an answer

In my previous post about Haiti, I mentioned the bible story I opened up to about Jesus calming the storm. Well for those of you who read that....this is God...

Sunday morning there was footage of people singing and having church in the street. The preacher was saying, "If you are alive right now, God has a plan for you, come and sing and give praise with us."

And guess what story he read from the bible?

Yup. Jesus calming the storm. Mark 4:40.

No one can convince me that God is not listening. Or that God has not answered.

Dear Boy...

Miles away, you sometimes forget me, as i forget you now
Love is a funny word to hide behind, to justify touch
Friends before more than friends,
I lost you to an indifference I am not interesting enough to counter.
Talking, talking, you save yourself with words when a storm comes.
Words I used to bend beneath, words I thought were band aids big enough for your negligence.
No longer a little girl, I see you through and through.
Mouth moving but heart still detached.
You still try to prove me wrong....you just keep talking, and talking.
But only when you are afraid.
When you are afraid that your convenience may abandon you for more beautiful men
Or an even more beautiful Self Truth.
Talking, talking, thinking you can fix me.
Thinking I need fixing.
But you cannot fix my opinion of you now.
Beyond red anger and blue resentment, I see yellow pity for you.
You are talking, talking, talking to yourself you see.
For Self Truth has already blossomed in me.
I am not hiding behind a word you think you understand.
A word you think you can explain to me.
I know better of Love
And I thought better of you.
My spine grew tall and solid while you were sleeping away our friendship
My ears and eyes know your truths and lies like they know music from noise.
No scars upon this heart for you, you'd think yourself important.
No longer your convenience, I am laughing.
You told me once your were smarter than I
Well it seems you have a lot to learn.
Righteous literature fueling your arrogance,
You were blind to the intelligence of a heart.
This heart.
No longer yours on puppet strings.
More free and awake than she's ever been.
And it all occurred without you.
Miles away I forget you.
But you will always remember me.

Wake up World. We Need Each Other

My heart is in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti right now. Haiti has always been very close to my heart. Both of my parents have traveled there numerous times with outreach groups. My father helped to build a clinic in Bourne. His team brought running, clean water and electricity to a hospital that had been without it for almost 14 years. I've listened to every story from both my parents, dreaming about the day that I could go.

I used to write to a boy named Rock who lived there and met my father. My dad showed him a picture of me on one of his visits and Rock would send me back letters with the groups who went down to help. He told me how beautiful I was and how he wished to meet me and draw pictures for me. His English got better with each letter and he drew pictures on the bottom of each one. It was hard to send many letters unless a group was traveling down and could find him. But I still have those letters.

I stopped hearing from him after a hurricane hit the coast a few years back. I don't know what happened to him...whether he was lost in the storm or the groups traveling down couldn't find him. On Dad's last trip he said he didn't see him. I wonder where he is right now and if he is okay.

I think what touches me most about everything I've learned about Haiti is that there is an unshakable faith in the people there. People who have nothing but each other. Little food, little money, little opportunity...the nearest hospital miles and miles away and only two or three vehicles for transport over horrible roads. Yet when Dad told us stories of packed churches and joyful voices and songs to God, I just wanted to BE there. To drop everything and feel an ounce of that trust, that joy, that celebration and gratitude for what God has given us.

We forget how blessed we are. It's so easy to do. Just this week I was stressing over money and school and books and studying abroad...upset over it all. Upset over what? Nothing. I had to take a moment today after watching heartbreaking foootage of the Earthquake damage in Haiti, to just breakdown.

(Thank God for room mates who are loving, and understanding people who wont making fun of me when I fall to pieces watching tv footage.)

I had it all wrong. My vision this week... was not beyond myself. And this earthquake has shaken me awake again. We need each other. Our suffering, our joy, our sorrows hold hands. We are one world community. We forget how connected we are. How much it matters that we see each other, hear each other, help each other.

This morning I took out the beautiful bible my parents got me for Christmas. I've never been much of a bible reader (and when I did read it, I was/am a New Testament kinda girl...) , I've never been much of a religious person...but I believe in God with all my heart. And my parents gave my sister and I each a bible of our own, knowing that we would take something different from it. Dad said to us, "just read a little bit, a small verse when you feel it. Let it sink in. Cause you will take something different away from it every time." He went on to tell us that sometimes he would read a passage and not truly understand its meaning until something would happen later in the day that he could really apply it to. Like it was meant for him to read that day.

This morning, I took mine out and flipped to a random page, falling on Mark 4:40. It was the story about Jesus calming a storm. He had fallen asleep at the stern and his friends begged him to wake up. "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And Jesus wakes up and says to the sea, "Peace, be still." and the storm was calm. And then he says to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith in me?"

It put things back in perspective. Have faith in me. Don't be afraid. Even in the midst of destruction, even in the middle of a storm...God is here. And God is the way. The way, the Truth and the Light. And I know things will get better.

My friend Morgan told me about one of her professors, who said something I think is really fitting, so I'll leave you with this:

"Catastrophe is key to understanding, and understanding is key to peace."

Be well, World.

greetings and salutations 2010.

It seems that almost every year, my new years resolutions are close to the same. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing...eh....no idea. I guess all in all it just reminds me that I will always be trying to improve myself. Improve myself in as many dimensions of my life as I can. Better artist, better friend, better sister, better daughter, better student, better peace seeker, better love giver, better tree hugger, better kisser, better listener, better explorer, better worker, better...me.

Today doesn't really feel significantly different than yesterday until I wrap my head around the necessity of a new year. Everyone's calendar is back at Day One. I'm trying to get my heart there too. Letting go of 2009 feel like lifting significant weight off my shoulders. With all the good and bad, it is a year I'm ready to say goodbye to.

This semester was a challenge. A constant challenge with little time to just simply BE. Between work and school and trying to find time to work out or...SLEEP...I learned the truth about what it takes to get where you wanna go. To really apply yourself to a dream. And even though there were times when I wanted to give up and just drop out....I have never been so satisfied with a completed semester. Hello, Dean's List.

I spent New Years Eve with two friends that just mean the world to me. One of them I hadn't seen since graduation. It felt like no time had passed between us and I could just feel an old bond resurface. I love the guy to death. Both of these people are just people of my heart forever. One of my resolutions is to see more of them. :)

Turning over a new leaf feels like a breath of fresh air. Even though I know this next semester will be just as difficult...if not more difficult...I'm preparing myself. Because I know I can do well. And I have beautiful people in my life who will pick me up and dust me off when I feel like giving up. If I can focus, there are so many beautiful things I know someone up there has in store for me. (Italy in the fall for three months studying fine art! That's the big goal.)

So I look back at 2009 with gratitude and a sense of accomplishment.

As for 2010.....bring it on.