whoa. whoa. whoa.

I am so so so lost.  Dreams that I thought had taken a back burner are now bubbling up to the fore front of my mind this week.  There are so many things I want to be.  So many things I want to do.  And now I feel like I'm faltering in my focus.  I don't know where to put all my effort when I'm passionate about a few different things.  

Especially this year, I have really gotten into baking.  Every time I'm home, it's all I seem to do.  Its comfort to me.  Its home.  I had never realized how much i loved it until this year.  I was watching some food network show I don't even remember... and just thinking to myself...I could totally do this.  I'm completely drawn to cake artistry, to fondant art, to gumpaste flowers and crazy cake designs...to little pastries, to home made cookies, to cup cakes and cheesecakes and dessert tiers and cake boxes and corner bakeries.  I want to do it.  I want to own that little place where kids will press their noses to the window and look inside at amazing cakes and cookies and just want to be inside to smell the air.  I want to design cake boxes and desserts and tie up paper packages with string and sell wedding cakes to lovers.  I want to DO IT.  

Now, this passion is true, and real and new and terrifying.  And even as it is starting to get me completely absorbed...my other dreams haven't died.  I still want to write and illustrate childrens books.  That is still a huge thing for me.  Looking at my future, it is possible to do both.  To own a bakery of my own, to have a job that is still a total art form and then to be able to come home and work on my books.  I could do it.  I could SO do it.

The trouble now, is how to make it happen.  I want to keep taking art classes at Naz and see how the illustration program works.  But I also want to attend pastry school - so I really know what I'm doing.  So I'm trained and prepared to do well for myself.  So many questions.  And I know I have so much time to decide but, I'm afraid.  I feel like I'm losing time.  I wish there was a way to do both at the same time.  Meanwhile, this summer, I'm hoping for a job at the local bakery down the street.  Hoping it will give me  a taste as to where I'm headed.  Maybe affirm my new direction. 

So in essence, I'm just impatient as hell.  But I guess the general plan right now is...

*Keep it up in the illustration department in Naz.  And start taking some business classes on the side.

*Get the bakery job and work there this summer.  If I hate it, then I'll know its not meant to be.  But if it inspires me and continues to give me new ideas about my own future business...then start thinking about pastry schools.  

*I have a lot of transfer credits from high school - enough to knock out a whole year @ college.  If there is any chance I can graduate early, I'm doing it.  I'll take summer courses if I need too.  And instead of grad school, I'll go to pastry school.  

*Hopefully, if I keep working on my books on the side and get one published, I can use the money to pay for pastry school or for starting up my own place.  

Everything about this is so "wait-and-see."  I HATE wait-and-see.  Hate it.  But at the same time I'm excited.  I just have to keep my focus.  And it is going to be extremely hard.   I just feel frustrated and overwhelmed and overjoyed that I have these choices.  I just can't wait for my life to really start moving.

thought vomit for today.

*When my religion teacher speaks, I want to hug her.  Dr. Zhang has the thickest chinese accent I have ever heard and the most adorable round, happy cheeks on the planet.  Sometimes the kids in my class laugh at her when she struggles with her english and she gets all red and embarrassed.  I just want to hug her and tell it's okay.

*Speaking of religion class, the blue eyed boy who sits in front of me is passed out cold.  And he is soooooooooooo damn cute.  And would probably never speak to me unless he had to.  

*I would like nothing more than a cup of yogi tea, a good book and a down comforter.  Along with hours of time to read/sleep away.

*Every where I have been in the last couple weeks has inspired me to make something new, to draw or create something worth while, something that inspires ME.  Don't get me wrong, I adore art school, but the thing is, until now, art has never felt like work.  The current project is making me feel this way.  I can't wait to be done with it and start a new one.  I'm anxious for summer, for the time to work on my own projects.  

*This weekend I go home for spring break.  The first two nights I'm home, I am going to my little sister's school play at my old high school.  What that entails, is plenty of time with the hometown friends.  That should have me excited.  Why am I dreading it with my entire being?

*I'm buying Dave Matthews tickets this weekend.  When I think of that, nothing can TOUCH my happiness.

*I have been doing a lot of yoga lately.  I'm a lot stretchier than I ever thought I was.  

*Even on days when I feel completely happy with my work, with my social life, with everything.... I look in the mirror and want to change what I see.  My self image should never tear my mood down, but God it does.  

*i love pineapple.