So as it turns out, taking the leap can be the best thing. The CD Release was probably the most epic night of music I've ever experienced. Dad's band brought the house down and singing up there with them felt wonderful. The anxiety before hand almost killed me. But when it was time for my first solo with a band of the greatest guys I know right behind me, and my amazing dad right next to me....I don't know....something just fell into place.
The whole reason I finally said yes to this was because I'm just so tired of feeling afraid of things. Even though I know that the anxiety won't leave when I wish it to, I think if I work at pretending to be unafraid...eventually I won't feel the fear anymore.
I sang back up for the first half of the night, and then did a set by myself in the second half. And my sister got up and sang with me. I had been feeling so much pressure before hand (an anxiety helped only by the few beers Uncle Rich snuck me before hand, hahaha)....I knew almost everyone in the room. My entire family was there. And because I've kept to myself for so long...some of the people I love the most, had no idea I could sing. Or play guitar. As soon as Maggie came and sang with me, I just....stopped caring so much. I closed my eyes and pretended I was in my living room, just playing and singing with my sister. And even though I was assaulted by hot stage lights and a giant looking microphone, in a dingy bar in the basement of a theater...pretending to have no fear, pretending I was in my living room....I was okay again. And I just want to sing. And I did.
The response was incredible and I'm still reeling from it. My family flipped the hell out, crying and hugging me and asking me where the hell I'd been hiding, demanding that I play out more often. Boys...no...MEN...looked at me like I was something special. My greatest friends came to party with us and support when I really needed it, even if I had trouble voicing how much I needed them there. My grandfather came up and hugged me after my first solo, even though it was the middle of the concert and told me he was proud of me....which was just....huge for him. Huge for me.
People came up and asked me to sign the artwork I did on the cover of Dad's CD, telling me they loved my work. I've never signed autographs before. It was just so surreal. The night was truly amazing. A complete eye opener. I spend so much time doubting myself, second guessing, being afraid. And after last night every one has been telling me things along the lines of "what the hell is wrong with you....why would you EVER doubt yourself!!!"
Self doubt is definitely a condition I have battled with and probably always will battle with. But the love I felt, and the music I felt last night...its like the armor I need to keep fighting those battles. I'm still on a high from it all.
<3 <3 <3
