even mattered. I just hope that the baby knows he is loved.
Now for happier stuff. I'm almost 18 years old. And yesterday I finished designing my second tattoo. This one is different. It feels different. My first tattoo will always mean a lot to me. This new one has been a process that has been just as beautiful - if not more. Its a gaelic saying that means "Peace Walks on Love's Road." It has a dove on the tail of the phrase and it's going to go down my right wrist. I thought a lot about this tattoo while I was putting it together and just really reflected on this year. It has been an AMAZING, beautiful, challenging, emotional year. Graduation, college, independence, Megans baby, the first black president of the United States, growing, changing, feeling closer to the person I want to be....this year has been my best so far. It has pulled me in so many different directions and taught me that the one true thing in my life is Love. And with all this year has brought me, I am ready to put this statement on me without any hesitation. I know now more than I ever have, that my belief in Love is the driving force behind my existence. I want to look at this tattoo so that I can live up to it. So that I always know that above all things - Love first, peace first. I want it on my right hand, my drawing hand, my dominant hand so that I am reminded that Love should be dominant in my life as well. I want it in an ancient language, beautiful and scripted and speaking to my heritage - however removed it may be. I look at this design and I know I am meant to wear it. Its nothing huge. Its simple, and elegant, and to me it will always be powerful. I am so excited to get it done I can't even tell you. I DREAM about it at night.
Life is beautiful and scary and wonderful. And I am so in it right now.
I drink tea before bed. A lot lately. Calms me down I guess. Makes me feel happy and safe. It also makes me have to pee like sea biscuit but hey...thats ok.
I want to remember this moment forever. I want to tell my grandchildren about it. I want to sing. I want to cry. (oh wait I'm already doing that.)
Yes, I have fallen victim to the Twilight series. Don't judge me. I've never been into the sci fi, vampire fiction crap. And thats exactly what I thought these books were until my room mate forced me to actually read them. I went through all four books in less than a week. I'm in love - madly in love - with Edward Cullen. (well basically Rob Pattinson...but you get what I mean.) I'm going to the midnight premier for my birthday! GAH he is so sexy. BIte me - please.
